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Fear being old

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by terrified, Apr 12, 2015.

  1. terrified

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    I think most people if they are honest worry about getting older, and as someone in my 20s I am very afraid of what my life will be like once I have reached middle age.
    I always think being gay/bi and old is worse and more difficult than being straight and old.
    The gay/bi world is definitely a young man's world, so-to-speak, it's all about being young and beautiful.
    I dread to think of the constant rejection that I will face by young, beautiful guys (I'm not myself attracted to older guys usually, so it'll be the younger ones that I go after) and even abuse (the older gay/bi guy is often considered a "dirty old pervert" for some reason, especially when he is single and seeks "fun"). I always imagine that being gay/bi and over 40 is most often than not a rather lonely life, constantly dealing with the painful upset that comes with not being wanted and being constantly ignored and rejected, because you are middle-aged and no longer have your attractive looks that you did when you were young; having to resort to paying rent boys for sex and then when really old and cannot get an erection, paying them just for their company.
    The loneliness that seems to come for the older gay/bi single guy is what I fear the most, as the youthful beauty fades and age begins to show, it'll be harder and harder not only to find sexual partners and to enjoy that aspect of life, but also much more difficult to find possible very special friends/love.
    Can any old(er) guys confirm if this kind of life is how it turns out for most gay/bi guys in the end? Lonely, sad, depraved? I am sorry but that is how the youth-focused "gay community" tries to paint guys older guys.
     
  2. Ditz

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    Holy shit you make it sound like an impeding death sentence! Seriously, that outlook is enough to send anyone over a cliff into some mind numbing dark depression.

    Fortunately, none of your worries are fact but rather perception and that perception is based on the few sad cases out there which can be explained but is hardly the state of the vast majority of Gay people and for that matter Straight people... We all get older, it's a fact of life.

    Whether you are straight, gay, bi, trans or any other flavour in our multicolored rainbow of sexual orientations, your outlook on life changes as you grow older and mature. So what you find attractive right now as a 20 year old will be difarent when you are 30, 40, 50, 60 and older. As you change, you start identifying with what you become, your reality, your identity. That's why our grand parents can still be in love and still find each other attractive when they are old and grey. When you are 20 you probably like guys in their 20ties, when you're 30, you'll notice that you'd probably also like guys in their 30ties and so it goes as you become older, your age range becomes older.

    What dreams do you have for your future? Is it to be single all your life jumping from one bed to another, or is it to find a soul mate to spend your life with? I guess you get guys who like to trade in their boyfriends or girlfriends for newer models all the time, but they live superficial lives and are generally very unhappy. And that is really what it all boils down to in the end, Love versus Lust. Are you pursuing a relationship or a fling? If it is a meaningful relationship, a soul mate to spend your life with then trust me, getting older together will not matter in the least.

    We live in a very difarent society than 10 or 20 years ago. In the past, being gay was ridiculed a lot more than it is now. In a lot of countries we can now get married, have families and live normal lives like everyone else. That was not the case 10 years ago. We have a lot to look forward to.

    The creepy guys you mentioned in your post are guys who most likely had to hide their sexuality most of their lives. So for them, there was no real way to experience a true normal relationship with someone else of the same sex. Then, when they're older and realising that their lives are passing them by they come out and try to play catch up, and so they want the things that they feel they missed out on in their youth, and I guess that includes young hot guys. Remember they never had the chance to grow into it like we do and so they have a skewed perspective. It is certainly not true for everyone but unfortunately for others it's a very real sad part of their lives.

    I really think you're worrying about something that you shouldn't be worrying about. You are in the prime of your life right now and unlike past generations, you can live that prime in full.

    Find your soul mate!!!
     
    #2 Ditz, Apr 12, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2015
  3. greatwhale

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    Two thoughts upon reading this:

    1) I read somewhere that worry is a misuse of the imagination, use your imagination for more effective things.

    2) The older I get the more I realize that the task of life is to transform youthful physical beauty into the beauty of a life well-lived. A life free of worry is a life well-lived.
     
  4. Weston

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    lol
     
  5. mnguy

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    I was thinking the same as the first reply that being old and lonely isn't exclusive to gay people. Maybe it was more so when people couldn't/wouldn't come out but now it has to be easier for young people to figure out they're gay, know lots of people who accept GLBT people and date and get married just like their straight peers. Seems like it's no big deal anymore which is great so your life can be just as happy or sad as anyone's. Good luck!
     
  6. Gandee

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    Too much irony :lol::eusa_clap
     
  7. user199

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    there are so many straight folks who end up lonely and depressed..
    its not about your sexual orientation but your attitude towards life which makes the difference...reason all the more to accept the way you are...
    if you relate being gay just to having hookups or looking for a relationship you are on your way to towards a lonely depressed life..being gay is just part of you not all of you.. peace and happiness lies in the here and now and all this wishful thinking is root of all our sorrows...
     
    #7 user199, Apr 12, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2015
  8. cognito

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    My experience is that young people are often narcisistic, think that they look wonderful & just go on the willy factor.
    The fact is that even though they think they know it all about life that they don't.
    I've been told that once a guy hits 30 he is considered old in the gay community. Personally I prefer guys over 30.
     
  9. Gymskirtboy

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    Just keep yourself in good shape. Theres a huge number of older guys out there who are good looking and are up for fun and games as well as deep meaningful relationships. When you get to middle age you'll find these guys as attractive to the ones of your age are now. You have to remember that when our generation was young it was not so acceptable to be gay and open like it is now in the western world so not as many of us are at ease being so open about our sexuality.
     
