Mid 20's, fell for a girl, now life's upside down - can't stop analyzing-- would appr

Hey there,

Having jelly fingers as I write this, probably because I never thought I'd be going to an online forum to talk about something so big. Anywho, my story (gonna try not to write a book):

So, being straight or gay or whatever was never a question in my mind up until I was 25. I experimented with a friend when I was a teen, but didn't and still don't chalk it up to anything more than she was my best friend. I didn't feel anything crazy. No punch to the stomach like, "I NEED MORE OF THIS." I enjoyed having things done to me, but wasn't super into doing anything to her (poor her), and it felt slightly mechanical/meaningless. She was my first sexual experience, in terms of actually reaching the big O. But I never considered things with her to be anymore than experimentation/her being my best friend and being so nice as to give me an O. I was always into guys, looking at guys, thinking guys were hot, and dating guys. My three most significant relationships-all with men-were long distance. My first was when I was 12. I don't refer to this as a real relationship because I met him online and we never met, but I wanted him/longed for him. I had sex with a guy at 14, mostly just so I could say I lost the V-card, but I was also attracted to him and loved making out with him. The sex wasn't good, but we were young. My second relationship was like my first puppy-love. We saw each other, but again, it was long distance, so not very often. Third relationship, 17, long distance again, wasn't very attracted to him but really liked his personality and felt emotionally connected to him, like I could tell him anything. Half way through I started getting bored/felt unfulfilled, and we had a pretty bad break up. In between these things, there was kissing of guys, and girls (usually only to be stupid--didn't feel anything crazy with it), and boy crushes. My last relationship ended at 20, and I decided to focus on school and myself before I went into another relationship because I felt like I was choosing the wrong people.

Five years later, no dating, no nothing with guys at all (and fine about it). Then comes my senior year of university. I start working on a project with a girl in one of my classes. She was gorgeous; androgynous. I was in that class with her for months, but only really noticed her when we started talking one day about the project. I didn't know what I was feeling right at the moment, but I'm pretty sure I quickly became completely enamored by her: her hair, her eyes, her skin, her teeth, her laugh -- everything about her was absolutely gorgeous to me. She started telling me a story about some girl liking her, and I asked if she was a lesbian--and inside my head, was hoping she was going to say yes (which made me be like, "wtf do you want her to be a lesbian?"), she told me she's pan. Anyway, I chalk everything up to being happy about having a cool new friend that seems interesting/someone I definitely wanted to add to my tribe of friends, especially because we seem to click right off the bat, but then things started to get interesting. We went to this thing after class, and because we were both a little anxious about it, she did this thing to calm us down. I can't explain it in writing, but I thought it was so adorable. Then we met outside of class to do something with the project and she wore a button down with a tie, I was intrigued, and thought to myself, "maybe I want to dress like that, or wow, she's so modernly fashionable that I just can't stop staring at her!" Then I couldn't stop thinking about her. There was just this thing about her that I couldn't stop with, and I started wondering why I was thinking about her so much. Then, we meet outside of class again for the project -- I'm watching her work on it, and my stomach is doing flip flops. I'm thinking she looks insanely sexy and am feeling hazy and turned on just looking at her. I put my hand on her at one point and the moment felt so intense - like I was on E and could feel everything or something. So I go home, and I'm thinking to myself, "do you have a CRUSH on her????" I felt completely insane and my brain for the next few days was something like:

How could I have a crush on a girl? That's not right. Not normal. This is weird. Hmm, maybe it's because she kind of looks like a boy, but she also looks like a girl. Maybe I'm misconstruing feelings of friendship right now? Maybe I'm just REALLY excited to have a new friend. Maybe she's just oozing sexuality because she's so hot that I'm picking it up somehow. I mean, a hot girl is a hot girl that everyone notices. Blah blah blah blah blah...

