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Feels like an endless cycle.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by HugasaurusRex, Apr 1, 2015.

  1. HugasaurusRex

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    I have suffered from depression since I was around 11 and since then it seems like and endless circle of smiles and tears.

    Backstory:

    When I was 6 I knew I was not like the other "normal" boys as I would call them, I knew I was attracted to boys like the boys were to girls, but back then I had no idea what it meant or why I felt like that. But I also felt the same for the girls, or so I thought I did, when you go to the WC and you see the picture of the boy and the girl to show which room is which, I would put a mental "tick" next to both images. When I was 9 I finally got my first crush, but it was my best friend, and it was male, being 9 I could not understand why I felt like this when all the other boys seemed to have crushes on the girls. But I just put it to the back on my mind as a "phase". I finally started year 7 (age 11) and had hit puberty when I was about 10, so all the hormones were races their usual tracks and the feelings I once had felt even more heightened than they had before.

    But about 3 weeks into year 7 I ran into a pair or year 11 lads (age 16) and got the expected "watch where you are going, brat" response from them, but instead of it stopping there they decided to grab me and lead me to a dead end corridor no one ever used. Once there I thought they were just going to beat me up (as was custom for year 7s), but instead they striped me naked and proceeded to rape me. Once they were done with me they both just walked off as if nothing happened while I just sat there in shock, at first I didn't cry, just sat there trying to work out what just happened, finally the tears started to flow and I just sat there for the rest of the day feeling lost and alone. Now I think I could have handled it if that was the only time they ever did it, but no, for the entire year there was never a week that they would not abuse me at least once, some weeks it would happen every day. After a few months of this I gave up fighting them and just let them do what they were going to do, either way they were going to whether I fought them or not. The only reason it stopped was final year exams and they finally left the school for good, but little good that did. That was the start of my depression, self harm and eventually at the age of 16 attempted suicide. But just before they did what they did, I came to the realisation that I was bisexual, or at least I made myself believe I was that, to me it was "not as bad as being gay, as where I used to live people were not so friendly to gay people (but where are they) and at 11 I refused to believe I was gay. And once the lads had begun to abuse me I felt even more strongly that I was not gay, I felt disgusted that two boys had done what they did that I never wanted to see another boy again in any way sexual or otherwise. I spend the entire summer between year 7-8 convincing myself I was "straight" that being bisexual/gay was wrong, and to that end I somewhat succeeded, I decided I was going to live a heterosexual life no matter what.
    Though I managed to convince myself I was straight I never fully believed it, or at least accepted it, which was not helped by the depression, I felt alone, useless, worthless and completely pathetic. And when I was 16 my family went on holiday and I stayed home to make sure things were safe, main reason was I did not want to go as I had already planned to end it before they were going away, this just gave me a better chance to do it without them knowing what I was doing. And on the second day being on my own I finally went through with what I had planned, I took a concoction of tablets I had gathered over the past several months (I have always studied science, the only thing I was ever good at, so I knew what I had to take and how much to to end it fast and painlessly), but thankfully I miss-read one of the tablets and inadvertently saved my own life. For months after I was really ill, but I convinced my family it was nothing to worry about, it was just linked to previous health issues (that's what I told them at least when I was 14 and 15 I was hospitalised twice due to swelling on the brain), thankfully they believed me and to this day (I am now 26) they do not know about any of it.

    When I was 18 I met a girl, Sarah (pseudonym) in college and I felt attracted to her, she was the first female I had ever been attracted to and I thought that maybe I was "normal" after all. We eventually got together and were together for 7 years and for the first time in what seemed like forever I felt happiness, hope. For the first 4 years everything was great, but in April of 2012 my depression came back with a vengeance and for some reason I woke up one morning in April and wrote a letter and handed it to my at the time fiancée, in the letter I said nothing other than "I am gay". We (obviously) split up and I could not get around why I said what I did, or wrote rather. "I am NOT gay" I continued to tell myself and after days of trying Sarah finally listened to me and we ended up talking things over and getting back together. But things were never the same, she never trusted me like she once did and neither of us was truly happy, hindsight being 20-20 I wish we never did get back together, but at the time for some reason we felt is was the right thing. After 3 more years we both finally realised that neither I or her were happy and we split up, this time for good.

