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Mom's homophobic/racist/conservative boyfriend.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by maselalala, Feb 25, 2015.

  1. maselalala

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    My mom is someone who tries to convey acceptance, tolerance, and coexistence with most of the people she encounters, which made it easier for me to come out to her. She is a wonderful and loving mom, and she always will be. However, almost two months ago, she reconnected with a high-school classmate she's known (They haven't talked in over thirty years). When I first met him, he seemed like a really nice guy who was accepting. However, as I got to know him better, I've started to come to the astonishing realization that he maintains an opinion that has always tugged on my nerve: he strongly believes that homosexuality is a sin. I've always kinda known that he was conservative in his political views, but it was hard for me to hear about his zeal towards the set of morals a lot of people in their generation were raised to believe. My mom loves this man a lot, and she only focuses on how he treats her, but she doesn't seem concerned about the way he treats people that are different than him. Were talking about a man that has hatred towards black people, and refers to them as the N-word behind closed doors. He treats me with respect, and doesn't judge me despite having this opinion about gay people. I know for a fact my mom shuts me down EVERYTIME I told her about my concern. I mean I love her and all, but I am starting to feel like this guy is starting to separate me from my mom. This is a hard time for me especially because she practically raised me, and I'm getting to know my mom, and what these two have in common. I turn 18 in July, and for the few months between April and August, I will be living full time with my dad... One of the biggest forms of opposition I've ever felt in my life. I honestly feel like my hands are tied. I don't know what to do. I don't like the position I'm in. I feel like I'm not as close to my mom as I was used to be, and I honestly feel like I have no one to support me and I have limited options for starting my adult life. I mean I have a plan, but this plan involves me isolating my family.. I need help. What should I do?
     
  2. Gen

    Gen
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    There is a saying that when a child transitions into adulthood the position of a parent switches from primary authority to consultant. You relationship with them becomes much more based on choice rather than necessity. I am not saying this because I believe that cutting ties with family members who bring negativity into your life is something that you will have to do based on this situation. Parents are no less human than the random people that you meet on the street and they are perfectly capable of making mistakes, such as being blinded by love.

    I am highlight this because many parents who hold personal prejudices or have ties to communities or individuals who hold prejudices become much more self-aware when their children reach adulthood. When a child is under the care of a parent, taking the views and concerns of the child into account is a voluntary act. At this point in time, she can shut down the arguments that you raise. This won't be the case for much longer. When you are no longer dependent on her, she will have no choice but to point equally as much effort into making sure that you feel accepted in her household if she wants you to return on holidays. She has to make sure that she is taking your thoughts on various subjects into consideration if she wants you to feel inspired to call from time to time. Etc.

    Although it is absolutely not excusable and I encourage you to continue to make your opinion known about the actions of her partner, it has become so easy to turn a blind eye to prejudices in this world. He is going to have to learn to carry a certain degree of respect when in your presence and she will have to ensure that he does. I can guarantee that when you move out and it begins to settle in that you have control over what environments you wish to subject yourself too; she will be more considerate and flexible on the subject. Until that time comes, it might very well be something that you have to tolerate to the best of your ability.
     
  3. Elendil

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    I'm with Gen. Don't let your mom excuse her boyfriend's gay bashing just because she loves him and doesn't want to rock the boat. Let your opinion be heard. They both need to know that you find his verbal bigotry unacceptable.
     
  4. maselalala

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    Thanks you guys! I am a passionate person, and I probably will stand up for myself. However, I wanna wait until I am in a position where I can move out. And I will approach this in a way I can handle. I do believe that my mom supports me fully and has no problem holding me back. Her boyfriend is also pretty good at hiding his intolerance, and he treats me better than my dad does. But I disagree with some of their beliefs, and I need to stand up for myself. There's so much I gotta do before I'm ready to jump into the real world as ME, not a branch of my family.
     
  5. turtlemom

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    maselalala, are you in any LGBT clubs? I would suggest you start getting involved more in these types of groups so you will have other sources of support. Also you could see if you have a PFLAG group near you for another way to get support. Gather all the support you can find.
     
  6. maselalala

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    I'm currently not at the moment, but there's a couple groups I can think of... One's at my school (I graduate this June so.....) and idk I guess I can do some research..