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13 years of confusion

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by how low, May 1, 2015.

  1. how low

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    Let me tell you real quick about myself. I’m 28, straight by default and I’ve been questioning my sexual orientation since I was about 15. No one knows about my struggle except for my former psychologist whom I tried to explain my situation. Now, I apologize that my post will be long, but there are many things I have to say. And hopefully some of you will help me understand it better.

    As a kid and younger teen I liked boys, but at the same time I was tomboyish (liked to play soccer with boys, did martial art, wore sport clothes etc.). I also grew up in a country where LGBT people didn’t have rights and even much visibility so I didn’t know about it till my teens.

    When I was about 15 I started to question if I was a lesbian (again, I didn’t know bi was even an option). The reason was that I felt attraction towards one of my classmates. I didn’t know what kind of attraction it was and still don’t know. I want to be her friend (she never was), to talk with her more and wished she acknowledge me as an interesting person too. At the same time, I was very fearful, ashamed and could barely talk around her and look into her eyes, acting extremely awkward. But I also secretly wish she was around me. I started to think of her a lot and then it turned into me thinking that I’m lesbian. It was fearful and shameful. She was good looking, but I never thought about kissing or having sex with her until I started questioning myself. Sometime later, while this was still going on, I fell in love with a guy, who was my friend’s boyfriend. He didn’t even know about my feelings, not to mention love me back. It was very traumatizing.

    After I finished school many things happened that “helped” me distract from that thing. Namely, I got eating disorder which was a problem of itself, but also repressed my sex drive for some time. I didn’t date a lot, but I have some short-termed male crushes and one sexual partner (male, again) whom I just liked without much emotional attraction. I also, if I may so, developed an interest in lesbian subculture. I listen to the “lesbian” music (I liked one particular group before I knew about their background and when I learned it, it was like evidence I’m lesbian), was on forums and even near the places when they gathered in our city. Partly it may be because I was rebelling against typical family life and my parents, but I don’t really know. I still do something like that, e.g. watching YT channels by lesbians (and gay men). Sometimes I get annoyed when people ask me questions that only make sense if one is straight (e.g. doctors) – I immediately wonder, what if I’m not straight, who would I answer this? (more in a curious way)

    The question was still in my head, and then the whole situation kinda repeated itself with the same triangle. There was a girl in my uni whom I felt pretty much the same toward, although this time I started to question it right away and maybe there was more physical component involved (e.g. I was dressing thinking to impress her). Again, I acted awkward, blushed and secretly with we were close friends. I thought about her a lot, but I didn’t/don’t know if I wanted to kiss her/have sex with her. When I asked myself, I couldn’t come with an answer. It was scary, but I wouldn’t say disgusting. And I had a guy I had a serious, heart-breaking crush on man about the same time.

    So there were three women I felt some sort of attraction to (I didn’t describe the third one, it was the same), two guy crushes who never transformed into relationships and also two sexual partners (men) without much emotional attraction. Sometimes I would act the same way to my female “crushes” as I do for my male ones (like secretly stalking them through social media, feeling guilty and ashamed in both cases). As for sex with men, I liked it, but it had some room for improvement, so to speak.

    There is also one detail: every woman I had “crush” on was in my head a lesbian (either someone said it, or it was my intuition). It might not be true, but what I’m trying to say is I’m only “attracted” to lesbians. Like when I know girl is, I started to see her in the other way immediately (like become interested?). That’s what happened with my second woman “crush” – I didn’t have much interest in her until someone said she looked like a lesbian. On the other hand, I never had a “crush” on seemingly straight women and my girlfriends are out of the question completely (they are my friends! you don’t sleep with friends).

    About two years ago I was fed up with my uncertainty and started to research the topic. After watching zillion LGBT-educational , -comedy and coming out videos I calmed down a bit and decided I didn’t have to put a label on myself. I also decided not to seek actively same-sex experimentation opportunities, but if something happens again (e.g. I had another “crush”) I wouldn’t run from it. But now I’m still anxious about the whole thing. I watched Orange is new black, got hooked (watched later like 6 times or something), every time being aroused by plot and some characters. Funny thing is I seem to be aroused differently from males and females. When I watch porn (by the way, I only watch male-on-male porn and never regular one), I’m mostly aroused in my groin and it should be very explicit images (hardcore porn). With women, it can be simply a look or a kiss and I feel it in my stomach or inside my chest.