    For a couple of months after I was upset, but eventually came to realise that being single was not too bad, at least now I could finally start to unravel who I truly was and if possible understand who I am. To that end I was successful as on September 2014 I finally accepted that I was gay, once I finally accepted it, it became clear that I always knew I was gay and not bisexual, but none of that mattered, as I finally felt happy, and when I first said "I am gay" out loud to myself I smiled, and it was a smile I had never done in all my life. And on February 3rd 2015 I finally came out to everyone as gay and felt an overwhelming sense of relief and happiness as everyone was so accepting. But there is always something that stabs at the happiness and seems to bring be down, like now as I write this I am doing so in tears. I know where most of my unhappiness comes from but after I came out and felt so happy about it, and not only that, but came to terms with what happened to me when I was 11, I thought I would finally be happy indefinitely, but no, the depression is still there.
    I tell other people there is always light, there is always people out there who care for you...But I do not actually believe it myself. Maybe I tell others that to try and convince myself there is people who care, or there really is happiness out there, who knows. But the fact stands that I do not believe there is happiness out there, rather a lone dark path that I must walk alone. Sorry for the long winded post, I have never said any of the above to anyone and to be honest, it just being off my shoulders has made me feel a whole lot better, but I can not shake this lonely feeling of despair. And at the moment the one thing that I am terrified of is going back to the mindset I had when I was 16, as I know if I did I would not fail a second time. But who knows, there has to be some hope somewhere, right?
     
  2. FancyGummy

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    Wow. It's stories like this that make me think twice about being a pacifist. Might I ask, why did you never explain to your parents what actually happened (about the suicide attempt, at least?? I wonder whether mentioning the abuse to them would be a good idea concidering they may use it as a scapegoat...) Have you ever thought about going to a therapist? Honestly, there ARE some good ones out there, despite all the horror stories here about them. I really, really hope that you find some sort of peace for yourself...
     
  3. HugasaurusRex

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    I never told any of it to my parents as at the time they had their own worries and troubles, and their relationship was not at its strongest and I did not want to be a burden to them. As for why I do not speak of it to them now, well now they are finally happily married and the last thing I wish to do is ruin that happiness with what happened to me. And I do not see what help telling them would get anyone, since writing this thread I have told my closest friend and she, at first was a little upset that I had not said anything sooner, but she was happy that I finally felt able to tell her. But either way I could never tell my parents about my attempted suicide as I know it would tear them apart, not relationship wise, but in themselves, and it would get them into a never ending worry that I am still in that mindset now.

    As for a therapist, I would never see one, mainly due to the fact that many of the people I have known to go to them either get shrugged off with "there is nothing wrong with you" or get handed anti-depressants and sent on their way.
     
  4. MattisStuck

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    A psychiatrist prescribes drugs, a therapist helps you unravel yourself (hopefully, provided you're honest and they aren't a terrible therapist.) Not that I've ever been honest to one, but it could certainly help, and could have for me. It sounds like your friends had bad, bad therapists. You may want to look into seeing a good secular (or not secular, your choice of course) therapist over Skype or a program of the like if there are none available near you. It sounds like you should probably talk to someone.

    Your story reminds me a lot of myself. I was molested by my stepfather from when I was 9 to 11 years old. To date, my greatest regret in life is that I did not at least try to kill him, which ran through my head once while I was being abused. I think about the fact that I had that opportunity regularly, and did not take advantage of it. I knew after that I could grab one of the knives in the kitchen, and at least try. I looked at the knives for a while, in shock and confusion. Instead I grabbed a glass of water. That must have been why I went into the kitchen, I thought to myself. I knew before I was ever abused of my same sex attraction, but the fact that it happened is the stem of much of my personal doubt and lack of self confidence.

    I too spent much of my life trying to convince myself I was straight, and finally self identified as bisexual, which was just fooling myself, hoping that I may still be able to live a "straight" life like my parents expect and want and the world expects.

    As for me, I live my life in a state of numbness, which I've convinced myself is best. Better to feel nothing at all than unhappy, or deal with my problems. I've just started to accept that I am gay, and can just now say it to myself when I am looking in a mirror. It's a long road to self acceptance and happiness, I suppose. They say anyway. Sometimes we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. We just have to have faith that it's there (and that's not easy for me as a naturally pessimistic introvert with a propensity for self isolation and overworking). It has to be, this pain and suffering can't be in vain.

