So I've smoked for awhile now to deal with anxiety, but have stopped for the past two weeks. In that time I started to question my gender identity. I was feeling pretty sure about wwanting to be female. I started to present as female online to people I met and it felt pretty good honestly. I also sort of let myself take a perspective of life through a more feminine personality and people actually remarked that I seemed in a really good mood during that time. I have been thinking about how coming out to friends and parents would go for awhile, and I still wasn't 100% sure about being trans. I was still researching a lot of aspects of it. Last night me and my friends made this awesome gravity bong. long story short we got ripped. Anyway, when we were hanging out I felt like I realized that I didn't want to be a girl at all and that I was fooling myself into thiinking that I did. To specify I felt like really comfortable just being one of the guys for thee first time in a really long time. Anyway, I was reading on PAWs symptoms and I display a lot of them. One in particular is circular thinking, I've experienced this by: thinking that I have a mental illness, thinking I am gay (could go either way), and now the whole transgender deal. So I guess I am worried if these feelings are only because I stopped smoking that they are at the front of my mind now, or am I just grasping at straws trying to find a reason other than weed that I feel so disconnected.
I'm just gonna lay out the stuff that's been bothering me lately, respond or don't I just kinda want to throw it all out there. I've been off and on questioning since I was 12, so waiting hasn't really been helpful lol. My main concern is that I can't really see my family seeing me as anything but their son and my friends have been brothers to me since childhood. I can't even imagine losing them either even though we live 4 hours apart we talk almost everyday. These are my main fears mainly because I have lived my life as a fairly masculine hetero guy ironically since I literally can't see girls as sexual beings, unless I am in there place. Because I have built my relationships on what seems like a false premise it seems that they just wouldn't trust me after that. And then just bail on me. At the same time when I am with other guy friends that live near me I can't seem to relate to them as much, probably because they are the guys who chase girls and talk about that type of stuff. I am more of a romantic person, I crave intimacy but I can't ever seem to display it. I rarely have much to contribute to their tales of conquest, but I am pretty good at giving them advice on their girl problems. Over the course of the last few years or so I have been having really bad time in my life as. Anyway I sort of broke down crying a few times after drinking and basically told one of my best friends of 10 years that I am atleast bisexual probably gay, and that I thought that I would eventually take my life some time down the road. He took it really well, hugged me and told me that he loves me regardless of what I want to do. We haven't really talked about it since. I did the same thing a few months later, sans suicide confession, to my roommate's gf who I was really close to, and sort of dated later. She was cool with it all, and when we hung out I could act however I wanted. I actually could talk about guys with her, it was basically girl talk when we hung out and I would get super giddy and act like a twelve year old. She broke it off with me because she wasn't over her ex. This is what brought back my gender questioning. I went home for the weekend for mardi gras and my best friends birthday. We ended up at a gay bar with one of my friends and had the most amazing time. I actually got hit on by some guys which felt really good, but I wasn't out to some people I was with so I kinda was lowkey about it. The next day I was talking to my mom in the kitchen and she kept talking about how my brother and I have really masculine tastes while my sister is super girly. I honestly hated her saying this and I packed up and left immediately really upset (I live 4 hours away and was gonna stay until the next day). So I was in this state of anxiety in which I kept researching about sexuality, but none of it really seemed right for me. During this time I made a conscious decision to avoid transgender topics, in the backk of my head I knew that if I considered it that I would completely relate to it. Naturally I gave in and I was right, now I have been researching transitioning constantly as well as looking at acceptance stories. I started to pretend to be a girl online and it felt really natural, I even made a friend from India, aparently I am a huge flirt. I went to class witht the mindset that I was a girl and I had a great time. My instructor actually told me that I was in a remarkably good mood that day. Now I just have doubts about transitioning/coming out to my parents/friends who still think that I am a straight guys guy. I guess the whole smoking thing freaked me out because I know that if I transitioned then my interactions with people would be completely different. TLDR: I'm just pretty scared of what might happen
It could be that you have a masculine side and a feminine side, and neither of these are set in stone. Weed can cause dissociation sometimes, so it might have triggered one part of you or another to come forward or go hiding. Weed is also a very social drug - when I smoke with my guy friends, I feel very strongly male, and when I smoke with my lady friends, I feel very strongly female. Social context can elicit these sorts of things. Are there any LGBTQ+ support groups in your area? It might be helpful to talk to other people and hear their stories. There may also be gender and sexuality therapists who can help you figure out what's going on - it's worth a look. Since your struggle sounds like it's causing you a lot of anxiety and depression, a therapist might be a really good idea. Good luck!