  10. vamonos

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    This is a huge problem for me. This destroys your self-esteem. Why should we be made to feel like perverts? You can't make yourself straight if you wanted to.

    I try to be out as much as possible. I still feel terrible about it. I have opposite sex friends and I can't have sex with them. I feel robbed.
     
  11. Electra

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    "terrified' (odd name?) - don't know how old you are or where you live? But if you are in your 20s and live in a liberal western society and if you are already 'out' and celebrate who you are …then you do not need to worry about sad and lonely when you are older any more than anyone else - straight, gay, bi, male or female. The massive change in Western society that has happened in the last 10 years or so and continues to happen means that it will not be your sexuality that decides of you enter middle age sad, lonely and depressed because increasingly being gay or bi or curious is just accepted as part of the spectrum of being human. Live life. Live now...
     
  12. OGS

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    I was going to say that I sort of look forward to growing old and gay, but then I reread your post and realized that by your definition I already am.:lol:

    Being young and gay was fun and being old and gay is fun too, just in a different way. I would love to have the kind of energy I did then but with the frame of mind I do now, but few people, gay or straight, get that. I find that the sort of frantic grasping that characterizes youth gradually gives way to a sort of serenity which I find deeply appealing. Don't get me wrong, all that frantic grasping was great too and I'm glad I have my stories of "back in the day" (there are some doozies, a lot of them actually) and I'm probably a bit more nostalgic than the average forty-three year old. But I enjoy the nostalgia. For me it's not about what has passed but about all the amazing things that were and how they dovetail into the amazing things that are now.

    As for what it's like now--my partner of 18 years and I still go out to the bars and clubs and the like but not as frequently and when we do we set a more sedate pace. Our circle of friends has only grown over the years and while I can objectively see that I'm not quite the stunner I once was I honestly feel that I have more to offer than I ever did back then.

    As far as getting what I would consider old, I look forward to that too--I picture endless brunches with friends, walks on the beach, maybe I'll get more serious about herb gardening, travel a bit more and as far as the sex part from what I've seen of my older gay friends, as long as the attitude is right and you cultivate a truly interesting life, well, there's always men...

    Live every stage of life to the fullest and the next one will always be alright...
     
  13. Gymskirtboy

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    I feel for you. I spent 36 years pretending to be somebody I'm not because of the attitude of "straight" people. To say I'm just a bit angry would put it mildly. NOw I just want somebody to have a stable loving relationship and I no longer care about what others think. They can all go to hell!
     
  14. Jellal

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    I do fear growing old.

    I think the only think that will keep me young is if I constantly wear a pair of radical Kamina shades.
     
  15. SimpleMan

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    I am about to pass through the Veiled Arch of my 30th birthday through which not 20-something gay man can pass without suffering instant social death. :eek:


    In all seriousness, there are advantages and disadvantages to every stage of life. If you only focus on the things you think you've lost or you fear you are going to lose, it's going to be impossible to really appreciate the things you gain. And why would you want anyone in your life who can only appreciate one ephemeral aspect of who you are? Surround yourself with people who bring light into your life and walk away from those who only seek to bring darkness.
     
  16. scub

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    lots of stereotyping i see, and you sound really insecure.

    So what is different from being straight and old and gay and old?
    if your straight and old, you still think a 60 yr old gizzard is going to be sweeping up 20 yr old girls?

    there are plenty of younger guys that prefer more mature (and generally more reliable) older men for relationships. i consider myself bixsexual, in my 30s and get hit on by tons of younger men. age is only a number and if you judge people based on age then i feel bad for you!

    do you plan to life your live by constantly jumping from guy to guy, trying to stay forever young and sweeping up every 20 yr old you find?..
    or being where most people would prefer being in life- in a loving happy relationship with one person for many years..

    being Brian from Queer as Folk gets old real fast..
     
  17. Damien

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    I am one of those 40+ guys you speak of. Sure, it's pretty tough getting ignored by most beautiful guys. But life goes on. When you finally hit mid-life, you will adapt. Either that, or perish, so I choose 'adapt'. Anyway, who says that guys in their thirties can't be cute as well, or even in their forties? Some folks look younger than their age, you know.
     
  18. FreedMan

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    Dear Terrified,
    Welcome to mortality. It's full of surprises. Guaranteed.
     
  19. Damien

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    Back when I was in my twenties, I felt officially 'young' and thirty was a long way off. I felt comforted by that. Then one day, I turned thirty. At the time I was too busy changing nappies and helping out my now ex, to really mourn the 'loss' of my 'youth'. Anyway, somehow life seemed to go on. Then, as my thirties progressed, I consoled myself that "well, I'm in my thirties now, but at least I'm not forty - ugh, now being forty is when you really start to get old!". Then, one fateful day, I turned 40, and although the sky didn't fall in on me, it did seem to wobble a little. I'm now 46, and in a few years, I will turn 50. Oh my god...50. Should I just end my life now, and avoid this? I am sure that this time, surely, the sky really will fall down on me. The clouds will turn red, blood will pour down from the sky, and destruction will ensue. It's terrifying. What a difference a few digits, based upon our decimal number system, can make.
     
    #19 Damien, Apr 17, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2015
  20. arturoenrico

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    What did my beloved Bette Davis say,"Old age ain't no place for sissies"

    Faust sold his soul to Mephistopheles, the devil, to regain his youth, but then was dragged down to hell after only a brief affair with his beloved...

    I fear old age every day. I revere youth and wish so much to be back in my twenties. It's a sad business for me.