Finally, I realize, I think I do have a crush on her, and reluctantly accept this about myself by thinking it's because she's so boy-ish looking. I tell one of my friends (because I was going crazy) who is accepting, but also thinks I'm just going into something that seems "taboo" and "exciting," to which I get slightly offended. Then, I tell my best friend, in such a dramatic way that she thought I was about to say I had cancer with only a short time to live. She's completely accepting and has been my life-line through the entire thing. As not to make this an insanely long story, this girl that I'm oddly crushing on starts to act like she's liking me too. We start flirting. Things get really intense at points, where I think we're going to kiss. We'd end up being very cuddly together while watching movies/holding hands while being out. She'd send me a picture every time she wore a button down because, I was trying to hint that I thought it was hot when girls wore that. I wanted to pounce on her. Thinking about being with her sexually made me crazy and more excited than anything. I wanted her so bad, to the point that I wanted to do things to her, whereas when I did fantasize about women before, it was all them doing things to me. I've never felt like that towards ANYONE. Never even that enthused by a guy (maybe once). We went on this almost year long binge-spree of inadvertently and artfully flirting with each other without ever acknowledging that we were indeed flirting very hard with each other or might like each other. She would say things that sounded like we were going to be together, which I wanted so badly. It was the most confusing time of my life, because I always thought something was going to happen, and then she'd pull away, and come back, and pull away, and nothing ever went anywhere. After that year, I couldn't take the "friendship" anymore because my feelings were too intense, so I divulged my them in an email. Whoops, bad, devastating move. Tells me she doesn't have feelings for me like that -- so, she was fucking with me the whole time. I have many a gay friend, and for that reason, I can say, who would have thought the lesbian would fuck with the straight girl and make her fall in love? Isn't it usually the other way around? After the email, we tried to be friends, but ultimately whatever we previously had didn't live through it.

So now it's a few months later, and I'm still thinking about her constantly/am sad and confused about nothing ever coming out of it--worst of all, I'm having the constant, "dude, are you gay?" debate with myself. Through my whole thing with her, I went into my past for indications of being gay. The whole, all-the-time-long-distance relationships rung a bell, the always looking at girls' bodies (which I told myself sometimes was me comparing and wishing I had their body), the not being able to fully click with guys, being very picky about them as I got older, having a general disinterest other than thinking some were hot/wanting sex, it being over five years since being in a relationship with a guy. I don't know, but it just felt like some things were starting to add up. I felt like I had everything aligned with her: attraction/emotional connection. She made sense to me, as though she had everything I needed or wanted, because she was beautiful, masculine, feminine, and smart. I mean, I never questioned (in a way like this) if I was gay, but I thought she was so amazing that I was willing to see where it went. Now that things have ended with her, I still look at women, but it's only ones that look like her. If it helps, like a Ruby Rose type: feminine but androgynous. And now I wonder if that is actually what I like, or I'm just constantly looking for another her. It feels right and wrong to me at the same time. I can see it, see that life, but socially is freaks me out. I feel like that might be the only thing that scares me about it, "what would people think? what would it look like to marry a girl/grow old and have children and grandchildren with some girl? I was always with guys, who's NOT going to think I'm a freak?" But when I was in whatever I was with her, I pictured everything with her, and I thought that because I'd never felt that way about anyone, especially another female, that she was my soul mate and we were just meant to be. So now I'm crazy confused. No her, but I still have these feelings/still am looking at that type of female (which there doesn't seem to be much of, btw).

Some questions I have. If I am a lesbian, is it normal to just realize it at 25 because of some girl? Can I be a "lesbian" if I only find androgynous (and definitely not all) women attractive? Can I be a lesbian if I'm not attracted to very butch/masculine lesbians, and not always very feminine? Is it normal to just have one type?? Can I be a lesbian if I still find men attractive, even though I'm more interested in women now--women as in finding my Ruby Rose--and that's about it? Can I be a lesbian if I've never felt this way about any girl before her? Can I be a lesbian if I've never had passionate, I-want-to-do-this-to-you, sex with a female?

