Tried suicide....failed

Jrockcold
How are you? Are you still wanting to talk? When I posted a reply when you said you still were going to end it all, i then had to go off to work (I am in different time zone) and it was odd thinking about you all day and whether you had taken any action or not?

I have just logged back on to find you are still with us. I was so relieved.

I don't know what more to say to you now though…or whether i can say anything at all to help. Your anger at therapists and your anger at MisterTinkles post, have made me feel nervous. You are wanting talk and are looking for answers from us on EC, BUT you also seem so disillusioned and not wanting to take help from professionals any more?

I am thinking that anger is a good thing - its a 'living' emotion? Or is that just more therapist bull-shit?

As people born gay we have been given a pretty bad deal. One of the fundamental joys of living (sexual attraction and love) is wired to be for the 'wrong sex' (in the views of the conventional majority). Even in the increasingly accepting and tolerant West, we are still different, we are still a minority.

We still have to be courageous and vulnerable and fight for our right to be ourselves. This is shit, this is painful, this is hard. It has made me feel shame and fear and self-loathing. It has made me feel 'not good enough'. It has made me feel anger and depression. EVERYONE on EC has felt these things (ie you are NOT alone).

We are deal with it differently because we are all different and unique individuals, but it is the same underneath and it is hard.

When I admitted this, when I saw how much of my closeted life had been shaped by it, then I just had to say enough is enough and break down the closet door. Since then in many ways the pain has been as hard, but now not so much about how i cope with the present, but regretting and grieving for all those wasted years. Anger again.

But this is my one and only life and this is cards I have been dealt. I have never been suicidal and I can't begin to know what it feels like. But I can know what it is like to be a gay man in a straight world.

I hope you choose life and not death my friend. In the end its your decision and only you really know what to do…

Take care and be gentle with yourself

 

I am so glad you are still alive. I did worry.

I understand what you mean about loneliness. I felt the same isolation. In my case it was (and is) because I am a member of a religious community. I also responded in an unhelpful way. I didn't think about suicide, but I turned to drink and developed a real problem.

Friendship with like minded people is a basic emotional need that all human beings have. We are social creatures, and we need to bond with people with whom we feel we have something in common - our pack or tribe, I guess.

How you go about that depends on your circumstances, and I really cannot advise or even suggest. But is is necessary. Probably more necessary than anything else. If you make it a real priority in your life and focus on it, maybe you can see a way forward?

 

Jrockcold, please, don't do that... We have to be strong. Many of us here are going through pain... but this will make us stronger. Don't give up so early. Please. Let's stop suicides. Please Jrockcold, I know you can do it.

 

If you did come out to your boss, what is the worst that could happen? What is the best that could happen? If she is very active in the community, the first thing one would hope to expect is that she would be a valuable ally and resource for you. She would be that someone to whom you can finally talk!

Yours is definitely not the only "married but gay" situation, it happens, and continues to happen because of the shame and stigma that still pervades in our society. Will she judge you because of that? Unlikely. You could perhaps explore this with her, say a "friend" of yours is gay and married; ask her what she thinks of that.

 

You 'chickened out'? I disagree. I think it takes more courage to go on living, than to end it all. Having said that, I don't really believe it all ends anyway, but that's another story.

 

Please don't kill yourself for your own sake and the sake of your children. You can rewrite your life in your own script as best you can now. I totally agree with Carmel, you need to meet people but not on apps.

Maybe a gay friendly church? Nothing necessarily religious but just to meet people travel if necessary. Think hard of places you can go, there might be a support group for married gay men in your area, maybe join a gym that does classes with other people and accepts beginners (crossfit?), do you have a dog/cat? Could you get one?

Try and reignite passions that you might have, music, books etc.

 

If you had asked me two and a years ago if things were going to get better for me I would have said (and did say) that it was totally impossible and I might as well end my life.

Things did eventually get better, though some things in my life still suck. But at the time I really couldn't believe it and kept arguing with people who said they wanted me to live. I was in the mental hospital at one point. (Though it actually did me some good...)

I really wish I had great advice for you. I do think talking to your boss would be a good idea and I hope you will feel able to do that. I also agree about the music and books. Everyone is different but I like to read something escapist and silly and just think about that for a while instead of about my life.

I never thought I'd say it but I'm glad I didn't kill myself back then, and I really hope you're able to say the same thing eventually.

 

I honestly believe that this video can give you a different perspective. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMPzDiraNnA

It sounds a bit like a motivational speech, but actually it's not. It talks about learned helplessness and how it prevents us from achieving our goals in life.

 

I hope you know that by your posts we know you want help. Know that you are loved and your heart deserves happy days. Keep up the posts. We will be with you. The fact that you are answering the posts addressed to you shows that you a kind person.

