am i crazy or was he actually sending me signals?

Ok. I am so confused. I really really need help!!!

im a foreign teacher here in thailand and i met this guy 4months ago, hes also a foreign teacher at the same school... at first, being a coworker, and looking straight as an arrow, and completely not my type physically, I didn't really think much about him in a sexual way. But things started happening and i just suddenly found myself thinking about him all the time. and i mean, ALL THE TIME!

We had this group of 7 foreign teachers. And we hang out quite often, especially towards the end of the semester.

Now, im gay. But im not out. although people always somehow knew or at least just assuMe because of the way i speak maybe or the way i act in general. I never denied being gay. in fact, during the few times that this topic about me "looking gay"came up, i flat out said "i am!" And they all just laughed at me.

Anyway, so this teacher, Joe... i started developing some sort of attachment to him because he's a really really nice guy! Like really really smart, inceeeeedibly funny, and just really awesome! I loved hanging out with him, just listening to the way he speaks (i love his english accent), his ideas, his jokes.

Anyway, i get so confused, because i feel like sometimes, he's coming on to me.. now ive never had this happen to me before, so i basically ignored every "sign" thrown to me (i mean if they were actual signs.) anyway, so here's a list of the signs im talking about.

1. We went out one night with our group for some beer and dancing... we got pretty drunk, and at one point he just grabbed my hand and held it. fingers interlaced. i didnt do anything because i had enough alcohol to worry whether other people saw. but i also didn't do anything else, which i regret (dont know if i should)

2. That same night, he told me to go to the men's room with him and hold his hand because he's scared of that guy who randomly gives backrubs while ur at the urinal. Anyway, having that much alcohol in me, i walked with him, no holding hands though, and also I didnt enter the men's room. I just waited for him outside. Which, again, was stupid of me!

3. Whenever our group walks out for lunch or something, we always walk side by side. I mean, i can almost feel him trying to keep pace with me. I tried walking real slow one time, he did as well.

4. One time, he bumped his head on a door and had a wound on his bald head. i fixed it up for.him (cleaned and dressed it and stuff)... later that night, we decided to go to this bar for some beer with two of our other mates. so we were walking to the bar, and i said a joke about him prolly having a concussion. Then he said, "will you hold my hand and make me feel safe?" I said, "sure! After a few beers." then he asked me if ive ever kissed a man when drunk. That question really threw me off, but i managed to answer in a way that could be interpreted as a joke but can also be taken as serious. I said, "not even drunk!" Then he said, "i used to be against it, but then i thought fuck it! Life's too short!" And i dont know why i was so stupid that i changed the subject!

There are quite a few more little things that i prolly just read too much into. but the ones ive mentioned, what do you think? Am i crazy or was he coming on to me?

we're now in different locations. But he asked asked me to add him on facebook and said he'd visit me at my new place in may. now he's in cambodia, and im dying trying to fight the urge to send him a message just out of fear that he will not respond... also if he actually visits me, how shoukd i act around him based on the signs ive mentioned? Thanks a lot!

 

Never mind this. After reading a zillion other posts with a similar subject, i just realized, it's just the playful nature of straight men that cones out when around slightly less masculine guys. I feel stupid about my previous thoughts. and i sometimes hate being gay because i cant do these fun things with a fun straight guy platonically. I feel like this is a curse.

 

thank you!
m e l v i n: thanks! And i'm sorry for saying it's a curse. You're right. I'm feeling this way because of the frustration. I'm fine being gay... i mean its only a tiny portion of my being, and i love gay people... it's just that sometimes, things could get really grey and ambiguous and things happen that drive me insane. And cant do anything about it. that just sucks!

Cesar123: how i wish i could say it's actually safe to assume these things... anyway, we chat over facebook from time to time. He asked me once how's living situation in my new apartment (With my new roommates). Then he told me he's gonna come and visit me here in thailand before he flies to his home country. his flight is on the 23, and he said to meet up on the 20th. I got really excited and i told him he could stay in my apartment so he doesnt have to spend money on a hotel accomodation. My roommate is on vacay, so his room is available. told him id ask my roommate if he can stay in his room for a couple days. He told me not to worry about it and that he wud sleep anywhere. then i told him he cud sleep in my bed to which he just replied with "haha". then just last night he sent me a msg saying he would still visit me if its still all good. But said this time that he'll visit the day before his flight. Maybe he felt a bit off about me saying he cud sleep in my bed. I didnt mean with me!!! But anyway... that's that. He called me babes at one point, btw. Argh! This is driving me mad! I dont even know now how i feel about him visiting me. And what to think of why he's gonna do that. i should really stop thinking about him. But i do! Everytime! Every fucking time! I need help.

