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Trying to connect with other lesbians, but it makes me feel even more alone

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by SallyR, May 6, 2015.

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  1. SallyR

    SallyR
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    Hi Everyone,

    I've been lately making a huge effort to meet other lesbians, and women who are attracted to other women. I have successfully met a few through various support groups and events. In the end, though, I end up feeling even more alone.

    The reason is that these groups/events tend to be overwhelmingly attended by bisexual women. I have nothing against bisexual women, they have every right to seek out support, and find other women who are same-sex attracted. But, in a world in which I'm already a minority, I find myself to be a minority again in the very groups in which I'm seeking out a slightly "less minority" status.

    I feel like the reality of the female same-sex attracted world is that at least 80% of it is bisexual, maybe more. Many of these women talk freely about their boyfriends/husbands, their heterosexual experiences, and their opposite-sex attraction, even though the purpose of us getting together is because we are all attracted to women.

    Am I being totally unreasonable in wanting to have a "safe space" in which I can meet other homosexual women? I wouldn't even care if bisexuals attended, as long as they talked primarily about their same-sex attraction, but this hasn't been the case. Some of them even seem to have pretty clear anti-lesbian bias.

    I don't know how to remedy this, but seeking out LGBT support has only made me feel like even more of a minority. I come home from these things feeling even more dehumanized than before.

    Anyway, if I'm just being biphobic, it's fine to tell me, but I don't really think this is the case. I just want to meet other people I can relate to, and escape the opposite-sex attracted world for a little bit. Is that really too much to ask?
     
    #1 SallyR, May 6, 2015
    Last edited: May 6, 2015
  2. Foxfeather

    Foxfeather
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    I think that you aren't necessarily bi-phobic but perhaps a bit insecure about your gayness? The thing is, if you look at the world as a whole, the majority of it is straight (and possibly bisexual but I think the studies that say most of us are a bit bisexual might be bogus--crappy methods and scales are used in them).

    So either way, you're gonna have to deal with straight people.

    And, honestly, I am bi and I know how you feel about wanting to escape the hetero world for a bit. It'd make me feel safer about my gay side. But I think you should be open to these women, too.

    They're bi, right? You both like women, right? Then go ahead and talk to them about women. It's fine. That's what the events are for anyway.

    Avoid the anti-lesbians. They're just as afraid or gay-o-phobic as you are afraid (or possibly biphobic). They're prejudiced, and you should be the exception to that prejudice by being welcome to them. Maybe they'll change their mind once they see how great you are.
     
    #2 Foxfeather, May 6, 2015
  3. PurpleGrey

    PurpleGrey
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    I think I understand where you're coming from, SallyR. It can be a little frustrating being around *nothing but* mostly heterosexual conversation when you need to really feel there are more people like you. I would be more than happy to be there for you as a fellow lesbian, if ever you need it.
     
    #3 PurpleGrey, May 7, 2015
  4. SallyR

    SallyR
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    Foxfeather, I really hope that you'll hear me out on why I think your reply was really offensive.

    There are a lot of points that I could make, but there's one that sticks out. The idea that I should be welcoming to people expressing anti-lesbian bias in a lesbian space is incredible. I'm not going there because I want the stress of convincing people that it's okay to be a lesbian.

    Do I need to go into detail on the things that have been said to me in these lesbian spaces? I have heard people say that they don't understand why anyone would choose to be with a boyish woman over a man. I have heard people say that they don't think a woman could ever please them in the way that a man could. I have heard people say that they think that people who are only attracted to one gender are repressing part of their sexuality.

    Is it that hard to understand why I feel unwelcome?

    Maybe these groups are just very poorly managed, and I should just keep looking. So far, that's what I've been doing. Sigh.
     
    #4 SallyR, May 7, 2015
  5. mukumuku

    mukumuku
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    Lesbian women have different experiences than bi women do. Therefore it is perfectly reasonable that you want to find a space where you're with only other lesbians. I'm of the mind that any oppressed group has the right to meet on their own terms.. there's a time to be inclusive and a time to be exclusive. Lumping everyone together all the time can sometimes take away from the fact that we all have vastly different challenges (another reason why I'm critical of the catch-all "queer").
     
    #5 mukumuku, May 7, 2015
  6. SallyR

    SallyR
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    ^This.

    All my life I've been trying to convince people that I'm not attracted to men. And, now, when I look for support, I'm finding groups that are labeled as lesbian-friendly, and people are still assuming I'm attracted to men. I even saw one woman put her hand over her mouth in shock when I "came out" as a lesbian in what was supposed to be a lesbian-safe space.
     
    #6 SallyR, May 7, 2015
  7. blossoms

    blossoms Guest

    I understand where you're coming from. We all need to feel like we truly belong and sometimes, being around similar people really does make a difference with that. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to talk about attraction to other women or experiences you've had with women at all, as that's who you are and is one of the reasons you've joined the support groups and events in the first place. All I can say is keep trying, I know it may seem like you don't connect with anyone, but even if you find just one other person who you click with, it can make the world of difference! You never know, there may be someone else there thinking the same kinds of thoughts as you :slight_smile:
     
    #7 blossoms, May 8, 2015
  8. Lyana

    Lyana
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    Hi SallyR,
    I'm a bi woman myself, and while I wouldn't go to a "lesbian only" group, I've been made to feel welcome in LGB groups where there were guys and girls, gay and bi. There's definitely support to be found in those types of inclusive places. (But then again, these groups I'm talking about did have lesbians, not only bi women, which it seems is what you've experienced.)

    Those are sucky things to have had happen to you. I don't know what groups you've been going to, but no way in hell would I ever call them LGBT-friendly. I would ditch them and look elsewhere. I hope you find friendly, like-minded people and don't swear of bi women altogether because of these bad experiences.
     
    #8 Lyana, May 8, 2015
  9. wasgij

    wasgij
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    As you've probably experienced, how you identify your sexual preferences could be pretty complicated. If it's a clear cut "I'm lesbian and that's that" sort of thing, then that's great *but*... that doesn't mean everyone is going to share your clear vision. What if you find yourself attracted to the opposite sex one time, and things aren't so clear cut any more? It might never happen, but for a lot of people I guess the "bisexual" label is maybe just a kind of acknowledgement that their life went in some direction (like they got married to the opposite sex), but now it's a big source of stress and the same-sex attraction is just taken for granted?
     
    #9 wasgij, May 8, 2015
  10. bi2me

    bi2me
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    ^^^
    This is so much how I feel lately. Thank you for this!
     
    #10 bi2me, May 8, 2015
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