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Does the shame ever go away 100%?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by ilovesg, Apr 9, 2015.

  1. ilovesg

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    Everytime I'm in class and the teacher says "when you get married and have kids..." I feel so out of place. Nobody really knows I'm gay at school, not because it's a secret, but because I "look straight." I feel so weird and like I don't belong. It makes me sad that I'll never have a normal life like everyone else. I feel distant from people because they don't know and they talk about their boyfriends and I just sit there and don't say anything. I wish I didn't hate it but sometimes I do. It's such a small thing but it still bothers me. My teacher talks about how things will be and were older and I just know that will never be true for me. I guess I still have a lot of internalized homophobia that never completely went away like I thought it did. :frowning2:
     
  2. mapleluv

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    I used to feel this way too until I realized that yes, I can have a "normal" life. I will get married, I will have children- it'll just be with a woman.

    And I found that being open about your sexuality makes a lot of those feelings of loneliness go away. I used to feel so isolated, listening to all my friends talk about their crushes or boyfriends or that hot guy over there or whatever. But once I came out of the closet, I could talk about the people I liked too, I could participate. And that felt really, really good.
     
  3. DefeatedSigh

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    What you said, that's basically exactly what I feel.

    I would say more, but no one deserves to be bothered with my problems.
     
  4. ilovesg

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    I want to be bothered with your problems lol especially since we're going through similar things. you can message me if you want :slight_smile:
     
  5. Maddy

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    I would say that yes, for me, there is no shame in my sexuality. I've gotten involved with queer activism and the community, and I see nothing shameful in the passionate, powerful work that people do to help others feel accepted and loved, or the strength people find to live their lives authentically even when others try to break them down for it. There's nothing shameful about the fact that I love women.
     
  6. ilovesg

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    How do you come out when people assume you're straight? No one ever asks me if I'm gay because they don't think I am. One of my friends asked me if I liked anybody and I panicked and said no. I though I was prepared to tell people but I guess I'm not
     
  7. Maddy

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    I tell people when they ask me, mention it when it's relevant, and don't really care if some people think I'm straight. I can do that, because I've been out for many years. If you're not ready to come out, you don't have to. The right time to come out, I think, is when the stress of being closeted starts to outweigh the fear of coming out.
     
  8. mapleluv

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    Yup, situations like that one is pretty much how coming out works. People don't ask if you're gay, it just comes up in the course of normal conversation. If you casually mention it like it's no big deal, other people will follow your lead. It's definitely weird & uncomfortable at first to talk about your sexual orientation out loud, but it becomes natural after you do it enough times.
     
  9. sappho06

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    People assume everyone is straight. Hell, people though I was straight and I thought it was pretty obvious that I wasn't. Tell your closest friends first, and the rest'll follow. :slight_smile:
    Even though I'm out, I still get annoyed at the girls talking about hot guys and crushes. :grin: And your teacher sounds stupid btw. My spanish teacher got us to do "speed dating" in class and she said boys with girls, but we were one guy short so she got me to pretend to be a guy. Awkward as hell, and I wanted to yell at her.
    Haha I'm sorry I just went on a little rant. :grin: Back to the point, you can still have a "normal" life. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  10. jema

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    That feeling will go away. Trust me. I use to feel awkward as fuck when people asked em if I had a boyfriend, or if I will ever have kids and what not. Then I started not giving a fuck about what others said.
     
  11. Emily1

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    I feel the exact same way! The other day I was talking to a friend about taxes and RRSPs and how we both had no clue about either of those things, anyways, she says "don't worry, your husband will take care of all that for you." My heart sank a little. I so badly wanted to say, actually, I won't have a husband, I'll have a wife. I'm afraid that if I casually mention that I'm gay in a conversation (like the one above), the other person will be taken aback and be unsure of how to respond.
     
  12. ellyy

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    Of course shame can go away, but you have to work on it as well.

    I can very much relate to you, though. Now, I've never had any teachers talk like yours do but my female friends talk about guys and sex (with guys) every single time we hang out, and just like you I just sit there and say nothing. It definitely makes me feel very different and ashamed.
     
  13. BonnieJ2604

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    (*hug*):dry:I feel like this all the time. Even though I am pansexual I am dating a transman who will never be able to procreate which is ok with me but when people bring it up I believe that I don't deserve to have an opinion on the topic. I love this guy to pieces and he is worth the "what am I good for" feeling.