Well, I'm feeling a lot better today, but it's been several months since my last post--and it's been a very hard several months. It seems like my dysphoria has been getting SO MUCH worse, especially in the past month or so. As of today, I'm feeling pretty okay in my skin. I still feel the desire and need to transition, but it's not as immediate a need. I don't feel like I'm going to punch a hole in the wall if I see my girly face in the mirror one more time. Funnily enough, I think last night (when it got REALLY REALLY BAD) was the first time I actually acknowledged, fully and completely, that I am most likely a transman (or at the very least transmasculine), and that transitioning might be the best option for me. God, that was a terrifying realization. I guess what I'm wondering is if it's a common experience--things get exponentially worse, then slack off? Or even things change on a week-to-week basis? (The back-and-forth is driving me crazy. "Is it all in my head? Am I really feeling the things I think I'm feeling?":bang
I know that feeling, it sucks. I feel that way every time I look in a mirror. I always stare at myself, and look at what I am, then what I should be. I usually just try and distract myself with other things.
I believe you. To me it felt terrifying to understand there was no turning back anymore. I always knew it, kept running away from it. Let's face it : Nobody wants this kind of troubles, to adapt seems easier... However there seems to be a turning point, and then you can't go back, no matter how bad you need to go back. It's common. It changes, of course : Ups and downs. You have to learn to live with it, deal with it, and this new skill takes time and patience. Every experience here seems to be different, it depends on how well you can adapt to changes, how much you can take, and the support you have around. You need to get some kind of support. Everything is in your head. You build your own world inside your head. Look for a LGBT center near you and make an appointment. It could do you a lot of good to talk about this with someone who knows about gender. You are also free to ask us questions, we'll try to help you. Or just share your thoughts, fears... Don't be so afraid. You are not the only one.
Okulous-- I know, right? The problem is when I have free time on my hands. Then I can't seem to stop it. And lately, it's all the time--and it's interfering with the things I need to be doing! :dry: Vodkabaret-- the issue is that I'm in a pretty conservative area, and I can't seem to find any local LGBT centers or therapists. Additionally, I'm on my dad's insurance--and since I haven't told him what's going on yet, I couldn't pay for a therapist even if I could find one. The therapist I'm seeing on campus doesn't seem to have any useful information to give me; she's only dealt with one other trans person, so there's a disappointing lack of experience there. Luckily (as my shrink keeps telling me) I do have a relatively strong support system in my friends and roommates--but none of them have ever been through this, so I'm struggling to find the right way to express myself. I'm thinking about bringing the subject up with my dad soon, in a non-confrontational way-- "Dad, can I talk to you? Blah blah I'm confused Blah gender blah, I think it might be good to see a gender therapist." Thank you for your replies and support.
