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Still questioning if I'm a lesbian, but I really love my boyfriend

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by grannysmith, Apr 8, 2015.

  1. grannysmith

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    Hello,

    For starters, I apologise for my English, because I will make some mistakes :grin:
    I am a new member hoping to get some advise from this site!
    The title reveals a lot: from the moment I could think I allready thought that I was a lesbian, because I always busted myself watching breasts and not really looked at boys. It was when I was around 11 that I first noticed myself feeling serious things for this girl-FRIEND who claimed to not be lesbian or anything, yet had to hug me, kiss me on the cheek and caress me and stuff like that. (I'm going to be very detailed about my physical experiences, to get an exact answer hopefully!:***:slight_smile: I started to really treasure her. It was not like I wanted to do lots of stuff with her allready, but every time she would give me these very gentle massages that are allmost tickling I got these elektrical feelings that most likely would refer to ''butterflys'' or ''sparkles''. Moving on: nothing ever happened and I was left with my broken heart while she went crazy on lots of guys.
    I was left with these awful doubts about my sexuality. BUT: I did look at other guys.
    When they looked at me or anything I did go in blush-mode.:icon_redf
    I did start to think I was a full lesbian. Not only did I not want to be that because it seems to not be completely accepted. It also still feels like a sad thing just in my gut-feeling. (is that a word?)
    I hoped there would be this prince that would save me from this feelings I had of being lesbian. And wel I got what I wished for: this beautiful guy was playing the bass guitar on the stage and we had so many things in common. When it turned out he was my childhood friend from 10 years ago it looked to perfect to be real. Everything was perfect and when I was 16 I received my very first kiss from him(!). As happy as I was I unfortuonately did not feel these elektrical feelings trough my body. I did feel my heart rate going up and being very excited about the moment. But at least up until now (4 years together) I just never felt the feelings I expect to have, when I listen to others or watch the movies. It's not like I'm in heaving in my head. I am an overthinker, but I'm not supposed to be able to think about groceries while doing it when he is the one right!?
    I can't say there is nothing to guys for me. I do think they are beautiful and I actually would not want to be with a woman for the rest of my life, but I can't supress these feelings of being lesbian. Or at least: not having these sparkles for my boyfriend.
    I hope my story makes sense, but I just don't want to lose him over these feelings.
    Even though I don't know what to do with them, because I should not ignore my sexual orientation :icon_sad: Can anyone whos capable of following me help me out?

    xxxxxx
     
  2. Weregild

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    Welcome to EC :slight_smile:

    You seem attracted to both men women, at least romantically. Have you ever considered the possibility of being a bisexual?
     
  3. Kyro

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    It sounds like you could be lesbian and biromantic. If you get feelings for both sexes than you are probably bisexual or biromantic. But if you only get turned on by women then you could be lesbian, as in sexually attracted to women only, but still be biromantic and get feelings for men. It could just be bisexuality but with a preference for women, alot of women are bisexual with a certain preference of gender. Time and thinking will really give you your answer but in my opinion you sound like you could be bisexual with a preference for women mostly. Hoped I helped! :thumbsup:
     
  4. Asexual Pirate

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    It sounds like you might be biromantic to me since you express romantic inclinations towards both men and women. I totally get you on not being sexually attracted to your boyfriend but still loving him (that's pretty much me and my boyfriend).

    No one can tell you for certain what sexual or romantic orientation you are, this is something that you decide for yourself. But we can help along the way. Welcome to EC, I hope you find the advice you are looking for!
     
