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When you don't fit easily into one category

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by cakepiecookie, Apr 21, 2015.

  1. cakepiecookie

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    Hi all. I hope it's okay that I post this here even though it's not specifically related to being LGBT later in life, it's just that I'm in my 30s feel a little weird asking for advice among teenagers.

    My question is, how do you deal with explaining/living with a slightly more "complicated" (for lack of a better word) sexuality/gender identity, i.e. something that doesn't fall neatly into the categories of LGBT? I'm currently coming out of a 9 year relationship with a man so this is all pretty new to me.

    I'm technically pansexual but am attracted to women the vast majority of the time (it's a bit more complicated than that but I won't bore you guys with all the details). You'd think telling people that would give them a hint that I'm only marginally interested in guys, but people still don't seem to get it and treat me as if I'm 50/50 bi, or even like I'm straight (e.g. friends exclusively asking about guys when referring to my love life, etc.). The fact that I was in a long-term relationship with a guy no doubt affects people's perception of me. Guys hit on me, assuming they must have some kind of chance, given that I've been with a guy before.

    I'm also not sure where I am on the gender spectrum, so I feel stuck in some weird grey area with that as well.

    I'm not even sure exactly what I'm asking here, but if anyone else has any input on how they navigate this, I'd be interested to hear it. :slight_smile:
     
  2. RedLynx

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    Hi, Cakepiecookie!

    It's not really uncommon to find people being confused here. I myself have gone through a lot of that before knowing what really is the real me. I also find myself irritated of people asking me about being married (heterosexually). If I could I would be abrupt in saying "Do I really look straight to you?" or "Don't assume that just because I look straight doesn't mean I can't be with a woman" or something like that. But all I could do is shrug it off, let them do their thinking. If they really want to know, I can tell them right away that I'm bi..but I'm more into women than men.

    I'm also currently trying to understand my own gender. I don't feel like I'm 100% female for some reasons...and very much wouldn't want to be identified as male. It's like I'm caught in this androgyny/non-binary confusion...but still struggling to incorporate it fully. I know I'm slowly getting there.

    It's nice to know I'm not the only one at this age that has gone through similar struggles. And somehow, the more you seek for answers, the more it gets complicated. I know you're still young and you have all the time in the world to figure out the ways to find what you're looking for. Good luck on your journey!

    P.S. Sorry, it's kinda long :slight_smile:
     
  3. MojoDojo

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    Confusion is the norm around here. Or at least, in my personal experience.

    I think a lot of the hetero assumptions come from being in a long term relationship with a man. I get it a lot. I am also pansexual, and am more attracted to women, than men.

    And gender is a funny thing. I don't neatly fit into the ftm box, even though it's what I most closely identify with. I consider myself about 80% male on a feminine day. A lot of times it's a struggle, and it's hard to figure out how to classify myself, or what steps I need to take to be comfortable and love myself - all while dealing with a husband who is having some issues with it.

    You have lots of time to sort it out. Sometimes it's hard to get to know yourself, when you've been trying to convince yourself of being something else (I don't know exactly if that's your situation, but it's mine, and the general statement is still valid).
     
  4. MisterTinkles

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    I've never fit into any "category".

    So you know what? I created my own!

    I'm just THAT freeking special!!!!

    :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
     
  5. iamgroot

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    Hii friend. So, what's the matter? You don't want guys to hit on you? hehehe.
    Just take it as a compliment then say you're not interested.
    As for categorizing you ... maybe you we're in a gay-for-you kind of thing ...??
     
  6. skiff

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    There is nothing neat or tidy about LGBT or falling into a stereotype. In many ways LGBT is a forced aliance for the shear sake of numbers.

    JUST BE YOU.
     
  7. kindy14

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    Everyone is unique... some people want to fit into labels and categories.

    I think the more broad your interest/attraction/attachment is, the less you fit into a particular label.

    hmmm, "just be you" may be the 2nd tattoo design I go for. Always need to remind myself that in uncomfortable situations (like sitting eating fries alone in a gay bar, trying not to stare at the cute bartender in front of me, waiting for my roommate to get off work.) (Maybe I we should put, "*most of the time" in smaller print under that, sometimes coming out of the closet you need to break out of you habits.)
     
    #7 kindy14, Apr 22, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2015
  8. TheStormInside

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    I think I'm probably Kinsey 5 as well, so I can relate. I don't at this time feel like I have enough interest in guys to date/be physical with one so I just identify as lesbian. I think you have to choose what works best for you. If you want to express you're only interested in women, perhaps you could switch your label to gay. Or "homoflexible" or "mostly gay." People are going to make assumptions, and unfortunately language is imperfect so a single word may not always convey exactly how one feels. You may have to re-explain to friends what your preferences are. For everyone else, you may simply have to accept that they don't fully get it and try not to worry so much what random people think of you (easier said than done, I know).

    How long have you been out? I've also found my friends just seem to "forget" that I came out to them at times. Having spoken to one of them on this subject it is indeed the case, and she told me that they're making an adjustment, too, and it may take some time for it to really sink in. Is it possible this could be the case with your friends, as well?
     
  9. CalgaryMac

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    I think one of the things that makes life confusing is that it seems like we are expected to choose a category to fit in - so that others are less confused. This happens even when we are comfortable with not fitting in.

    We are all sexual. For some it is clear from day one and stays that way. For most people there is experimenting or longer periods of being sexual with an assortment of people of alap ages, both genders, etc.

    If we could focus on the person we are with now without feeling compelled by society to fill in the context - who have you been with, who you might you be with in future, etc. Things change - I used to like MacIntosh apples and now I prefer Gala apples.
     
  10. bi2me

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    @CalgaryMac - isn't one of the issues that so many of us get married (or in LTR) expecting our tastes to remain the same forever? We often don't want to leave our marriages/families, but society doesn't *allow* so many options to solve that problem...
     
  11. cakepiecookie

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    Thanks so much for your input, guys. It helps so much to know I'm not alone with this.

    Yeah, this is pretty much exactly where I'm at. I've been trying to work through it and figure out what it all means for me, but when I look for discussions on nonbinary/trans issues, I feel most people there lean further towards the trans end of the spectrum than I do, so I don't quite fit in there either.

    Yeah, I'd say that's true for me too. I'm finally getting to a point where I'm understanding myself and starting to own my identity, so I guess it feel bit invalidating when others aren't getting it. It's probably more a reflection of my own newness to all of this than anything else. I suspect I'll calm down about it with time.

    Have long have I been out? The answer to that is kind of complicated. I came out to friends (not family) around 20. First as bi, then as gay (which I sincerely believed at the time). A couple of years after that, I ended up falling for a guy, and ended up having to recant my coming out. That sucked, and it's the reason I can't bring myself to declare myself gay again, even though it's tempting at times. I don't think I'll ever be with a guy again but given my past experience, I can't completely rule it out either, you know?

    Anyway, I was with that guy for the best part of a decade, and while I didn't actively hide the fact that I was pansexual, there was really any reason to bring it up. My group of friends changed over that time period, and by the time my ex & I separated, pretty much no one in my social circle knew I was anything other than straight. So I came out all over again last year. So yeah, it is pretty new to a lot of people, and I guess it takes time for people to make the mental shift.

    Anyway, thanks again for your responses, it helps. I'm going to continue to just be myself and trust that others will catch up with time.