 

will do. Except there prolly wouldn't be anything interesting to tell. I realized he just needs a place to stay. It all makes sense to me now..., the friendliness,the "interest" in my living situation, the need to "visit". i feel so dumb thinking he might be into me. the idea is just laughable. The touchy-feely thing only happened once, when we were both drunk. So i shouldn't really think too much into it. anyway, if a free lodge is what he needs. Im happy to offer that help to a friend. I just really hope i manage to see things the way they actually are. Because the fact that i really really like him (A LOT) tend to give me all these delusions. i miss him so much and i dont even know why...

 

Hello everyone! Thanks for your interest in my story. especially to those who went out of their way to post some advice.

So he called me earlier today. he said he'll be here tomorrow night! And i'm pretty excited about seeing him... i dont even know what to expect. i just know i will be extremely happy to be near him again.

So im thinking, when he's finally here, i wont be in the look out for "signals" anymore. i will try not to think about stuff too much and just really enjoy being with this awesome friend.

I will post some updates after, but I'll probably just confirm that nothing exciting happened. I mean, ive read a lot of posts about bestfriends who have had way more intimate moments but when the time came that they confronted them, it turned out to be nothing. I just know that I have to be so unbelievably lucky and ridiculously blessed to not have my story end in the same way. So i'm just gonna try and be realistic. If i get some mixed signals again which are way too strong to ignore, then I'll just be straight with him. But i wont expect him to confess that he likes me back. I mean, i am really hoping, but i'm not expecting too much. actually, more than hoping, i fantasize about it everytime. But i know that's just basically it, a Fantasy. God, i want him so much that if this fantasy actually translates to reality, i might not even be able to believe it. It's kinda like winning the lottery: too good to be true.

So anyway, if i want to be realistic, i have to be prepared to move on. It hurts just thinking about giving up that tiny hope that he might actually like me too, but i will probably have to do it. I wont yet. Right now that hope is all i have. Otherwise, i wont even bother meeting him so i could start movinb on. Haha. but at least I can now accept that it's something im gonna have to do very soon.

thanks for reading guys. Will update you soon.

 

hello. sorry i havent had time to post an update. this is going to be the most unexciting, uneventful thing ever. just small things that i prolly give too much color to.

so he finally came and "visited" me. quotation marks on the word visited because i've sort of settled on the idea that visiting me is just something he had to do (to have a place to stay before his flight) nevertheless, i was still very happy that he did and welcomed him with open arms. anyway, nothing much happened... we just talked about stuff. i got to learn a lot about him... how we are alike in so many ways, and how we are different and a few major ways. so anyway, i tried to not think too much about the stuff he said or did, but my pathetic self cant help but hope some of them mean something. something to the likes of him sending signals... so if you can, please open my eyes and help me accept things as they are...


1. i went to the bus station to pick him up. he was wearing a scarf around his neck and he said "do i look gay in my scarf?" to which i just replied with a blank "no, it's fine."

2. i gave him a bottle of coke and some pastry coz i thought he might be hungry from the travel. he laughed when i gave it to him and said "im not really hungry, but if this will make you happy, ill eat it."

3. he kind of asked me to go to the cinema to watch chappie. so we kinda planned it, where to go and what time and stuff. then, my roommate invited us to go wakeboarding. i told him about it and he said "i dont really feel like doing anything today. im feeling lazy." so i thought he meant he doesnt really want to do anything that day and that our plan to go watch a movie was also off. that was kind of a relief for me because i was afraid i might not have enough money. but then, when the time came, he started preparing to leave for the movies. i ended up suggesting we just stay home because i feel lazy. he later suggested we walk to the mall.

4. btw, i just moved in to my aprtment at that point (about 3wks) and i didnt have pillows. so i made him use some of my clothes as pillows. haha. nway, the next day, we walked to the mall, and he wanted to buy me a pillow. i insisted i buy it myself. there was a lot of arguing about it, but i won.. i ended up buying 2. he kind of found it a bit odd that i wouldnt allow him to spend money for me or something and said "why are you so stubborn with money?" and i said "why would you buy me my pillows? im the one who's going to use them, so i should pay for them!" then he said something along the lines of paying me back for letting him stay. and i said "you're here so you could save money, so just save your money." (or something like that) to which he exclaimed "i came here to see you!" and i was not able to respond. i know that may not mean anything special, but i just thought that was sweet, and forgive me, but i took that to mean that he likes hanging out with me... whether as friend or something else doesnt matter. that just made me really happy.

