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I really need someone to talk to

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Sam2, Mar 9, 2015.

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  1. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    One thing that comes through in all of your postings is how much you adore your little girl. Despite the pain, sadness and overwhelming stress, your love for her continues to shine through strongly and that's great to see, because it gives you reason to fight this shit head on. When you hit a deep low you need a reason to push on; something to fight for, and you've got it. She is your reason, don't you think? You have hopes and dreams for her, so resolve to see them through.

    Don't ever underestimate how much of a difference it can make to face life trials with determination and vigour.

    Keep on keeping on Sam. This aint got you beat yet and we are all with you if you let us in.
     
    #21 PatrickUK, Mar 10, 2015
  2. Anongirl123

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    Your story is one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever read. You've gone through more pain in the span of a few years than most people will go through in their entire lives. You should write a book - seriously. I don't know why, but you seem like you would be an amazing motivational speaker, and you have a heart of gold (it's obvious by the way you talk about your daughter). I don't have much else to say. I can't even begin to imagine what you're dealing with. But the other posters are right, taking care of your general health and having a fighter attitude will make a huge difference. Maybe you could find a therapist, or a local nutritionist? Someone who deals with holistic health/alternative medicine? Even just an in-person support group.

    Through my time lurking around, I've seen a few of your posts, but never really commented. Honestly, you're one of the strongest people I've ever seen. If anyone can get through something like this, it's you.
     
    #22 Anongirl123, Mar 10, 2015
  3. Sam2

    Sam2
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    @PatrickUK, you're always welcome in here:slight_smile: to answer your questions, My fears? well theres the obvious ones, i don't want to do chemo therapy, and don't want surgery. and then theres obviously death. on a more shallow note tho, I'm scared of how this is effecting my appearance. pretty shallow I know, but I used to be somewhat toned, had a gut, but my arms and legs were toned, I liked my face too, but lately I have been losing muscle tone, and my face looks a bit boney, tho not terribly, these purple blotches don't exactly help. I don't want people to stare at me and look at me like I'm a holocaust victim. tho I'm not even close to that bad(thank god). But i can barely eat. idk really know why, I'm always nauseous and when I'm not, I'm just generally not hungry.for example all I ate today was half a pop tart. that was 8 hours ago and I'm still not hungry.
    I'm scared about my CD4 levels. today they were tested again, they're at 90, considering they're supposed to be at 500 this is disconcerting. after realizing this, I've had to sell my reptiles, because they shit in theyre cages and I have to clean it, I don't think that is safe considering the circumstances, I also have to go into the dr twice a day now for blood tests and general checkups since the last time they checked my CD4 it was at 105.
    I'm scared of being alone, it makes this harder.

    Mostly I'm scared for my daughter. she just started calling me daddy. I owe it to her more than anyone to fight this bs. I want her have as normal a life as possible, and at the same time abnormal because normal is boring:slight_smile: I don't want her to be scared so I have kept her out of this, only saying "I'm a bit sick" never saying what with, or anything, just a bit sick.

    I've always struggled with depression, so i don't have many hopes for myself, just to get better and see my baby grow up into a woman. My biggest hope, is that hope:slight_smile: will be happy. whenever possible in the short term and in the long run.

    call it poor morale, but with my condition dropping so quickly I decided to start recording videos for little hope to watch in the future, just in case. that way when she's older she can watch them and understand a bit better. but my goal is to be here longer than to explain this, I want to see her in highschool, see her go to college, and walk her down the isle. and meet my grandkids! I'd also like to see hopes mom happy, don't get me wrong, we don't exactly see eye to eye but she is the mother of my child, and I figure if shes happy she can probably be better with hope, not criticizing she's great with her. but everyone could improve at what they do, including me. I'm pretty far from perfect after all.

    I'd also like to write a sci fi book, idk what about yet. but not working as left me with lots of time. I started playing the bass again along with writing and drawing more. So I'd like do write some stuff.

    idk this all may not answer ur question, probly sounds stupid but.. I think i answered it, certainly was honest:slight_smile:
     
    #23 Sam2, Mar 11, 2015
  4. BlueLion

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    You're a great father, Sam. I don't think you're as far from perfect as you say. You're doing a very good job.

    As I told you before, I'd like to read your work someday. So I hope you publish that book you have promised :slight_smile:

    Never stop being a fighter and have hope :wink:
     
    #24 BlueLion, Mar 11, 2015
  5. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    I think you did amazingly well to answer the questions about your hopes and fears Sam. It's not always easy to confront our innermost thoughts, but you managed to explain everything well and I hope it helped a little to be honest about your feelings.

    It's great that you still have things to live and fight for and I'd encourage you to remain resolutely focused on achieving everything you want. I'm sure it's not easy when you have those nagging worries and fears in the back of your mind, but don't get too distracted by them when you have so much that you want to see.

    I'm no medic Sam, but I wonder if you could look at protein drinks to help you maintain weight. I'm assuming you are still okay with fluids, even if your appetite is poor? Maybe there is some other way of getting your weight back up? Sounds obvious, but have you spoken to the doctor about it?

    Isn't Hope a great name for your little girl Sam? With a name like that how can you lose sight of what you need to do? :slight_smile:

    I'm sure many members are reading this thread and wishing you all the love and strength in the world, so don't think you are alone with this. We may not be sat in the same room, but we are with you.
     
    #25 PatrickUK, Mar 11, 2015
  6. Feline

    Feline Guest

    Much love to you, we're here for you!

    Please, hold on and try to stay as healthy as possible, even if you have this terrible combination, you never know, you might survive, don't assume you'll be dead. Always Hope for the best :slight_smile: and, yes, prepare for the worst, but don't surrender.

    It is very sweet how you're there for your child, and how you're planning to be there for her in the future, even if you wouldn't be able to be there physically, the videos are a great idea. And the trip, I bet she'll enjoy it very much! And you too. :slight_smile:

    I ignore if you're the spiritual kind, but if you believe in such things, the Gods never send us something we can't deal with, everything happens for a reason. Don't focus on what is missing, focus on what is there, on who is (t)here with you.

    I agree, the very name of your child is a sign, Hope. :slight_smile: For you and for her, Hope.

    A big warm hug from this side of the screen, and my best wishes.
     
    #26 Feline, Mar 12, 2015
  7. m e l v i n

    m e l v i n
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    Good morning Sam :slight_smile: hope you're doing great today (*hug*)
     
    #27 m e l v i n, Mar 12, 2015
  8. Beebop

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    I'm so sorry you are having to go through this and feel so alone. I really hope your doctors are able to help you see your daughter grow up for as long as possible. Best wishes. (*hug*)
     
    #28 Beebop, Mar 12, 2015
  9. m e l v i n

    m e l v i n
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    hi Sam, hope you're doing well (*hug*)
     
    #29 m e l v i n, Mar 15, 2015
  10. Sam2

    Sam2
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    been in the ICU.. not well:frowning2:
     
    #30 Sam2, Mar 18, 2015
  11. m e l v i n

    m e l v i n
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    stay strong Sam!
     
    #31 m e l v i n, Mar 18, 2015
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