I feel like I am, but then I get upset thinking about it. I almost feel like if I was to be with a guy now, this questioning would be an exhausting waste of time, and I'd be like, really? you're with a guy?

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for out of this post... I guess I just need some advice. I'd really love someone to be able to diagnose my lesbianism as real or not just by this story (lol). I just can't stop analyzing and wanting to know what I am because these thoughts consume most of my time and it's driving me insane!

 

Re: Mid 20's, fell for a girl, now life's upside down - can't stop analyzing-- would

Thanks for the answers, guys. Not the diagnosis I was looking for, haha, but yeah. I know that the "type" thing sounded kind of dumb, besides writing that in an emotionally drunk state, I think I just feel as if, if I'm into girls, wouldn't more than one type be attractive to me? However, when I really think about it, there is more than one type. This is just a hard time for me. I want to tell my mom but am freaked out to. I don't think she'd disown me or anything -- lucky enough to be, sometimes literally, smothered in love by her. But there's a part of me that fears what she and family will think of me if I am indeed going to end up with a woman someday (sounds weird to me).

And @lifesbegun -- I understand the not being into labels. I actually can't even wrap my head around saying "I'm gay." I feel like I don't understand what it means because it seems like it's supposed to mean something, but all I feel like is myself...who happens to find hot, hipster girls attractive.

---------- Post added 12th Apr 2015 at 08:08 AM ----------

@starlights thanks for your note. That's what I thought at first, that she was just scared, even though she was, seemingly, very out of the closet. So I was really respectful of her feelings by waiting for her to make a move or say something to me, and then ultimately, being the one who put it out there for both our sakes. In the end, and I sort of felt it in the midst, I really do think she was playing games and that I was an ego trip for her. I later found out that it was her reputation in the lesbian community on campus, and because I liked her so much, I still felt like she was just scared of who she really was even though she seemed to be completely fine with it. Who knows, maybe I'll be thankful to her someday. I hope I can stop giving myself a hard time as well. And of course you can have a family and kids someday!

 

Re: Mid 20's, fell for a girl, now life's upside down - can't stop analyzing-- would

@starlight -- Yeah, I believe she did know what she was doing. She definitely had some issues. Talked about sex a lot, but never had any. Seemed to like both sexes a lot, or at least like attention from/screw with them. A lot of weird stuff. It was strange to be liking and around someone who seemed so confident with them self and out and sexual when, being the scared little questioning girl, I was more experienced sexually with both genders. I try not to think about her anymore because it's hard, but, well, it's hard. A lot of the time, I feel like that specific thing will never happen again. Those same crazy feelings, and the fun flirting/very natural and gradual seeming to like each other and get closer, which scares me. It's like now that I've had those heightened, specific feelings, I can't let myself settle for anything less. So thinking it won't happen again because it was so random makes me nervous/sad. Either way. It's strange that she was the first person I ever felt so intensely about, even though I'd been in very long term relationships and whatnot. I guess she's an unrequited love, in a way...that word makes me nauseous.

Yeah, no. I'm one for the lesbian specific bar or club scene. I'm not really the type to go out looking for a relationship, which is how it's always been, even with a guy. I'm not an online dating type of person...nothing like that. I really hope something natural just happens, like some cute Barnes & Noble meet, or through friends. Two of my friends who are lesbian, and with each other, are constantly trying to push me into that scene, bars and clubs, but I'm really just not that type of person. Not a cat lady, but I wouldn't go to a gay club looking for someone. Or a straight club looking for someone. Also, I'm allergic to cats...lesbian with cat allergies...maybe that's a sign that I'm not, because isn't that against standard? :lol:

And yeah, my mom is awesome, but I haven't told her yet. We'll see what happens. I feel like I shouldn't say anything until I've been with a girl and know that it's what I want. But who knows, I might say something sooner. Hoping her reaction will be good, or at least fine.