5. when we were at the mall, there was this huge flat screen tv which shows a bunch of good looking asian guys. he stopped and said "look at how good looking these guys are." as if he could not believe his eyes. i said "it's kinda funny when you see beautiful people admire other people." he did not seem to understand what i said as he was so intently watching the tv (i would have found that weird, but he's sort of the kind of guy who is very secure with his masculinity that he wouldnt be afraid to say if a guy looks attractive)... he asked me to repeat what i said. i didnt and i just said "nothing/nevermind"

6. i also tried sending other hints that i find him attractive. i drew pictures of him (about 2wks before he came) and i showed him. he didnt seem to find it weird that i did that... which was nice. although, i also told him (a lie) that i also drew one of our other friends. he asked me to show him my drawing of our other friend (female) and i just said "i dont have it. i left it at the office." i feel like he didnt believe me though.

7. i checked his wallet at one point (while we were out somewhere) and found a picture of him when he was like 20 or younger, and i said he looked great! when we got home, he showed me another picture of him, much younger (16yrs old) and my jaw dropped. i didnt even hide how fascinated i was about his good looks. i took my phone so i could take a picture of his old photos, but i hesitated to ask a bit... then he said "do you wanna take a picture?" and i just did it. i find it funny how he offered it.

8. his first night in my apartment, i introduced him to my roommate. they chatted for a bit and i dont know but somehow they started talking about me, like giving me compliments and stuff. my roommate then said "this guy is just nice (referring to me, talking to him). you could get a lot of pussy with that." i just gave them a weak smile and my roommate said "..or dick. hey im not judging here." and he just watched. didn't react or anything. he doesnt seem to care.

9. the first night he slept in my room, he slept with his clothes on. the second night though, i was sitting on the window and he was lying in bed (my bed's next to the window, so my feet are on the bed), and he just pulled his shorts off and said "look what happened to my underwear." then raised his legs to the air to check his underwear himself. i couldnt really look directly but i saw there was a drop of something wet at the front. so i laughed and said "ooh, it's wet!" in a fake disgusted way. and he did the leg lift thing again to check it out. then he said "oh, that's just pee. you've never had that?" (btw, at that point he just got back from the bathroom to pee) and i said "well yeah.. but i never showed anyone." and he said "have you never seen your brother's dick?" or something like that. and i said no. then he told me how he used to just put his penis on his brother's shoulder (coz maybe that's just funny?) hahaha.

10. while he was sleeping, i sort of rubbed his head for a second. hahaha. i just couldnt help it. i just wanted to touch him. dont know if he felt that... by the way, it was the head ok? i promised myself i wouldnt touch him inappropriately... unless im sure he wants it. hahaha... but yeah. im proud i resisted the temptation to just hug him real tight while he's sleeping.

11. we had a debate about marriage. he said he doesnt believe in marriage. i then told him about this docu movie bridegroom, about a gay couple... one of them dies and the other one had problems not being recognized as a legal spouse... anyway, he kind of made an absurd joke that gays should not be allowed to marry. i know he was joking and maybe was just trying to see how i would react.

12. there are a lot of things we talked about... family, money, plans. he told me how he might not be able to come back to thailand because of some money issues. i told him if he decides to come back, he can stay with me for a while to save some money. i might have insisted to hard for him to come back coz he said "why does it matter if i come back or not? it's not like im going back to people i know." he probably meant that if he comes back, he will be assigned somewhere else, far away from me or anyone he knows anyway... needless to say, i was hurt, so i just said "yeah, i guess it doesn't." i then clarified that i was just telling him that if he ever decides to come back, and need a temporary place to stay, he can stay with me. he said he appriciates it. and just yesterday... he sent me a msg saying he's decided to come back. yeay!!!

13. the best part (and sort of the worst as well) was when we had to say goodbye. i got him a cab. he gave me the best hug ever: wrapped his arms around me, real tight, and lifted me off the ground. when he let me back down, he said "see you when i see you." i just gave him a weak smile, said nothing. turned around, and walked away. i turned to look at him again through the window of the cab, he waved and smiled. i did the same. at that point, my heart was beating so fast because i didnt know if that was the last time i will see him again, and whether i wasted a chance to let him know i love him. because i do. i am in love with him. i know it is crazy. i didnt even want to admit it at first because i cant believe that i could love him this fast... but i know i just do. and all i wanna do is just hug him..

ok. im thinking, i wont tell him about my feelings. because i kinda like it that he considers me as a friend. and i want that to remain for as long as possible. but i somehow wish he knows he is special to me.

that's it guys. sorry to keep you waiting for this update. and sorry i dont really have anything "interesting" to share. i mean to me, every moment with him is special and ill cherish those moments, but i know this is not the cute story everyone wants to read.

this will probably be my last post in this thread. he will be back in a month. hopefully, he would take my offer and stay with me. if he doesnt, then it's still fine. either way, i might not give any more boring updates. im trying to rest myself in the idea that nothing ever's gonna happen between us, so next time we see each other, i will just, again, try to be a good friend to him
thanks for reading guys!!!

