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So I'm confused

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Maxey, Apr 16, 2015.

  1. Maxey

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    So lately I've been exposed more to trans and genderqueer people through Tumblr and other parts of the internet, and I've started to question my own identity.

    I'm a biological female, and for most of my life, I've identified as a bisexual girl (the bisexual part has only been open for about a year). But lately, I've started to wonder if that's really what I want to identify as.

    I should explain. It started after I started to get into cosplay. Although I've only completed one cosplay myself, I've discovered a ton of cool cosplayers that I admire and I've been looking at different cosplays constantly.

    One thing I've seen a lot is girls cosplaying as male characters, and binding and what not. I started to consider how cool it would be to bind and cosplay as a guy, but gradually I started to think about binding when it wasn't related to cosplay. I saw a tutorial for a homemade binder using a tank top, and I tried it in my room, tucking my hair under a hat and walking around in my room pretending I was a guy.

    After that, I've thought about it a bit more, but haven't really seriously considered not full-time identifying as female until recently. I was shopping with my mom, (for costumes for a play, I usually just wear pants and a shirt anyway) and while trying on a skirt, I started to realize that it felt completely wrong, more so then I've never noticed before. I went into an internal panic, wondering what was going on, and for most of that day, I had a feeling as if something was wrong or off.

    That hasn't happened to that extreme since, but there have been days where I think I may have felt more masculine than others. I've also been thinking about binding much more, and though I don't think I would actually want to cut my hair, I've started imagining myself with short hair and a flat chest on occasion.

    I don't know what I am. I have been considering identifying as genderfluid, but I'm cautious of jumping to this conclusion, because from most of what I've seen of trans and genderqueer people, most knew or felt like they did not identify as cis since very early on in my life. Then again, I haven't even thought much about gender at all until about a few years ago (I was homeschooled for a good portion of elementary school, and didn't really worry about any sort of socially acceptable conformity). But now that I think about it, there were times when I was younger that I definitely didn't act or identify as female, although I did not recognize it at the time. I used to play pretend games with my best friend, and more often than not, I'd opt to play a male role, whether it be acting as the brother or boyfriend when playing house, or roleplaying as Harry Potter when reenacting the best parts of the books. Even when alone, I sometimes pretended I was a male adventurer and ran around the yard and woods, though at the time I didn't even think of it as anything other than normal. It was the same way when I realized I was bi, at first I thought I had never had any of those feelings before, but the more I thought of it the more I realized how many times during my childhood I had acted other than straight and not thought anything of it.

    I don't know if I'm genderfluid, or genderqueer, or even androgynous, although I have started to think more and more that I am at least Genderqueer, and probably genderfluid. However, I still really have no clue, and possibly because of my childhood away from any kind of conformity, it is difficult for me to tell if I am experiencing any kind of gender dysphoria.

    Could someone please tell me how they knew they were genderfluid/genderqueer, and what it seems like based on my description here? I don't know what I want to identify as or even if I want to identify as something other than female, and as I don't really know anyone who isn't cis that I completely trust (I do know one person who identifies as non-binary, but I do not know them very well and I don't know if I would be comfortable going to them for advice), it would be nice to have an outside opinion and guiding hand.

    Thank you!!

    ---------- Post added 16th Apr 2015 at 04:28 PM ----------

    Oh, another thing.

    I'm not really too concerned with what to label myself as, as I don't really care what people think of me.

    I'm just wondering more along the aspect of how to feel about myself, and what I want to identify with on a day-to-day basis.

    And I would also like to know more about how to present myself, not for other people, like I said, I don't really care about others opinions, but more just for myself and what to tell close friends.
     
