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I'm about to have coffee with a guy

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by confusedchris, Apr 7, 2015.

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  1. confusedchris

    confusedchris
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    Hi,

    I need some advice. Throughout my life, I've always been attracted to both men and women, but I had more affection for men than women. Now, after getting to know someone on an online dating website, I'm about to have coffee with a great guy. I'm just anxious. It still doesn't feel right that I'm doing this, and I flip-flop on this all the time. I think I'm actually losing sleep over whether or not I am gay or not, but over the past three or four years, I have had little attraction for women and more for men. There was this one girl, but I realized afterwards that I made myself believe that I was attracted to her. I forced myself to ask her out, and we haven't spoken since.

    What's your advice with getting to know him with coffee? I've never done anything like this before, male or female. Being gay is making me even more nervous.
     
    #1 confusedchris, Apr 7, 2015
  2. bookworm1986

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    Ask his interest, how his job is going. Simple little questions can lead to bigger discussions and you'll learn more about each other. Nervous are always there, just be yourself and the rest will come naturally. Good luck and have fun.
     
    #2 bookworm1986, Apr 7, 2015
  3. user123456

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    The most important thing is - be yourself. Don't try to brag, don't pressure yourself to make yourself seem "better".

    Try and be confident, relaxed and just act like you normally do. You can even tell him when you meet that you are nervous about this, I'm sure he will understand, and he will appreciate your honesty :slight_smile:
     
    #3 user123456, Apr 8, 2015
  4. resu

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    Just talk about what you want to talk about, especially if you find some shared interest. It's often useful to ask questions so you don't feel nervous about talking all the time. Actually, sometimes it's also good if you do something else like go for a concert or other shared activity like a walk in the park, where you will instantly have something to talk about. Coffee can come afterward.
     
    #4 resu, Apr 8, 2015
  5. confusedchris

    confusedchris
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    Well, it looks like it won't be happening. He told me his schedule, but he hasn't really confirmed when we're meeting. It's the day before, and he's been online a few times without responding. He says he's a bit socially awkward, but I really hope he responds back. He's a really nice guy...

    *sigh*
     
    #5 confusedchris, Apr 9, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2015
  6. resu

    resu
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    You might offer to reschedule. Don't let yourself be stuck waiting forever. As my (also gay) friend from elementary school said, there are a lot of flakey guys on online dating sites.
     
    #6 resu, Apr 9, 2015
  7. confusedchris

    confusedchris
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    He usually posts every few days, but he's really late with this one. I don't think he's flaky, forgetful and busy maybe. He has said before that he'd like to get to know me more, but this is after a month of talking to him. I tried at first to go to the cinema as friends even. Then, I told him what I really felt, and he still was willing to try it out, but he needed to get to know me more. Then I tried to ask him for coffee about a week after, and I told him that is probably the best way to get to know each other as dating websites are closed off. He agreed. He just seems like a shy person. He does like me and I can tell that from the messages he has sent me, and the multiple times he's checked my profile to see if we're a match. We're at 97%. It's a busy time of year as well. We're both in university (separate ones unfortunately), so he's probably got a lot on his mind.
     
    #7 confusedchris, Apr 10, 2015
  8. confusedchris

    confusedchris
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    Update: He told me that he was uncomfortable with the situation, and thought he could shrug it off.

    I'm pretty upset to be honest.
     
    #8 confusedchris, Apr 10, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2015
  9. freedomfighter

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    Hey there, been there several times.

    Whether it's with this guy or another guy, just try to relax and be yourself. You'll find conversation flows a lot better when you speak about and from who you naturally are.

    And most importantly, be honest; with yourself and him. It kinda helps to set boundaries too before hand so you don't get into something you'll want to get out of. If he or whoever you talk to is a real nice guy, then something good should come from it.

    Best of luck!
     
    #9 freedomfighter, Apr 10, 2015
  10. confusedchris

    confusedchris
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    I'm going to keep talking to him, but I basically said back to him that when I've pushed yourself into something uncomfortable, it has been worth it (plays, interviews, etc). I'm very much like that. I try to distance myself from others, but I've regretted it for a while. I told him that the reason why I asked is because I want to didn't want to leave things until later anymore. I also joked at the fact that he would be so nervous around me. That sounds ridiculous.
     
    #10 confusedchris, Apr 10, 2015
  11. freedomfighter

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    It sounds like he just is nervous around people. Maybe he's been burned/catfished or something before. If it works out, great... if not, maybe a dodged bullet. I'm interested in how it all turns out.
     
    #11 freedomfighter, Apr 10, 2015
  12. confusedchris

    confusedchris
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    Yeah, he's nervous. Well, I hope he at least gives me a chance and tries to get over how nervous he is.
     
    #12 confusedchris, Apr 11, 2015
  13. lukeluvznicki13

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    This is kind of happening to me at the moment too so I understand how you're feeling.
     
    #13 lukeluvznicki13, Apr 11, 2015
  14. confusedchris

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    It's frustrating, isn't it!?
     
    #14 confusedchris, Apr 11, 2015
  15. Joelouis

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    Did he say what part he felt uncomfortable with?
     
    #15 Joelouis, Apr 12, 2015
  16. confusedchris

    confusedchris
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    He said he wanted to get to know me better, but it would be very hard to do that as he gets on every 2-3 days unexpectedly. I can't really see how much more he can get to know me without seeing me in person. We've talked for a month and a half now. It's like sending letters to him rather than instant messaging. He stays off social media mostly so I can understand why he's not as active as everyone else. They're long messages though and I look forward to each one in anticipation.
     
    #16 confusedchris, Apr 12, 2015
  17. AAASAS

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    Meet him as friends only, that takes pressure off everything. A little over two months ago I was terrified of going on a date, so I broke the ice by going out as a friend, and since then Ive been on a ridiculous amount of dates. Iliterally went from never having gone on a proper date, to going on way every other day. Just realize the other person is most likely just as nervous as you are.

    Once you get it done, it literally becomes no big deal, it's literally just coffee, go and drink it, have no expectations other than having a conversation and getting to know another person.
     
    #17 AAASAS, Apr 12, 2015
  18. Wildside

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    I wish you luck in finding someone who knows what he wants. Until this friend figures himself out, he will bring nothing but pain and frustration to anyone who tries to get to know him.
     
    #18 Wildside, Apr 12, 2015
  19. confusedchris

    confusedchris
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    I already tried that before going out for coffee. He still was nervous about meeting. He's probably not going to go out. It's pretty clear.
     
    #19 confusedchris, Apr 13, 2015
  20. resu

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    He just is at a different stage in being comfortable with his sexuality. You can't really do much. Each person has to go on their own path of self-acceptance vs. self-denial before they can truly be ready for a relationship.
     
    #20 resu, Apr 13, 2015
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