Why pp should not judge gay folks who first got married, etc.

It's unfair to suggest that men who discover they are gay at a later point in life entered marriage deceitfully. The dynamics are really complicated. If it hasn't been said enough, it should again be emphasized that sexuality is fluid. No one is perfectly gay or straight. Yes, I knew I had homosexual thoughts and feelings but I also loved my wife and had a sexual relationship with her for more than 20 years; we have two beautiful kids, we had lots of good times; we built a good life. Fortunately now we can continue our friendship because we're both reasonable. I didn't ruin her life, far from it. I belong to a gay married men's support group at the LGBT center in nyc; of the many, many men I've met there, I can honestly say not one states that he entered the marriage knowing he was gay and that it was a sham from the outset. Some guys had no idea; their homosexuality was repressed until some crisis in midlife. Other guys would say they dabbled or fooled around with guys but also went for women. Almost all felt that their relationships with their wives were valuable and meaningful, not just deceitful manipulation.

 

I got married with the best of intentions even though I was aware of my feelings towards men, at least at some level. Over the years I did my best to deny and repress those feelings and still they kept coming back, even stronger each time. I've gone through the normal progression others have here (gay porn, chat lines, etc.) and finally reached the point where there was no doubt that I was gay. It was a relief to admit it to myself and it is a huge relief to write about it here. I wish that I had come to grips with being gay earlier as things are so complicated for me now.

 

There was no Empty Closets to come to for advice back in 1969. We were all alone in this, and had to just deal with feelings that we didn't understand and didn't even have words to express. The only place I had to go for counseling would have been to a catholic priest. and that would have meant either getting one who would have had sex with me (less likely, but possible -- and I might have liked it but would have just felt guilty); or, the more likely scenario, just a heavy guilt trip for being so sinful. You just can't compare that with all the support and options that people have today. An LGBT friends and allies support group in 1969. Hahahahahahahhahaha. How 'bout a "kick the shit our of the faggot" group that I would have been introduced to if I had told any of my classmates that I was gay. Sound harsh? That was our reality 45 years ago.
And if it's different for you now, it's because people in my generation and older wouldn't let it happen to you like it happened to us. Some of the bravest were on the front lines, but most (even most straights) wouldn't allow their sons and daughters to be victims of hate crimes (and note that "hate crime" is a word and concept that didn't even exist in the 60's -- but there were lots of hate crimes against LGBTs, even if we didn't have a word for it)

 

Well, been married tho she turned out to based a psycho bitch......now been with gf for 14 years and have 3 daughters...now finally dying to torch the f'ing closet and yet I am so worried over hurting her that I will sacrifice my own happiness because I am not wanting to wreck the family. I know my kids accept me no matter what yet the though of being just a weekend dad breaks my heart. Nobody should judge what people in this position go thru cuz they don't realize the struggle we face within ourselves.

 

My dad says if you married the opposite sex then realized if you are not straight, you are just straight and stupid. This is the dad who has his kids sleep on a couch and cot and sometimes the floor. He is also the one that tries to make me overeat. I HATE MY DAD.

 

Very well said!

 

We are the victims being forced to be who we never were. I find it very hard not to get angry when I think about my childhood and how I had nobody to talk to or turn to, and despite having a brief boyfriend when I was 13 I even got stabbed in the back by him. I feel that my wife is also a victim and I point my finger squarely at society and religion for its backwards bigoted attitudes for causing all this upset and heartache. I've lost the best years of my life.

 

Thanks for the posts guys.... makes me wish I was born 20 or 30 years later. Single divorced dad here, going through the coming out process now. Feeling empowered for the most part and hopeful for the future even though it's going to be tough to find a partner at my age.

 

Hi,

It is fine if people judge me for things forced upon me by a twisted society because they adhere to a twisted society. Saves me a lot of time sorting out good people from fools.

I will not invest my time with them. If anything it is a benefit.

 

I just wish the world was more accepting or at least held back their opinions.
But whatever, I can feel glad I'm better than that

 

If you don't understand what it was like in the 1950s and 1960s, watch this movie, the whole movie, not just this trailer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lo0k66jXVGI