    I'm not sure that any of this will be of any help to you, but I hope it was. If you need someone to talk to, to relate to on some level, do let me know.
     
  5. HugasaurusRex

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    I have no idea what I need any more, I go for weeks, months and if lucky a couple of years being happy and feeling "normal" (for want of a better word), then all of a sudden my past hits me like a pile of books which then makes me doubt who I am. I am no where near like I used to be, now I am able to over come this pile of books in a way I never used to be able to. Whether it is due to age and experience or another factor I do not know, but what ever it is, it seems to work. Or so I hope at least. And just the fact I am hopeful for something is hope at all, as hope was the one thing I never thought I would ever have, as when I suffered at my worse from depression I felt nothing other than a constant anxiety. Of all of what happened to me, the more I think about it, the only part of it that still plays over in my head is not the abuse of the fact that I tried to kill myself, but rather the fact that my parents would have come home from holiday having not a clue what I was going through and thinking I was the happiest child around (I did a great job at hiding everything and making everyone think I was happy) to see their son dead. And it is that part that gets to me the most.
    I have of the past few days been speaking to people I have been working with about my past (I have come to know and trust these people) and since doing so, it feels like a huge weight has gone, but even that I often times hate doing as I just feel like I am burdening others with my problems, I know I am not as they always give the "What are friends for?" line. But eh, what works, works I guess.

    I too thought about killing my abusers, though at the time, I was too afraid to even try anything. And if I was to see either of them now, I have no idea how I would react. I know I would have one question I would ask, but after that I have no clue. I know I could not actually go ahead and kill them, for all they did to me, I could not bring myself to end someone's life, or at least I do not think I could, but who knows how I would react in that situation, thankfully never been in that situation and hopefully never will be.

    And it is that which is what makes me so angry towards the abusers. Take me for example. I am not angry (at least not any more) about what they did to me, but rather how what they did to me led to me repressing who I was. When I was 11 not long before the abuse started, I was ready to come out as gay, I had already known I was "different (as said above), and I had accepted it when I was 10/11. But before I fully readied myself the abuse started and the shame followed. And it is that shame that angers/ed the most.

    Anyway...Going to stop as I have a very bad tendency to waffle, I could waffle and chat for hours and hours without realising (you wouldn't think I was a socially-awkward, shy introvert.) And, thank you. Helpfulness comes in many forms, so yes it was helpful x
     
  6. brainwashed

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    Alright I'll add my two cents to your comments HugasaurusRex. And thanks for the "friends" request. I love new friends and ECs is teaching me a sense of community among LGBTers.

    My cousin who is a psychologist suggests I a) exercise 3 to 5 times week, minimum 30 minutes per day. Even walking counts. b) drink plenty of water. c) eat right, no junk food. Plenty of vegetables, fruit, starches, grains. A little meat is good. d) get plenty of rest and e) meditate. Go to YouTube to find out how to meditate or find a meditation group where you live. Do this for me.

    It's completely human to explore and experiment with ones sexuality. I strongly suggest you stop trying to label yourself and let your heart go where it wants to. Be comfortable with where you land. Stop letting others tell you who you are.

    I agree with therapist suggest. Stop doing their job and stop trying to second guess them. They can help.

    Rape. Find a "I got raped" group to air this out. Maybe a therapist. You are not going to concur this one yourself. If I had stumbled on that act I would have gone after them. I generally get my ass kick, mainly because I'm small, but I always go down fighting - I've gotten my nose broken before. I have another suggestion, take up martial arts, it really helps. I have. I kicked a robbers ass, sent him running.

    Do not know where you live so this analogy may be hard to understand. You are climbing a mountain. It's a tall mountain. You are alone and lost. There lots of snow with ice crevices everywhere. You do not know the route to the summit. You need a fellow climber so the two of you can summit. The mountains name, The Mountain of Life.

    I do not know you, but I can relate to your struggles. (as with most people on ECs) I cant huge you but I can say I love you. Not romantically (there's six or so types of human love) but as a fellow human being. (I am not just saying that so sound good.)

    I am also a full member so you can private message me anytime. (I'm going off to the wilderness next week and will not be available.)

    Take Care