So...my husband and I are very open and honest with our two children when it pertains to any questions they may have or just about general life situations. We are neither conservative nor liberal..we just are who we are and accept all walks of life and try to be friendly in general. With that being said, our daughter, who is six, has always been a tomboy I think due to her having an older brother and me being rough and tough. She started school last September wearing girly clothes and hanging with everyone. After a while her choices in clothing changed. Then she started hanging with the boys and telling me to introduce her as a boy. She will wear girly things if she has to, but prefers boy clothes and occasionally girl clothes if not pink or frilly. Pal though she has long beautiful curly hair ppl mistake her for a boy at least every other day. This doesn't really bother us...however, our community is maybe a little over 3,000 ppl. It's mainly a retirement community with young couples as well. Extremely conservative! I've had comments made by other moms and now my daughter is asking other girls to marry her and making it known how she feels at school. Her teacher is awesome!! Says she is an amazing student and that my daughter is a leader, but she did have to pull me aside because it's confusing the other students. Her teacher is very supportive, but wanted to let me know. I know this is all over the place, but I just don't know how to react to any of it. She asks if she can marry a girl when she grows up and we tell her she can marry whoever she wants to. We don't tell her she has to wear girl clothes or has to wear boy clothes. I know ppl keep telling me it's just a phase, but either way I want to be supportive and I need advice on how to talk to her and how to talk to other parents. Please help!!
Hey dracoally12, First of all, welcome to EC, and congratulations in being such a great mom! We need more moms like you, who are supportive and seek for advice. I think you are doing great by respecting her choices. I'm not an expert on gender things, but you should just keep supporting her, and let her know you are there for when she needs you. Hugs (*hug*)
You might have a look at this brochure: http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf Only thing I would disagree with is page 7, where they state stress, instead many experience relief. It states that being trans has biological connections, to do with development before birth which influences the sense of self. So its not a light hearted decision but how they feel, and there are many feeling this way. Its nobodys fault, neither theirs nor that of their upbringing. It explains some of the feelings transgender people have. And, well, its people like others... with cravings and needs like everybody esle... I personally also like the twin comparison... they basically will be like their male/female twin, with the same sense of humour etc... Here is a resource from another parent: http://www.acceptingdad.com/2013/08/05/to-the-unicorns-dad/ Here might be another source: Am I Transgender or Transsexual - Teens Wonder Am I Transgender or Transsexual Baseline is if they have persistent feelings like this it is likely it is not going away. They might have medical intervention later to have puberty stopped (this is reversible) if they feel that way. This way their body would not evolve in a direction they do not want to go into. If they would make a hormone replacement therapy later their transition to their desired gender-if thats what they want- could be easier. Imo you should think about getting a good gender therapist, and talking it through with them... you might ask at transgender groups, at plannedparenthood, a lgbt center, or look for a gender therapist... if they are not supportive you might look for another... not looking for a gatekeeper but for a supportive person who helps the child. Its good you are supportive. Its important for the child to evolve on his terms. There are many people who have supressed feelings, having to deal with depressions and unwanted roles in their lifes later. hugs
I try to talk to her a little bit about it. Example: I was on the phone with a friend and she told me that my daughter grabbed her daughters hand and asked her to marry her. My friend said her daughter told her that it was a little weird. I didn't know what to say. My friend was not upset by this, but what do I say to these parents? After a while I asked my daughter if this happened in a casual manner and she said yes. I asked her why she wanted to marry her friend and she said it's because she's beautiful. However, we watched a movie the other night and she kept saying how handsome the main character was and it was a guy. So idk... I'm supportive no matter what. I just don't want to do anything to suppress her feelings either way. And other parents are tricky as well since she is so young.
Well you might say that your kid is more happpy with a boys role... Well handsome like beautiful to look at or handsome like I'd like to be that way ?
Beautiful to look at. In the beginning of the year she was I love with all of her guy friends. Then it switched like that..all of a sudden. She tells me that she still likes them, but not in that way cuz she's gonna marry a girl.
Well its possible she comes into an age where she and her age group gets aware of gender roles. Before it might have not been important. You might ask her how she identifies. Often childern have a pretty good insight and a really nice way to say how they feel. You might ask a few questions... how they identify... what they would be like when they grow up... what they think of grown up men and women...
First of all, Mom, it's ok. It will be ok. She may be more masculine of center and be expressing it, she may be trans, or it may be a stage. No telling(sorry, wish I had the answer) Just support her, defend her and honor her choices at this time. If she is saying she will marry a girl, let her know that it is ok to feel that but that other girls may feel weird because they may be getting taught that they can only marry boys. So, to just keep it between you guys. Let her know it's ok to marry a girl but sometimes people don't tell their kids that and it's sad, but that is the way some people are. This is not hiding who she is, but protecting her from scrutiny, and gives her breathing room to have feelings and thoughts without judgement by society and others. Also, you are going to have to advocate for her. Support her clothing choices, and if others say anything, tell them that you respect your daughters need to have freedom of movement with her clothing and she is 'way too active to be put in ruffles and bows all the time' when other parents see you supporting and being ok with her being a tomboy they will stop. I would use the tomboy card for now. Let her know you are ok with how she wants to express herself. Don't be afraid to pull in the teacher for assistance on talking to the class about some girls and boys like to wear clothes that some people think are only for girls of boys, and let them know that there are no such thing as either girl or boys clothes. Look at the Highland Scots....they wear Sporrans(purses) and Kilts(skirts). Hang in there, the best thing right now is to accept and support her. She knows you and Daddy love her and that will pretty much cushion her from anything society has to say about it at her age.
The best advice that I think you can have at the moment is that you need to become her advocate. You are doing the right thing by supporting her and her choices. Things may be confusing to her right now, and she could be just figuring things out. It's important to give her the space to sort this stuff out, and let her know that you love and support her no matter what. It is also important, as Lipstick Leuger wrote, to not to shelter her from the ugliness of the world. It's important that she understands how other people think and might feel, but as you do this you should share your values with her. At the core of those values should be the encouragement you give her to be true to herself, regardless of what other people think or say, and to let her know that you will always love her no matter what she decides. When you encounter other parents, that's really the hard part. That's when you have to become the advocate, because if they are upset, they are going to be expecting you to restrain or punish your daughter. You may have to be willing to let a few bridges burn if some parents have serious problems. No one wants to experience rejection or isolation, especially in a small community, but you have to be prepared for it to happen to one degree or another. Things will become more difficult as your daughter gets older. That's when she is going to really become aware of society and what it expects of her as a female. That's when the pressure to conform really happens. So, that's why it's important now to cushion her against that, by not hiding the realities of the world from her, and at the same time encouraging her to be authentic to who she truly is. There are going to be ups and downs. What's important is that you continue doing what you are doing. You are an awesome mother, and your daughter does not realize how lucky she is to have you.
