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Just another set back

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jrockcold, Apr 22, 2015.

  1. Jrockcold

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    So I took advice from here and found a good counselor. I was even ready to make her the first person I came out too. I feel really comfortable with her and thought that maybe I was on my way to a better life. But now I get a message from her saying she's moving back to Maryland and will not be able to work with me anymore. I really should be used to this. It seems like every time something is going good just turns around and everything gets screwed up.

    Right now all I wanted do is die. I don't have the strength to takes to continue this anymore. It's just not worth it.
     
  2. bingostring

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    yeh - its worth it !! Don't give up. If you were getting somewhere, you were getting somewhere. It sucks that you may have to pick up and start again. And you got the message via a message is also pretty poor.

    I think people can have very strong reactions to their therapists .. and read a lot in to their actions or what they say. A feeling of abandonment ?

    Sleep on it … and think about picking out someone new when the anger has subsided..
     
  3. Gymskirtboy

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    Hi,
    Please dont do anything silly its just not worth it. I've suffered all my life from fate intervening in anything good that happens to me. Yes she is now out of the picture so you have to look at other avenues to approach. Have you seen if there are any local LGBT support groups? I know you might say your scared to go to something like that, I'm about to do just that myself and I'm scared, but sometimes you just have to push yourself to get out of the rut your stuck in. I wish I was near you and could offer you personal help but sadly I'm not.
    Please dont give up, just search out other avenues for help. You'll get there in the end, honest.:kiss:
    Jim
     
  4. skiff

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    Hi,

    May I suggest...

    Tell therapist as part of selection process...

    "How much experience do you have with sexuality issues? Gay issus."

    You got money to burn keeping a therapist guessing? :slight_smile:

    Tom

    ---------- Post added 22nd Apr 2015 at 02:53 PM ----------

    Ps: if extra xash send it here LOL
     
  5. Jrockcold

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    I don't think I can start again. It's not as simple for me as just talking to someone else. I wish it was. I can't do the lgbt group because I'm married with 2 kids. And yes I know they would hurt if I was gone. Sure I've heard it all before. But what about the pain I feel? They could move on. I can't.
     
  6. Gymskirtboy

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    I'm in the exact same situation. I had to tell my wife in the end because it was that or end it all and I dont see why I should end my life because society made me pretend to be what I wasn't. You may end up spliting up with your wife but whats the alternative? Sounds like your on the border of doing something that will hurt your family so bad it will destroy them. Talk to your wife, it wont be as bad as the effect of you ending it all honestly. LGBT groups will be able to help you, your not the first married guy to discover your gay, not by a long shot.
     
  7. FreedMan

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    Jrock - yes, that's a bummer. Still, what I can see is someone who took a few steps toward himself. Doesn't really matter about the who or what of the other person's circumstances. Yes, it's unfortunate that it happened. But "unfortunate" is merely an obstacle - a temporary one if you so choose. Go take a walk along one of those beautiful gorges of Ithaca and have a good talk with yourself; more importantly, a good listen. You can do this. And you will be stronger for it -- and one day you'll use the strength garnered at this point in the path to get around even bigger obstacles, because trust me - there WILL be bigger ones; such is life.

    I can hear the roar of those waterfalls right now...... Ahhhh, Ithaca ..... Nothing like a roaring waterfall in your ears and sight to put things in perspective.
     
  8. Chip

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    Have you explored with her the possiblity of continuing with her doing Skype/phone sessions?

    Many therapists are now doing distance-based sessions, most state licensing boards understand and accept this, and it's becoming more and more common.

    15 years ago, I had a wonderful therapist, and a job where I was traveling continually for sometimes months at a time. My therapist and I did hour-long phone sessions... this was before cell phones were common or inexpensive, so it was usually from hotel rooms or pay phones... and I got just as much benefit as I did in person. I'd see her in person when I was in town, and "see" her by phone the rest of the time

    Your therapist might not feel comfortable doing this... but she might. You won't know unless you ask, and there's no harm in asking.

    If that isn't an option... there are definitely other options for finding a really great therapist. If you are open to the Skype/phone thing, there are a lot of options. I know it seems hard to start over again, but I can promise you it's worth it.
     
  9. arturoenrico

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    That is really unfortunate news and I sympathize because I know it can be hard to find someone you feel comfortable with. I don't know how long you saw her for but if it's recent, she really should not have been taking on new people if she knew she was moving. It's a loss which is coming at a time you are vulnerable. Don't give up, as tempting as it can seem at times. Maybe she can refer you to someone she knows. Ithaca is generally a hip place; there must be a network of LGBT friendly therapists.
     