 

Sometimes, even if we're largely in a valley, we have days that surprises us in how much we're able to smile. The wait for those days suck. But you'll be glad when they do. And once things change, you can find that those days become more and more and more, in the end they'll be the standard.

Know that there are people who love you and care for you and you're more than worthy of all the happiness in the world. Stay safe and try your best. We're here whenever you want to talk.

hugs

 

I read your story, and my heart goes out to you as you are in such pain.
I tried to commit suicide when I was 17, but in the end, couldn't do it. I thought I was a coward, that I had chickened out. No one knew. I held it inside for years. I had been bullied for years in school, lived with abuse at home, was sexually molested as a teenager, and while I did not know I was gay, I knew I was profoundly different and felt terribly lonely.
I was afraid of hope, and did not even know where to look for it. But in time, it found me.

The process of healing has been a long journey. Years later I did meet a wonderful woman, we were best friends, and married. We have a child, and both have been a blessing in my life. It has only been in the last couple of years that I have come to the acceptance that I am gay.and again, it means a radical change in my life, and there is so much grief and pain. But there is hope, and I am beginning to see a new life and a new way of living.

Today, I am profoundly grateful that I did not commit suicide. I did not chicken out. I thought I was a coward, but it was not cowardice that stopped me that day - it was a strength I did not know I had.

I do not know all of your pain. But I do know what pain and suffering feel like. I believe you have more strength than you know. I believe there are people who can help you, but you will need to reach out for help, it's there.
And we are here. You are not alone.

 

Hey bud, I hope this finds you alive.

I just went through a crisis this past Saturday. Guy I had been talking to for 6 weeks or so, that I was going to take to a concert, and was going to come over for the whole weekend, completely flaked out on me without word. I thought we had a genuine connection.

I kept thinking what the fuck is so wrong with me that people keep flaking out on me. No real friends here to speak of. I've got my 15 year old son, but that's only part time. I hated to think of him loosing another father. We adopted him 3 1/2 years ago, his mother was a drug addict, and his father committed suicide in jail (which he still doesn't know about, he only knows his father is dead.)

So, mid Saturday, after crying 1/2 the day, I was sitting in the shower, a loaded .38 revolver in my hands resting on my knees. Going through the same thing. Why bother living with so much pain. Praying to God to show me a different path. I searched "why should I live?" on google, and found this Suicide - Do you need a reason... to live or to die? Didn't really comfort me any, but one thing stuck. Suicide is just transferring your pain to those around you. No matter the note, your children, and your wife, are going to deal with your suicide long after you are dead. I don't even remember now what caused me to click open the cylinder and empty the bullets out of the gun, but I did it.

Only an hour later a friend came over on his own, and got me high. We talked a little bit, but just having someone there calmed me immensely.

I too suffer from clinical depression, and the worst thing you can do is hide it. My turning point with depression came last year, another suicide attempt, another decision not to end it, and then Robbin Williams suicide. That hit me harder than anything. I forced myself to learn more about depression and the things inside of myself that were haunting me. The loud, loud Drill Sargent from Hell in my head always telling me how worthless I was, how much I had failed in my life. Learned that, that voice was my inner critic, not really me, and I could completely ignore it. It's when I choose to listen to him that I feel depressed.

Accepting and embracing depression helped me deal with it more than fighting it ever had. That inner critic is still there, always will be, but I can choose how I deal with it.

I will always have depression, there will always be some pain associated with it. But there is a difference between having pain from something, and suffering because of it. Reading a book on acceptance and commitment therapy helped me a great deal in learning how to deal with the pain, and turn around my suffering. Acceptance and commitment therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Don't forget you have a friend and a partner right there with you. Think about talking to your wife more about your depression and suicidal thoughts. I never felt my wife was my best friend, so I never talked to her about anything regarding my depression, suicidal thoughts, my bisexuality, or my general hatred for my life. She was and is absolutely devastated with my whole coming out process, which occurred in the middle of a crisis. If she is your best friend, then you should try to work things out with her.

I hope this helps.

 

Thank you for sharing, Kindly. I'm sorry the friend flaked on you, but I'm so glad your other friend came over and was a help.

 

I forgot what I had for a moment. I'm in a much better place now.

I forgot I'm like juggling 3 or 4 other guys trying to find the best matching guy(s) for me.

And have a wonderfully moody 15 year old son. And really more friends that I shouldn't feel alone.

It's not wanting to add to others problems that prevents me from reaching out. Forgetting that friendship is a two way street.

Thanks for everyone's concern. I don't want my problems to overshadow the issues facing Jrockcold. I just wanted to let him know, he's not alone in feeling the way he does. It's a struggle sometimes... Sharing the struggle helps I think. Cathartic.