    My experience with men (sexual and relationship-wise) is not very broad and I never had sex/relationships with men who I truly loved. With women I have no experience at all, but I don’t feel super grossed-out (except for oral part that I don’t like with men as well).

    Finally, right now I’m having difficult time in my life due to other reasons, my self-esteem is in the toilet, so I haven’t dated for some time and I’m not confident to do it in the nearest future. So I’m not ready to experiment right now.

    Ok, thank you for reading so far, now we are at the end. I found this forum a day ago and read about HOCD there (never heard of it before). At first, things started to make sense, but then I started wondering if it’s really my case. I don’t fully fit the description. Plus I started to get frustrated – “so now I’m not bi/bi-curious/hetero-flexible (whatever label I assigned to myself)? But I don’t want it to be OCD, it’s real!”. Now I think I have OCD about having HOCD which doesn’t clarify anything. Although may be it’s just my wish to be special and different.

    So, do you think it’s really HOCD or nah? I’m still confused.
     
  2. RainbowMan

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    Well, I don't believe that there is such a thing as HOCD, at least not in the sense that most people on this forum think about it (and you don't seem to exhibit many "symptoms" of it either) . I think that you hit the nail on the head when you said that you felt shame. Shame is a very powerful emotion, and can effect everything about our lives. There's a TED talk on that topic here, and I think that you'd greatly benefit from watching it, and perhaps talking to a therapist that specializes in LGBT issues (even though there are other issues in your life right now - they can talk about those as well!)

    And there's absolutely no rush to do label yourself, as you said. You mention that you're going through some other things in your life right now that preclude you from dating, so there's obviously some other stressors there. Take care of those, talk to the therapist that I recommended about those as well, and see what you can do about them.

    Welcome to EC! :grin:
     
  3. RainbowMan

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    I've moved this to Sexual and Romantic Orientation since I think that this will get more visibility there :slight_smile:
     
  4. bi2me

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    Welcome! It sounds like you are still fairly young and aren't in a relationship. Id try to let things happen as they do. If you are open to trying to date women and men, put yourself in situations where those opportunities may arise. Try not to level yourself if you can help it. The answers usually come with time, experience (talking with people too, not just dating/sex), therapy for some folks, and a lot of questioning and introspection.
     
  5. Jaymmm

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    Dear How low, welcome to the club. I could sign under almost every sentence you wrote. If it wasnt your post i´d think that i wrote it several months ago and forgot about it.

    3 crushes on women, i started to be "attracted" to them after learning they are lesbians, youtube videos, i also think i just want to be special and make things up, the only difference: i think im more attracted to men than you describe but also i have never felt any emotional connection to men up to now

    would you say you´re physically attracted to men and women equally? (im not because im attracted only to men)
     
  6. how low

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    Thank you all for your answers!

    @RainbowMan
    Thanks for your help! I'll check this TED talk.

    @bi2me
    Yes, I'm open to idea of experimenting, but not right now, and it also kinda scary, especially in a country like mine. I know that I need some time.

    @Jaymm
    Wow, I never thought one may have similar experience.
    I'm still not sure if I have sexual attraction towards women (do I not feel it or do I supress it because of my cultural conditioning?). I seem to be attracted to men physically and emotionally, although for me it never combined in one guy unfortunately. I would love someone, but he didn't feel the same way towards me. And I had sexual parnters to whom I was attracted physically, but without much emotional connection, more like friends with benefits or something.
     
  7. Jaymmm

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    its possible that you supress it cos of your cultural conditioning, try to imagine that you can travel to other city in a liberal area when nobody could find out... is it feel liberating and make you wanna experiment more (?)
     
  8. how low

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    It sounds so. I actually made a plan to move to more liberal country (Germany) in the future as I'm not happy with the one I live for many reasons. But I'm also anxious about bringing my fears with me, so to speak.
     