I live in Kansas, a pretty liberal part though. I haven't been able to find a gender therapist near me. I am going to a psychiatrist soon to get tested for ADHD, although I'm not convinced that I actually have it. I figure I could bring it up there just to actually vocalize it. The whole social aspect of weed thing actually makes sense. When I'm with guys I usually just hang out. With girls I am a bit more talkative, and more engaged I guess. When in a mixed group I kind of shut down socially and I am not quite sure what to say. That actually reminded me of something that happened a little while ago when my friend who is a girl and I were hanging out we were having a ton of fun at my house: talking, dancing, terrible music. Anyway I was just having a blast, then my male roommates came home and accordinng to her my personality completely changed. I guess I immediatlely started acting more reserved, anxiety came back, I stopped dancing with her and just sort of shut down. It was weird honestly, and I couldn't help it. When I am more feminine with my actions I actually am happier as a guy I get filled with anxiety and feel sort of empty. The problem is that I tend to go to both extremes all the time. This morning when I posted I was feeling pretty much like I was a girl. However then I went mountain biking to take my mind off of things, and I just felt like I wanted to stay a guy and become the pinnacle of masculinity. Like if I get really fit then all my problems would go away. I've tried this and always lose interest in it Now I am leaning back to the girl side again. This type of thing happens all the time which makes it harder to talk to anyone about it. I'm not sure if I will feel the same in the morning and once I put those words out there to people I know then I can't really go back, even if I say that I am unsure about my gender to my friends then even if they are cool with it I won't be able to backtrack without destroying what little credibility I have.
It seems to me you should allow yourself some experimenting. You seem to have a feminine side that needs to be expressed, maybe it's a part of you or maybe it could be the real you. It's normal to feel scared of how people will react. I think we all have been there at some point... The thing is that denial is even harder, and to try to supress stuff is extremely unhealthy. Also... If you are not presenting as who you really are, you are lying to the world and to yourself. A life built on lies is not a life worth living. It's not really your life, you know, it's just a lie you are giving to the world to keep them happy. You are risking to regret it later... And to hurt a lot of people while you are lying. Experimenting with clothes or names, or even having fun changing your voice... Those things would help you to express yourself. Try them just for fun, and see how they make you feel. I like Zebras by the way...
