Hi all, I'll try to explain everything really well, so I apologize if this might turn out a bit long. I'm a 20 (nearly 21) year old female from the Netherlands and since 6 months I've been questioning my sexuality. I was diagnosed with mild depression and mild-heavy anxiety and some ocd when I was 16. I've also never felt sexual attraction in my life - unless you count turning as red as a beet, but everyone tells me real sexual attraction is something different altogether, and I don't find the genitals of either sex particularly attractive, so I might be asexual. I do however - tmi - enjoy masturbating from time to time, but mostly to lesbian porn. For as long as I can remember, I had a crush on a different boy every year since kindergarten . I've always had very low self-esteem and I can't remember ever liking myself and not wanting to be someone else, so out of fear I always crushed on the unattainable guys - there's no risk of getting hurt that way. Of course, I've always crushed on actors as well, my chances are even lower with them! :lol: Everything went fine until 6 months ago. I met a girl at a language course and we became friends, but she was just like any other female I'd met: I liked being her friend but I was still straight as hell. Then something switched after I'd known her for 3 months. I was looking at my phone because I was early for class and she came in and asked what I was looking at - I looked up and smiled really stupidly and told her what I was watching. That's when the confusion kicked in. I asked myself why I was smiling so hard and why on earth was I so happy to see her? That one event triggered a huge anxious reaction and I started questioning myself 24/7. I tried to check if I felt some kind of attraction with every blonde girl I saw - she was blonde so my obsession is restricted to blondes only, if a girl's a brunette I won't even bother to check. At the same time, I'm still crushing on actors... I'm quite prone to overthinking so this is sort of ruining my life. It really bothers me that I might be bi or lesbian because most people seem to know already when they're in their teens. The truth is that I don't really have anything to be scared of - I have quite a few lesbian friends, and I have never met anyone who was homophobic. The only person holding me back is myself, because I've never kissed anyone or been in a relationship so I'm not exactly open to experimenting. I hope this is lengthy enough, and I really hope you guys can help me somewhat. Thanks!
This is a really old thread, but many of us over the summer and early fall were kind of in your shoes: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/143948-has-never-happened-before.html It's really long, but I think the discussion was really good and wide ranging with a lot of "me too"s that might help. I'm on usually at least weekly if you want to leave a message on my wall (after you hit 10 posts). So no specific advice, but a resounding "you aren't alone!"
Hi this isn't really advice exactly but I read your story and realized your in a very similar situation as myself. I have been questioning my sexuality for a couple years now which was brought on mostly by actors and television shows. There would be a lesbian couple or kiss and i would just get really excited I guess by it and watch it over and over again. There is this one actor in a webseries that i watch who i just find incredibly attractive I follow her on social media mostly twitter and istagram and I just get very giddy every time she posts anything, It doesn't help that she is really funny either but she will post pictures of herself and ill just start smiling like an idiot and ill look at these pictures for a long time. She came out to the fandom as sexually fluid and she plays a lesbian vampire in the webseries wears a lot of black leather and is just crazy hot. I am similar to you because Im am pretty close to your age 19 almost 20 and i also have never kissed anyone, im a pretty shy person and still trying to figure things out. I have a good friend from high school but we both went off in separate ways to school. I have had a crush on her for awhile but I always just kinda put it aside and didn't deal with it. We are close friends and talk on the phone a lot and awhile ago she sort of came out to me and told me that she was dating a girl. A couple days after she told me I called her back and we got talking and i actually ended up coming out to her as well. Nothing really came out of that and she and this girl dated for awhile and things just didn't really work out that well between them they decided to not start a relationship. When she tells me about this stuff i get pretty jealous but i have never told her about my feelings for her since we live in different cities and I also don't want to make our friendship weird. Anyway that probably didn't help you out much, but just know that im in sort of a similar situation, ive also like boys in the past aswell but right now im just trying to figure myself out. That ended up being a really long description but im always open to chat with.
Thank you all for replying, I really appreciate it! It's amazing this community exists. I told my mom a few weeks ago I was having doubts. She told me it's totally normal because I didn't really have a normal puberty - I dealt with some losses of close loved ones and I've never really been the same since. She also said that I shouldn't fret so much because she would still love me no matter what, so it's great she's being so supportive. I'm slowly trying to open my mind and to try and notice what's catching my eye. I've always had crushes on male actors (right now as well) and I've felt that bolt of electricity when seeing guys (has only happened twice but I'm kind of picky and scared to open up to anyone) and I have a thing for strong arms, backs and blue eyes. I've noticed in the past few days that most of the time, I look at girls to see what they're wearing or how they have done their make-up; a lipstick colour I like, perfectly even wings etc. I'm pretty sure that's what other straight females notice as well. However, I've also noticed I'm a sucker for nice butts (although boobs really aren't attractive imo) and I do notice I seem to have a type: blondes with a bobbed or shorter haircut and a quirky face (as I mentioned before; if you're a brunette I won't even bother looking). There's 3 girls I know of that fit that description, so I decided to examine my feelings on them. I don't see the first one anymore because she moved to Turkey with her parents, but I regularly see the second and third ones. The second one is really pretty and she has striking features, but it's almost like looking at a nice painting. I get more nervous around the third one, but I looked at her and I thought that she wasn't really as pretty as I remembered and I'm not sure if I'm actually feeling anything. As for relationships, I see myself in a relationship with a man because I think something would be missing if I were dating a woman, that it would feel to much as if we just were friends - but I haven't dated anyone yet so I'm just trying to be as openminded as my anxiety allows me. I'm still doubting but I feel supported now I know this forum exists, that the only thing what counts is to be happy, and that all my friend and family love me and wouldn't really care about what sex my partner has. The hardest thing is the frustration of feeling unsure because this is yet another thing I obsess about! This is terribly long but I'm very happy all the accounts of other people and the advice are as helpful and caring as possible!
I'm glad your mom was supportive! Post questions/thoughts any time. It helps me stop obsessing once I get them out.
I don't really have any advice for you either, but I definitely want to throw out that you're not alone! I'm nearly 25 and I suddenly became infatuated with a woman. Then I thought back on life and realized that about 6 years ago, I went to an all girls college and I had a few crushes then as well. The only difference is, I'm not into blondes. Male or female. I'm into brunettes. Haha
It's been some weeks now since I first came to this forum, and I just want to write down my thoughts. I think there's a big possibility that I'm bi. I've tried to think of myself as straight and that doesn't really seem to fit, but neither does gay. I am probably able to get crushes on girls, although it's kind of hard to make out due to my anxiety and the knot I feel instead of the butterflies. I can also crush on guys, because I still squeal when I see my favourite actor and I get all fuzzy inside. However, I'm not a very sexual person and I will probably never be. I will probably have to wait until I get into a relationship to know whether I'm really bi or not, but time will tell I guess, and I'm willing to stay with anyone that makes me truly happy. (&&&)