 

Is there a way that i could delete this thread? Thanks!

 

Im sorry. But i need help! It's been just a little more than a month since i last saw him... and i am still soooooo in love... this feeling i have for him is eating me alive. and him not knowing it (officially) only makes it worse. I dont know What to do. Each day i wake up, my feelings for him grow stronger and stronger. i dont even know how that's possible considering i only get small talks with him through facebook these days... i cant get him out of my head!! all those things, his attitude towards me, the way he treats me, him holding my hand, telling me he fancies me... they keep coming back and giving me these (probably) false hopes! Someone please wake me up from this dream... or nightmare even...i like loving him... i like showing it... but i didnt know it's this hard to not know what the real deal is!!! i couldnt even decide whether to send him a msg saying i really miss him or not! Coz i really realy do! I wish i could just be content with just loving him and not expecting anything!!! But him being far from me makes that even harder! I cant even express how i feel!!!

He's coming back on the 6th of May, and i cant wait to see him! I cant wait to hug him tight and tell him how much ive missed him! I offered to pick him up at the airport. Im going to skip work for him...God! Help me please! someone! Tell me to stop! And give me a good reason to... im sorry about my pathetic attitude towards this... i didnt know this was going to be this hard. thanks ec! More power to everyone!

 

Thanks for the reply @Cam65. first, i thought about it really hard, and i decided sending a msg that says "i miss you" will just lead to an awkward situation... so even though i want him to know, i have to realize, he doesnt really have to know. which is sad. because these feelings i think are meant to be expressed, if not through actions then through words. But i just have to deal with this on my own. I can't gather up the courage to let him know while he's far away (for this long) in fear that he won't even want to see me when he gets back. there was actually a point when we told each other "i will miss you" But in a kind of joking manner. He did it first. I was preparing to leave for this 4-day scouts camp with another foreign teacher and he said he will miss me. Didnt think much of it. I assumed he was just joking. at that point, i didnt have feelings for him yet, so i didnt really pay attention to those kinds of things. Anyway, the following week, when it was his turn to go to camp, i told him i will miss him. of course in a joking way... but like i said. I still hadnt really felt anything for him back then (except maybe for some level of friendly compassion) so i was definitely just kidding. God how i wish i could at least joke about missing him. Everything's changed noW.

Im thinking there might be a chance i will tell him about my feelings for him when he gets back. But i havent really planned it. I just think maybe if there's an opportunity, then ill grab it. But i wont push it. He told me he needs to drink himself to a state of happiness, which my stupid mind immediately interpreted as a signal from him, like "hey let's get drunk again and do the stuff we did last time." I know! pathetic me. so im thinking maybe when we're both drunk enough to forget stuff (hahaha), ill tell him or maybe just make a move on him and start from there. Im really scared though. Hope everything turns out fine.

 

I FINALLY TOLD HIM! And i dont know how im feeling right now...

He rejected me of course. We talked for hours about this. He told me how amazing i am blah blah blah, and that he's sorry he doesn't feel the same way. He reassured me that him knowing about this would not change a thing. And i saw him earlier today, and we're actually fine. There was no awkwardness at all. so im thinking that might be true.

Right now basically, i dont know if i am going to be actually fine. I mean, somehow i expected this already... being rejected. But its still really hard. nothing could have prepared me for the pain that comes with rejection. I guess that's because ive wanted this so sooo bad for quite a while. i feel like this is going to become sort of a better kind of friendship though. I mean, saying all these things to him obviously makes me vulnerable, but he is just such an amazing human being. i dont feel like there's a need for me to fear anything at all. on the other hand, i am kind of sad that this thing is finally over for me. It certainly isnt a bad thing that i now know my place in his life and that i can now actually stop hoping that these delusions could translate to reality. It is actually a great thing! I am now free! still, it's just really sad. Feels like a part of me had died. i kind of don't know who i am anymore or what i want. im back to square one. And the funny thing is, ive never really been in any other square. I never left square one. that was just a fantasy.

I should be glad that ive woken up. I just cant help but grieve about this ending. I love him oh so much... i love him!