Even unholy ones? lol I've been experimenting already with actually all of what you mentioned. I havebeen experimenting with clothes and stuff for awhile, I like the name Emma, and I can actually sound pretty much like a natural girl for the most part (Naturally my voice was always deeper than most guys) so quiet the feat thanks to secretly loving pop songs (Bros don't like scissor sisters apparently lol). It makes me feel good, clothes feel sort of right I guess all of my guy clothes are all feel either too big or just make me self conscious mainly about my chest (used to have manboobs). I haven't ever worn only girls clothes out in public, because I have a swimmers build with a little pudge. I've been doing a lot more running and less weights to slim down to get a better idea of what I might look like if I transition I agree with the suppressing being bad. Ever since I loosened the reigns and started to express a more feminine side with the stuff above I actually don't have much anxiety. I have an annoying twitch with my eye when stressed, however recently it just doesn't happen which I'm cool with. I do regret the past 4 years of college joining a frat as suggested by my family was literally the worst thing that I have ever experienced. Stereotypes are bad but these guys actually strived to be as close to them as possible I'm talking Niedermeyer from "Animal House" level douchebaggery. Even though I hated it I told everyone that it was great, a fake it till you make it approach. It didn't work, now I don't associate with them at all, except one or two individuals in a sea of douchey pastel colors and sperry stink. (I'm a little bitter about the whole ordeal.) I don't want to hurt anyone, specifically my parents. With that in mind something that put me off from telling them is that I told them that I was experiencing depresion, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. They called bullshit and thought that I was making it up then refused to get me help because it would show up on their insurance and they are pretty anal about how our family looks. Eventually they had me see a counselor, but I didn't mention my gender/sexual orientation issues, I regret that. Anyway she told me that I might have ADHD on the second session. My parents jumped on that wagon, got me a few trial prescriptions for adderall and had me stop going to the counselor despite my protests. I told them it helped with studying and they were set in stone about ADHD being my problem. I doubt it is, but they think that I just need a higher dose. The current dose gives me anxiety like a mofo and they still think it's the way to go. I stopped taking it a week ago, most of the anxiety went away. Now I have to go to a psychiatrist for ADHD testing. I probably won't get diagnosed so I figure that I might as well mention it to them to get a professional opinion. Everytime I post it just turns out way longer that I thought it would be.
I would suggest sitting them down and telling them that you need them to open their ears and hearts and let u explain whats going on what u need and how you plan on getting it and if they dont agree you need to give them time, i told my parents i was trans and they freaked out but now they dont seem to care much juat as long as i dont look like a hooker lol.
I know I need totalk to them, however I would prefer to get a professional opinion mainly as actual proof. Rather than just what I think I might be. I can just see them saying that the past few year has been tough for me and that I am just confused. They are excellent at convincing me not to trust myself. They are also big on the whole, look how perfect and normal our kids are is thing, atleast with my older siblings. With me they make shit up about what I do. Also I'm a student and they pay for my apartment
I'm in a really similar situation to yourself at the moment. I understand the flip-flopping in your mind between masculinity and femininity and trying to find out which one is the side you want to adhere to. Good luck on your search for self-discovery
e flip flopping is truly killing me here. Yesterday I was driving to class and I remember having a desire to be a girl because I was crazy jealous of those PINK sweatpants all the girls had in middle school. I almost called my parents to tell them but backed out. Also I have been cutting weight to look more feminine and I keep getting more self conscious of my body as I get smaller. I just can't see myself with my family as a girl most of the time ,but at the same time when I talk to them I realize that I have to lie to them about myself to seem normal. Of course I might be doing this because I hate making them worry about me. That comes with the price that I don't really know them. All that I focus on is what I say and if it sounds normal so when other people talk to me I hear it and respond to it, but I don't remember anything they said. This is basically every relationship that I have. It's pretty common t hear "it just feels like we are just friends" Just curious but in a relationship are cis guys really as obsessed with sex as they make it seem? Because if a girl I'm dating is tryin to make out or whatever, I'm just like chill out I just want to snuggle and watch a movie. Hell me and one of my exes have a pretty great/friendship based on us basically dating minus the sex, which is perfect. If I'm with other girls they seem to expect that if we are in the same room that I am trying to be crafty and get in their pants,. Idk where I was going with this but i needed to vent
So I just read a short story by Kate Chopin called "The Story of an Hour" and it was amazing how much I could relate to it. It made me realize that I am living this way for others, now I am done with that. I am going to whatever the hell I want. Starting with becoming the person that I want to be, a woman. I would suggest reading it if you are scared of what people might think of you.
It was super weird, I was surrounded in all of these doubts and what ifs. Then when I read that story it just hit me so hard. the best part was that I had to write a paragragh response to it in class and it ended up being like 3 pages which was longer than the actual story lol. Either way it feels pretty good
