I thought I'd write a little of my story here. I'd love to hear from anyone who might be able to relate to any of my feelings. I'm a 30 year-old female based in the UK. I was brought up in a strict religious family. My parents are evangelical Christians, but I'm an atheist. As you might imagine, my parents, particularly my mother, are very homophobic. My mother thinks it's a mental illness. :-/ I'm really unsure at this point whether I'm gay or straight. I've had 2 relationships in my life, both with men, but neither of them were healthy relationships. I think that I cared for both of them deeply, but I wasn't "in love" with them, and I wanted to be with them in a child-ish way, I think. I wanted lots of hugs and comfort from them. However, if I'm honest, I wasn't sexually attracted to either of them. I did sleep with them, but I think I wouldn't have minded not doing so. The first person I ever kissed was a girl. I was only 11. I had this huge crush on this girl in my class and we made out a lot on several occasions. I remember feeling very, very guilty about it, like I was doing something really bad and I was terrified my parents would find out what I'd been doing. I remember I stopped talking to her altogether, because I felt so guilty. I am wondering now if I have suppressed those feelings ever since. I certainly, on the whole, find women more attractive than men. But, I feel confused because I don't know if it could simply be because I don't have, and I've never really had any positive male figures in my life. My father was always insanely strict with me, to the point that in my teens his behaviour towards me drove me to self-harm. I don't really trust him because he once had an affair, and I'm pretty sure he's still in contact with the "other woman". But, he and my mother always pretend everything is fine. They live in a kind of fantasy world! I have a brother, but he hates my dad so much he refuses to see or speak to him. I only see my bro about once, maybe twice a year because he lives very far away. I've never had any male friends. I don't really have a question or anything, but just felt like writing something here. I'm going through a very low period in my life and needed somewhere to vent. I am currently unemployed, due to a long run of bad luck with jobs not working out/me failing at job interviews because my confidence keeps getting knocked, and since I'm single too, I'm still living with my religious parents. At 30 years old, it's pretty depressing, particularly because I have experienced living away from home before, being in work, and losing that and having to come "home" has been so hard. When I'm not applying to jobs, I spend much of my time daydreaming about my future. I want to move out so badly, but it feels like it's never going to happen. Well, that's the basics. I'd love to hear from anyone who can relate to anything I've mentioned. I'm feeling pretty alone these days.:icon_sad:
You're not alone, people all the time, all around the world go through tough times! I, myself, grew up in a very religious family too and when I come out with being mostly straight I know they're not going to be very accepting of it but it's something I hope they'll learn to accept in time. I'm sorry to here about all of that but I hope you find strengh in you to keep moving forward, even through the bad. Good luck!
First off, I really wish you the best. Keep at it and you'll find the job and be able to get out again. I grew up in a very Christian family, and in fact I still believe in God (but notice I don't call myself a Christian). My dad believes that being gay is a choice and a sin, recently he even took a bible study on the "gay agenda". It's painful, and it makes things really difficult. I've ignored my gender and sexuality since forever because I'm so afriad of losing my dad, and my brother. To be honest, there is still a huge part of me that's determined to just stay mostly in the closet and never come out to them, because why should I tell them that I'm more of a guy that likes guys, than a tomboy that likes guys and risk losing them. The only reason I felt comfortable enough to explore myself now is because I moved to a different country. :/ So yeah, I kinda get it. And I know how much it can suck. But hang in there! "Positive thought leads to positive action."
Thank you both for your replies CJliving, I'm so sorry to hear your dad took that course. That must have been very difficult to hear. I think you have been sensible to move to a new country. There is a huge part of me that wants to run away from my family, and I think perhaps moving to a new place by myself might be the best thing for me too. Maybe, not a new country, but definitely a new town. I am going to try to figure out how I can do it. I think it will take me a couple of years (I need to save money, get more work experience and re-build my confidence), but I hope it will be possible. Thanks again, both for your supportive comments
