Should I come out? I'm scared and don't know what to do..

So, I'm a little bit confused this week, because I feel like I'm accepting the fact that I lean more toward homosexuality than bisexuality. But I'm scared. I mean, my first coming-out as ''bisexual'' was to my ex boyfriend and to a good friend when I was 17; my ex tell me that he believed I was straight and my friend tell me he believed I was lesbian. Around the same time, I tell my mom that I was confused by email and her reaction was like ''I love you no matter what, I'm very open with that, but take your time and don't tell the family''. Her answer doesn't helped me. So I stayed with my ex boyfriend two more years. In these two years, I began to cheat on him with others guys (when I was drunk) because I felt messed up.

When I was 20, I had sex with a guy, my high school crush (for who I've been obsessed from my 15 years until I was 20 years - with hindsight, I think it was more admiration than love) Anyway, after we had sex, I've felt so much disgusted by myself and by him, that I came to the conclusion that I was lesbian. So, I send another email to my mom, in which I tell her that I've just had sex with ''the boy of my dream'' and that now I think I'm lesbian, because I felt absolutly nothing - except disgust - with him. My mom answered me the same thing as before. Then, I stopped drinking and started to take control of my life at 21.

But, from my 21 to my 22, I began to smoke weed everyday after work, because I was not unable to bear reality. So, I can't remember much of 2013, except the fact that I've had a bad trip and stop taking weed in early 2014. I've been really depressed in 2014 because I was sober all the time and life seemed so depressive. Here I am now, sober for 1 year (I was drinking a lot from my 16 to my 21) and it's the first time that my mind is clear enough to understand and value myself the way I am in ''reality''.

These days, I often think if I should come out ''officially'' as a lesbian. But I'm so scared... I don't want my mom to tell me the same things again, or that my little sisters and step-dad think I'm weird... (I don't know my real father and his family and I'm not close to my mom's family, so for this part, I just don't care) And now, I'm not close anymore to my old friends (because I'm sober and not them), so I guess that I don't really care of their reactions. Also, I start a new job next week (a 6 months contract) and I don't know if I should come out to them, like for ''testing the water'' because it's not a long term job and I know that is a very open place. I don't know, in the past, I was so often drunk and hangover that it was easy to repress my feelings, and now, I feel like a part of me want to scream it.

Like, I want to come out, but I'm so ashamed at the same time... When I'm alone, I feel great about myself. But with people, I feel like I'm a weirdo. Exemple: Last week I was at the restaurant with my family for my mom's birthday. I was so attracted to the cute waitress that I start to blush and feel shy... But start to sweat and feel shameful because I was with my family. After that, I've forced myself to not look at her again because I felt too much shame and anxiety. I can't handle this anymore, I mean, I need to respect my feelings because they're an important part of me. I'm not attracted to man, even if I tried the best that I can in the past... I can't live in the denial anymore, I want to be happy and I want a girlfriend. I dream about growing old with a woman, to love and make love with a woman, to have a house, cats and maybe kids or even get married. I'm lesbian, I'm not bi or straight, it's not a phase (well, a phase don't usually last several years) and I can't repress my true self anymore.

Even when I was 17 and made my ''bisexual coming-out'', I knew deeply that I was gay... At 14, I remember that I started to repress my feelings for girls... So, I'm in the closet for 9 years now, and thinking that it's near a decade make me sad. So, yeah, I want to come out to my family and to new people I meet, but even if I'm scared, should I do it? I mean, I want a girlfriend, but staying in the closet won't help me. Ughh why it's so hard to be vulnerable? How to grow my confidence? How to feel free?