  10. Jrockcold

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    I have asked her about skype/phone sessions and she said she would rather not. I have only been seeing her for about 3 months now. I have been to a few different therapists just trying to fond the right one. None of the others made me feel comfortable. And I did search around for an LBGT friendly therapist. She was one of them.

    And skiff, if I felt comfortable just coming out and telling a therapist I was gay before talking at all, why would I need them in the first place? I don't have money to burn but I apparently I am to week to do anything else.

    I'm also not sure about the LGBT groups. What am I supposed to say?? Hi I'm Jrock and I'm gay, but please don't tell anyone or you will ruin my life all at once.

    I've been living this lie for so long I seriously don't think there is a way out for me. No matter what I do someone gets hurt bad. At least if I'm gone I don't have to feel the pain anymore. I just want it to end.
     
  11. CalgaryMac

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    Someone once suggested to me that every time I say "can't", I should instead reflect on one of 3 things - (1) aI am afraid to, (2) I don't know how to, or (3) I don't want to. I encourage you to get another therapist.
     
  12. Chip

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    For what it's worth, I think one of the disservices people do to themselves is insisting on an LGBT-friendly therapist. Nearly all therapists, unless they are religiious quacks, are LGBT-affirming because all of the professional associations teach this and make it a part of appropriate ethical standards. But not a lot of therapists specifically list LGBT issues because it isn't a specialty.

    One of the best therapists I ever went to -- and the one that I came out while seeing -- didn't have an LGBT specialty. She didn't know a whole lot about the issues, but she was amazing and supportive and helpful... and spent time learning about the issues.

    As far as going to LGBT groups, nearly all of them are quite understanding and accepting of closeted people. In fact, that's one of the big reasons why people go... to develop comfort and confidence in being ready and able to come out.

    I know this all sounds insurmountable right now, but it really isn't nearly so much so as you might think. I think if you can put yourself out there a little more, you can find someone that works for you, a group you feel comfortable in, and a way to move yourself forward.

    Also, I'll suggest again: If you can't find someone you like locally, there are a lot of therapists who do Skype and phone sessions, and that could be a good option as well.
     
  13. Gymskirtboy

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    I honestly thing they will be the best people to talk to. You are not alone in living a lie. We are victims of an uncaring society and believe me the number of gay married men is very large. They will understand fully your predicament and help you to move forwards. Just remember that you didn't choose your sexuality, but people DO choose to be bigoted towards LGBT's. They are the ones at fault, they are the ones who put us in these seemingly impossiable situations.
    Please dont give up.
     
  14. tscott

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    The therapist I came out to was not gay, and we worked out many things. He was great. At one point, he said we had gone as far as we could and suggested I should find a gay therapist. That put me in a tail spin, but he did give me some leads. I'm not in a support group, but most operate under strict codes of confidentiality.

    I first came out to my rector in a moment of spiritual crisis caused by my being gay. My therapist didn't know yet. All I can tell you is that the relief of sharing that deepest was a huge relief, not that things changed and the hard work still needed to be done, but it gave me the strength to soldier on.

    You've my prayers and best wishes. (*hug*)
     
  15. Yossarian

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    Yes, you are supposed to tell anyone you want to help you that you are gay, but closeted, and that they should keep this knowledge about you private for the time being. I think most such groups understand where you are coming from and that you need some time before you can come out fully, due to circumstances you cannot yet go into. Many of them have been in the same situation.

    You will cause a lot more pain for your family if you are "gone", and there is no way for their pain to end, because you can't come back. In most of these situations, the kids accept their loving parents for what they are, as long as the parent loves them and shows it. You may have overestimated how much difference this will make to them, because it seems so important to you; it probably isn't so much for them.

    I know how difficult it can be to open up to a spouse and tell them the truth that you wish were not true. You feel a sense of depression and desperation right now because you don't know how you can actually do that, so you just want to run away from the whole mess to avoid it. Coming out to your spouse is not a life and death matter; it is just a matter of admitting that you were confused, that you made the choice you did out of love for her as a person, but that you have finally accepted that it was a mistake, and you and she together need to decide the best way to fix it with the minimum amount of damage to each other and the kids.

    If you need a therapist to help you figure out how to do this, then you will have to keep looking for one, but maybe you need to reach an acceptance of who you are at this moment, and get comfortable with the idea of telling a therapist what your problem is from the beginning, before spending a lot of time and money dodging the issue which is causing you the problem. If you want to practice doing so here before jumping in with a new therapist, I am sure people here will give you all the free help they can muster, to help make you more comfortable and organized to say what you need to say.