  9. womaninamber

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    I'm quite a bit older than you but it sounds like we have a lot in common. I also found myself, especially in college, drawn to LGBT events and wishing I could be with lesbians (not so much individual crushes but wishing anyway), while still being convinced at the time that I was actually straight. Now I think maybe I was mostly scared, as I was pretty naive and had very little experience with men either. Also bisexuality was barely a thing then so I thought I had to be straight or gay.

    I have had romantic relationships with men and the romantic part seemed OK but the physical sexual part never really got off the ground, not even with my ex-husband.

    Anyway I also found out about HOCD (don't remember how) and became convinced I had it, and didn't want to have it. I do think I have OCD in general but I made a mistake leaping to the conclusion that I had HOCD. But it's interesting that I'm not the only one who has done this!

    Anyway I didn't mean to just talk about myself in your thread, but a lot of the things you said do remind me of me.

    I hope things work out and you can be in Germany.
     
  10. how low

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    It's totally ok that you talk about your experience. In fact, it's really helpful and reassuring, because we always tend to think we're special snowflakes and our problems are unique (which is mostly not the case). At least, for me.

    When I read about HOCD, at first it clicked very fast, but then I started doubting, because although some things felt right, others were were more similar to a closeted person (e.g. I'm not disgusted by experimentation) and yet others were different from both.
     
  11. Jax12

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    HOCD isn't a disorder. However, OCD is. The reason why people might jump the gun and think they have OCD is because it's linked to anxiety and if they keep asking themselves am I gay am I gay, then it makes them think they have HOCD which then leads them to believe that "hey maybe I'm not gay!".

    Whether it's OCD or not, it'll take you a while for you to be okay with your attractions, whatever it turns out to be.
     
  12. wasgij

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    Hi!

    Maybe lesbians and queer people in general seem like a much safer bet, unlike the sea of straight people where it feels like they will just tear you down? I totally get that.

    People sometimes say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", but there are some things that might not kill you the first time, but they will still weaken you. Like working with epoxy glue without gloves. After a few times you could get sensitised and your skin can't handle it any more. I think that rejection can be a lot like that. And there's nothing worse than people who simply got lucky, but they think there was some special skill involved, so they're brimming with positivity about how they can help you overcome your feelings of rejection.

    "You just just roll with the punches, just learn from your mistakes and just try again."
    Well, what if you can feel it getting worse each time, like that glue, and doing the same thing again would just be stupid? And what makes them so brave? Maybe their feeling of "rejection" was just a little scratch compared to my deep wounds?

    If we're talking about deep wounds, then maybe it's just not worth it to keep looking for that 'jackpot' or "pot of gold at the end of the rainbow" that other people talk about? Only you can be the judge of that. In my personal case, I got tired of a few things like on-line dating. It just didn't seem worth it. I was wasting my life away, feeling like I was addicted to browsing through random profiles, getting maybe 3-4 dates per year.
     
  13. how low

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    @Jax12
    To be honest, I'm very confused now about what HOCD is and isn't and whether I have it or not (because I'm trully not fully straight). I just want to stop this mindf**k in my head and for some reasons venting here makes me feel better. In any case, I'm willing to take my time to accept my attractions whatever they may be.

    @wasgij
    Yeah, they do seem "safer", because I'm pretty shy gal and am also very afraid of rejection. So you're right here. But my perception of a person whom I know already changes dramatically after I learned they were lesbian. Like I suddenly become interested or "attracted" to them.
    I have been rejected twice (both times by men) which was very hurtful and took some years for me to overcome. It made me more "closed" in general, so now I'm afraid of being hurt again and seek less meaningful relationships or just stay single.
     
  14. Jaymmm

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    when you call it attractions, it may be a sign that its not HOCD; as you wrote that you arent disgusted by fantasizing about your crushes then it most probably isnt HOCD;
    people with HOCD are tired of questioning but they deep down inside know they are totally straight, they are disgusted by the idea of being with other people of same sex even if nobody else would know about it; if somebody hates liking something- it isnt HOCD;
    on the other hand as a person who is not sure about having HOCD i know it can be more complex, for example if your feelings are not obvious and are mixed, you can be disgusted by thinking of some women and not disgusted by thinking of others- in that case i dunno how it counts; if u arent disgusted generally then i dont think its HOCD but just anxiety connected with your questioning