  2. Yesnomaybe

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    Hey!!! Our stories are super similar, so I figured I'd pitch in.
    I started to realize something was different about me when I was around 14/15. My body started to develop more and my boobs were getting a lot bigger. Sometimes when I was about to take a shower I'd just sit there and look at my body, and it didn't always feel right. I didn't know what I was feeling at the time, but now I know it was dysphoria. I felt like I had to hide my boobs, or at least stop looking at them. I felt so uncomfortable, sort of like I was being watched and judged. I had a tumblr, and through there I learned a lot about transgender people. It eventually led me to stories of genderqueer people, and I was instantly interested. It didn't really cross my mind yet that that was who I was, I was just so fascinated and kept learning more. I started to remember how as a child I'd always play the "dad" role when playing house with my friends, and as I got older and into video games- all my characters were male. Eventually all the pieces clicked, and I realized that I wasn't 100% female. I learned about gender fluidity, and it felt right. I still use that label, and it still suits me.
    I think it's very possible that you're gender fluid, but it wouldn't hurt to do research on the multitude of gender identities that there are and see if one fits you(if one doesn't, that's fine too)!! About identification and pronouns: do what feels right!! While I am genderfluid, I don't mind going by typical female pronouns (even thought it does bug me a little on my masculine and neutral days) and my birth name. You might not be like that, so ask yourself if your name and the pronouns used for you feel okay.
    Im here if you need to talk about anything :smilewave
     
  3. Im Hazel

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    There is actually a thread about experiences like these on the 1st page of this section. It was started by Jellal, if that helps. It has quite a few posts (including one by me), so it's worth a look.

    Maybe seeing a gender therapist would be useful? Also, labels should be your least concern at this point. Just be you and the rest should follow.
     
  4. Maxey

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    Thank you for sharing your story!
    It actually kind of helps. I have been doing research on the different types of gender identities, and so far Gender fluid seems to be the one that fits most, although I'm still not sure if I feel completely comfortable identifying as that yet. I feel like one of the reasons I feel odd about making the decision to identify as something other than cis is that I almost feel like my feelings aren't legitimate enough? Like as I've been thinking about it, I've wondered if these are actual feelings of dysphoria or just something that I've put into my head as I've become more exposed to the different gender identities that exist. The fact that you have a similar background of playing male roles as a kid and other things that I've experienced helps me feel a bit more sure of myself, so thank you :slight_smile:

    I think I might bring this up to my best friend soon, as soon as I'm more sure that I do want to identify as genderfluid or something similar. I know she would be accepting, as she's bi as well and we've had lots of conversations about these kinds of subjects, usually regarding others.

    Again, thank you for sharing your story with me, it helps more than you might think! :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 16th Apr 2015 at 06:15 PM ----------

    I think I might have already read through that one, I've been reading a lot of threads and stories on here for a bit, but I'll go and look again, thanks.

    For now, any kind of therapist wouldn't really be an option I'd want to consider :/
    Although I'm fairly confident that my parents would be accepting (I have an aunt who is gay and they're all for gay rights, and they've expressed confusion about transgenderedness in the past but not prejudice or hate) I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to them until I'm fairly sure of what I want to identify as and who I am. There's not really any rational reason behind this, it's just how I think, I prefer to sort out problems by myself or through anonymous support than going to my parents, or even friends. Thank you for the suggestion though, I'll keep it in mind just in case :slight_smile:
     
  5. Yesnomaybe

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    Omg, I totally know what you mean about feeling invalid. I noticed that on the days I feel female I'm like "this is fake... If I feel perfectly fine being female then maybe I'm just making everything else up..." And things like that!! It's definitely difficult doubting yourself, and even I haven't found a way to fully deal with it. Glad I could help!!!
     
  6. Maxey

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    Ahhh this actually makes me really happy that there's someone I can connect with and recognize common thoughts and feelings! I've doubted this for a while but just knowing that there's someone who has the same experiences that I do makes this so much easier! Thank you!! :grin:
     
  7. Queero

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    Whoa. Very similar to myself.

    "I don't know what I am. I have been considering identifying as genderfluid, but I'm cautious of jumping to this conclusion, because from most of what I've seen of trans and genderqueer people, most knew or felt like they did not identify as cis since very early on in my life. Then again, I haven't even thought much about gender at all until about a few years ago (I was homeschooled for a good portion of elementary school, and didn't really worry about any sort of socially acceptable conformity). But now that I think about it, there were times when I was younger that I definitely didn't act or identify as female, although I did not recognize it at the time. I used to play pretend games with my best friend, and more often than not, I'd opt to play a male role, whether it be acting as the brother or boyfriend when playing house, or roleplaying as Harry Potter when reenacting the best parts of the books. Even when alone, I sometimes pretended I was a male adventurer and ran around the yard and woods, though at the time I didn't even think of it as anything other than normal. "

    I was also homeschooled (until 6th grade), and thought it was normal to pretend to be a boy. I thought everybody really loved to play the boyfriend in pretend games. I thought everybody had secret longings for a completely flat chest. Part of me thought I was crazy, part of me thought I was insane.