  5. perardua

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    Hey :slight_smile: I'm new to this website, but can relate a lot to what you have said about your sexuality (minus the boyfriend). So feel free to scrap my advice, I'm not great at it :/

    I totally feel you when you say, 'is not having those butterfly feelings going to be ok long term or will it lead to long term dissatisfaction (might lead to potentially resenting the boyfriend)?' I don't mean to say all that negative stuff could happen, from what you say it sounds like there's a lot of great stuff in your relationship, yay! Whatever you decide is right for you, I hope you realise that suppressing (or pretending like these feelings don't happen- cause they will probably happen again) your lesbian 'feelings' will be frustrating. Not saying you should break up with you boyfriend! Could there be any chance you could tell your boyfriend you like girls? That might sound strange, but it's a part of you, so let it come to the surface (even just) a little? Whatever label you like to put on your sexuality and attractions is really up to you (yay) and doesn't mean ending your heterosexual relationship is necessary either. Wish you well :slight_smile:
     
  6. grannysmith

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    Dear Kyro,
    Thank you for responding. I never heard of biromantic. Perhaps things will be more logic keeping that in mind. However I still don't know what to do. I'm not the person that fools around, but I do feel like my boyfriend needs to know what I want to do (I told him and now we are having a break some sort of...). How can I know for sure what I prefer or missing out on without having to experiment? It's just not fair. Neither for me or my bf... But I do love him.. so much... It's making me cry for so many days allready..
     
  7. MyFlowerKing

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    There's a seperation of romantic and sexual attraction. It sounds like you're biromantic to me, or possibly demiromantic, which means you're romantically attracted to those you are close to. Even if you were one of those, you could still be homosexual(or bisexual, since you did say you noticed boys, but maybe you like girls better). :slight_smile: hope i helped at least a little
     
  8. BonnieJ2604

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    Hello,
    I myself am pansexual/panromantic and had a large questioning period when I first started year 7, in Australia. There was this stunning girl in my class who was always really sweet to me and she has the most adorable voice. She would always "accidentally" bump me and always got me to tie up the back of her swimmers in Swim Class even though we weren't close friends. I soon realised that she was so open like this with me because she was so comfortable with her body and is in fact straight. She is still my friend but I was very heartbroken at the time because I honestly believed that she may have been lesbian. I feel like I relate to you in this, maybe not on the exact level but certainly to a large percentage.
    You say you love your boyfriend but on what level, friendship or romantically. You said you weren't sexually interested in him. You may be biromantic/homosexual. But really is it that necessary to label ourselves. A label is not necessary if you are not completely sure. Just be what you want and love who you love. But biromantic/homosexual may be the label for you if you find one necessary.
    Best Wishes
    -Bonnie<3
     
    #8 BonnieJ2604, Apr 12, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2015
  9. grannysmith

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    Dear Bonnie,

    Thank you. It does give peace... loving who I want to love.
    Nevertheless I do feel like I don't have the right to be with him because of these feelings.
    today is day 2 of our break. I actually told my parents about it. They completely accept me (!). But I'm not the kind of person who now will totally go for it and kiss some girls... even though I really should on the long term, because these doubts have taken way to much time. But I actually do feel great about it. My friends and my family at least accept me, no matter what. The only challenge is for myself to accept it (if I am lesbian ofcourse but it seems like it)
    I really was obsessed with the tought of having to know what I am. I wanted my label.
    But knowing it won't change the way people who I love think about me really takes the pressure away.
    For now I postponed our plans to live together. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring around that topic. Even tough it only has been 2 days I really feel a part of me coming back from the time when I was single (4 years back in time). Perhaps not being each other types really does something as well... Even tough I'm naïef I still have dreams like going to great festivals, traveling around the world. I come had a very free youth. He has this very very protecting family with mother issues (can't let go, both sides). He wants to stay in The Netherlands, does not really like festivals or such things... I do respect his choice in life but meanwhile I feel a bit like a bird in a cage (not that I'm such a adventure-person, but my dreams are allready now restricted it seems).

    There is this one guy I liked before my bf. He's actually one of my reasons why I don't get why I'm not a complete lesbian. after 4 years being with my bf I still dream of him. He happens to be a brother of a (girl)friend of mine so sometimes i see him. Honestly: my heart does skip a beat and i do get all excited about him. Even though it's very different with women. I don't have any experience with woman, but with them it's more about this warm feeling. The treasuring and the cuddles and more foreplay. With this guy it's more like some sort of naughty excitement. I really do think women will bring me more then I can imagine from this distance, but keep on having this dreams about this guy makes it even more complicated... :bang:

    But at least now... it does not matter what wil happen. It can only get better. :icon_bigg