So I had a feeling I'd be bound to experience a bit of "buyer's remorse" after coming out to close friends and immediate family, but I'm still upset and surprised I let it get to me. I'm not really sure what set it off, but it feels like last month when I came out to my parents I was the bravest I'd ever been in my entire life, and now I'm scared again. Perhaps I'm just tired and emotionally drained. I'm wondering if others had similar experiences in which after coming out you feel waves of euphoria and fear, sometimes at the same time. Just for context: my parents have been totally cool with my being gay. So cool that they've started telling their friends. This isn't a problem, because while I asked them for their discretion, I was clear that I wasn't hiding my sexuality anymore. But my step-father called me last night to tell me he'd had dinner with an old family friend and that he'd told her I was gay. He said that her reply was "I'd always known since he was a child." I assume I should be happy about this, but the way my step-father was telling the story, it made it seem like the friend's tone was: "Oh, I always knew there was something wrong with him." I knew there would be people in my life who'd react that way, and I know there will be many more who'll be saying things behind my back. But it still pisses me off, and it's still the part I loathe most about coming out. Any advice about how to make peace with this? One more quick thing that I think is contributing to my mood: I've started dating a guy, which is great. I enjoy spending time with him, but nothing physical has happened yet, not even kissing. I'm not even sure I want anything to happen, but I'm wondering if something is wrong with me that we've been on three very long dates and nobody has made a move yet. Perhaps it's all in my head, but I think I underestimated how much of a problem my lack of experience was going to be (I've never been with a guy). I'm scared of how he'll react when he finds out I'm a gay virgin, even though I know in my head that if he's the kind of guy who would have a problem with my inexperience, then he's not the right person for me. Any thoughts on how to best handle this? That was more longwinded that I'd intended it to be. To summarize: 1) Have others experienced highs and lows, sometimes at the same time, while coming out? How did you deal with it? 2) How do you make peace with the fact that some people that you've known your whole life aren't going to accept you? 3) What's the best way to handle dating inexperience? Thanks so much for reading
Dearest sir Let's run this down shall we 1.i can't say I personally have felt the emotional rollercoster you've felt. I'm sorry I can't help much with that. 2.you got two options. You can talk with them. This option will get you a fast result, but may not be the one that you want. The other option is waiting it out. This is much longer, but it gives the person to take their time digesting the information. 3.take it as fast as you two need. It not a race as I tell many people. Just make sure that your partner understands how comfortable you are with things like kissing and holding hands. I Agee with your last statement, if he doesn't respect your bounderies then he isn't a good match for you. Communication and honesty are two important things in a relationship That's the best I can do. If you need me to answer any questions ask away. Sincerely -Wolf
With regards to your inexperience, I would suspect the guy you are dating would be very happy about that, not disappointed; you handle it by telling him that he is the first guy you ever wanted to have sex with so you need him to go slow and be patient with you, because any hesitation you may display is the inexperience, not a lack of interest in him. If that doesn't turn him on, check his pulse; he may be dead. Almost everyone experiences anxiety when coming out; at moments they are excited to do it, then moments later they get scared and can't squeeze the words out, even when the situation is perfect to do so. Then they tell someone and are elated when they get a good response, only to experience fear the next day about the irreversibility of their announcement. You aren't any different from other people in this regard, and will probably become comfortable with your decision after a little time has elapsed and nothing earth shattering has happened as a result; most of us do. For the people who aren't going to be happy with your status, they are the ones who made that decision, not you; if they become a problem, cut them out of your life. There are Billions of other people on this planet who will be unaware and/or indifferent about your sexuality; I am sure you can find enough of them to surround yourself with friends, straight and gay, who will care for you just as you are.
The inexperience isn't a big deal as long as you communicate that with him and you're not obviously going insane because of it. My point is that people notice when things aren't going well, he might perceive your worries as something else if you haven't told him anything about it. You don't have to be blunt about it. You could mention that previously you were in a long term relationship with a girl that lasted for seven years. He will most likely get the point. The ups and downs. I have experienced them when coming out to friends. I don't deal with the anxiety in any way, after a while I start feeling okay again.
Thanks all! You've been very helpful. I honestly didn't think about it that way! But what you say makes perfect sense. If the roles were reversed, I'd be tickled if someone told me he wanted his first time to be with me. Thanks so much for this and your other advice, Yossarian. I really feel a lot better now!
1. Coming out is a very emotionally draining experience, even when it goes well. It's a taxing endeavor to bare your soul, and to do it again & again. I've never felt bad about coming out & I've been very lucky in that I've never met disapproval. The reactions from the people I've told personally have only been good. I know certain family members of mine know, but most chose not to bring it up. 2. You basically tell them to F off. All you can do is explain that you're the same person as you always were & would just rather kiss boys. I know it's not the most lovey dovey answer, but it really makes you question how much they ever cared about you. 3. If you're really worried about telling him you haven't lost your gay V-card, you can always lie & tell him you had a fling with someone but are still new to being with guys. It's not being completely honest, but still excuses inexperience... and what is he going to do, call references? One thing you can do after a date is summon your courage & ask him for a kiss. After a few dates most guys say yes Take it slow & tell him you don't want to rush it, but you WILL get there eventually, in time.