    I still am not certain what I am, either trans or genderfluid probably. I'm okay with "trans" right now, but I have times where it doesn't bother me to be seen as a girl.

    I really just feel like me most of the time though.
     
  8. Maxey

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    Wow. It's really reassuring to find people who have had similar experiences and are going through similar things to me.

    I'm so glad to have found this site and be talking to people who know what this is like. Wow.
     
  9. Yesnomaybe

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    There's many more people with similar experiences!! You aren't alone, especially not here lol ^_^
     
  10. Matto_Corvo

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    Hello there ^_^
    Might I say I too finally decided to talk my gender identity more seriously (instead of pushing it away) after I started cosplaying as well. And sorry if this response is long.

    The only chance I got to hang out with other kids growing up was when I was at school or daycare. Unless my dad didn't seem keen on the idea of me having friends at all. I wasn't allowed to use computers, play video games, or telephones. Through out my life he was always quick to say "girls do not act like that" or "boys like girls who..." Just pretty much instructing me on how girls should be have. So I guess you could say I was condition to act and think of things and myself in a certain way. My boyish nature was frowned upon and had to be suppressed till I moved in with my mom when I was 13.

    The first time I stopped to think about my gender I was 14 and I had just learned about transgender-ism. As cliched as it sounds, I heard a FtM's story and something just clicked. It was like some part of me that I had ignored for so long was suddenly shoving my mind and yelling "take heed of this." and I remember I just sat there thinking "C-Could I be a boy?" It would explain so much about how I felt and acted through my childhood. But then I really started to think about what the person said, about how they felt about their body. Did I hate my body? Did looking at it in the mirror make me feel suicidal like the person said theirs did? Certainly I didn't love my body. Growing breast was the most distressful thing for me. I hated them so much. But besides that did I really have any other complaints? I was fat, but I hardly thought that counted. I was always apathetic about what was going on in my pants, so long as I could pee it had never mattered to me. On these terms I decided that I was crazy and that I was indeed a girl, but I never shook the feeling that I wasn't. Thought of myself as female because that was what I was raised to be, but if I had been honest with myself I can not remember a single time that I ever felt like I was even 15% female. Perhaps there was a bit of one floating around, but she was so small she barely registered.
    Then a few months ago I went to an anime convention and cosplayed as a dude. I liked it, loved it in fact. I realized that I wanted to dress as boys all the time. I wanted to be a boy, I felt like a boy again after a long time of trying to force myself in being a girl. I was so excited. I didn't realize that was what it was at first though. I thought that had losing weight was what caused me to like myself. I was so sure of that that I put on a dress my friend had for another cosplay (first time wearing a dress since I was 10), thinking that I would actually like that as well. I didn't. I hated it as much as I always did. When it did click I started taking a more in depth look as to what it meant to be transgender.
    I'm not sure if I am genderfluid, bi(or tri)-gender, or androgynous. I have to admit I love feeling and looking like a dude. Makes me feel giddy, but I don't feel 100% like a boy. If I had to make a rough estimate using percentages I would say that I feel 50% agender, 45% effeminate male, and 5% somewhere female or something else. It's confusing and half the time I wonder if I am crazy.
    I never cared that I was called female pronouns, it is how people see me. For a while I didn't care that people saw me as female, but now that I am questioning my gender I get mixed feelings. I kinda of feel disappointed when I look and the mirror and see a female, but I am happy when I see a boyish person. There are days that I feel like I must be faking everything and it freaks me out, and I wonder if I am crazy.
    And this probably isn't helpful at all I am sorry ;-;
     
  11. Maxey

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    No, it is helpful! I love hearing other stories and just talking to people on here. Even if our story isn't exactly the same as mine, it's nice to hear!

    I think I'm going to try Cosplaying as a boy at some point and see how it feels. From what you've said and what I already know about myself I feel like that might be a good next step.