1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Do's and Don'ts of Online Dating

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by NewKid87, Feb 11, 2015.

  1. NewKid87

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2015
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    Update: I successfully completed my first date with a guy :eusa_danc

    I didn't get to make out, but I also didn't throw up on myself or say anything absurd, so overall I think it was a good date! We basically just talked - a lot. I'm surprised that I was able to have a sustained conversation for over 5 hours with one person. And he seemed into it. Good drinks and food helped (we wound up staying for dinner). And we also made plans to see each other again at some point in the near future. Even if this goes nowhere, I will have proven to myself that I'm capable of social interactions with guys I'm interested in. Also I was out in public on a gay date, and that didn't bother me in the slightest, so that's a win for me.

    Thanks again for everyone's support!
     
  2. RainbowMan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2012
    Messages:
    618
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    Congrats! I'll get there someday (no one likes inexperienced fat guys :frowning2: )

    Sounds like things went really well. I'd follow up with those other plans sooner rather than later :slight_smile:
     
  3. NewKid87

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2015
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    I wanted to revive this thread again because 1) the people who replied to my queries gave me phenomenal advice and more people will benefit from it, and 2) I felt compelled to bitch and moan provide an update :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    So I've been at this online dating thing for about 3 months. I've gone out with 4 guys. Most dates were pleasant and fun, but nothing noteworthy has happened yet. Some dates were awkward, which is to be expected. One guy vanished after the first date. Another guy sent a "thanks but no thanks" text when I thought things were going great. And last week I met someone online and we really hit it off. I got excited about him in a way that I haven't about anyone else, we made tentative plans to meet this weekend and - he deleted his dating profile. :s

    How To Not Get Discouraged?
    I realize this is all par for the course. I'm curious to hear from people who've done online dating looking for love relationships. Did you find someone special, and how long did it take? And when you got frustrated, what did you do to prevent getting discouraged?

    How To Admit Inexperience?
    Also, for some reason this is an almost insurmountable hurdle for me: I find it extremely difficult to tell my dates that I only came out 5 months ago (and have only ever had heterosexual sex). I feel like my inexperience makes me unattractive boyfriend material. I don't know why, but admitting that I'm new to the scene creates a level of vulnerability that makes me feel like I'm big loser with a terrible secret. But if I'm unable to share personal things with the people I'm dating, then I'm doomed before I even begin. So: What's the best and fastest way to get that unpleasantness out of the way? Should I just write on my dating profile that I came out 5 months ago, that way I ensure that I only get contacted by people for whom my inexperience doesn't matter? Should I lie or evade the topic? All advice welcome!

    And thanks! :slight_smile:
     
    #23 NewKid87, May 28, 2015
    Last edited: May 28, 2015
  4. Christiaan

    Christiaan Guest

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2012
    Messages:
    745
    Likes Received:
    1
    First, it's actually shockingly easy to get cheap, quick sex. The thing is, guys who are into that are really terrified of the prospect of getting involved with someone. Unfortunately, they are rampant at dating sites, so if you say that you even want to exchange names, you cut down your prospects considerably. That is why HIV is so rampant. Sex ends up being so easy to get that you sort of get tired of it.

    Now, I am going to come out in support of older men, at least for your first dating experience. They can actually be very affectionate, and they are a lot less likely to be all macho. If you are really wanting experience with a gentleman, an older guy can really give you a good experience. I'm afraid that younger guys can sometimes be jerks. Just look at some of the adverts on the dating sites, and the 20-somethings are often talking a lot of shit and really have a lot more ego than intelligence. The thing is, the younger guys might be more attractive, but what happens when you are up against a guy who really doesn't know what he's doing but thinks he knows everything, you get rectal tears, bleeding, pain, and a lot of unpleasant sensations, and the guy who is causing you this pain is convinced that it's your fault, somehow, or must be normal. A lot of ego plus youthful inexperience is nothing but a large source of aggravation. I am not saying that young guys are always jerks, but experience and age tends to even a person out. For casual dating, I prefer a guy in his 60's, and I'm actually experienced.

    Anyway, the main rules I would suggest are this.

    Do not date a guy who is not willing to demonstrate that he is drug and disease-free, abbreviated DDF. A lot of guys who don't know may SAY they are DDF, but that's no guarantee. You make sure that you see a recent paper that shows he's certifiably clean, and come with your own. You do not want these diseases. They are a gigantic waste of your time, a colossal aggravation, and can seriously cut your life short. Some of them, HIV being one, are associated with a form of dementia that you don't even want to know about.

    The main rule that you should keep in mind, though, is be patient. As it is, you have a very long life ahead of you. You are young. If you lose your patience and engage in unwise conduct, you'll soon find that time is no longer on your side. Take the time to get engaged with your local community, make friends before sexual partners, and take time to really enjoy your life.
     
    #24 Christiaan, May 29, 2015
    Last edited: May 29, 2015
  5. arken1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2014
    Messages:
    93
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    WA, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Being in the same boat as you in that I'm new to gay relationships/sex, I can tell you that the handful of guys I've talked to (by chat, phone, or in person) have been very surprised when they've found out I've never been with a guy at my age. No one has reacted with "oh, pffffft, yeah that's common." I haven't had any majorly negative reactions, but I have had someone try to tell me why I haven't yet - as if someone on a phone knows me, ugh! But, a good guy won't end your dating just because of inexperience, at least that's my hope. Just remember, most guys who are on a dating site are not like us, and have been out of the closet a decent amount of time. My approach is this: don't mention anything about your experience in your profile. Be honest, say what you're looking for, and mention how you want to build a relationship (for me, it's as friends, then see what happens). If it goes that way, no friend will walk away from you because you're inexperienced. Also, I do not want the first impression I give someone to be "I'm new". I am much more of a person than that. I want someone to get to know ME, then if we like each other and we decide to be intimate, that's icing on the cake. However, be prepared for this to come up once you start meeting or talking on the phone. And when it does, be honest. Hopefully it's not the first thing someone cares to ask you. Hopefully you have several phone calls or a few dates before then. Just let it happen naturally, and don't force it too soon nor shy away from the topic when it appears.

    I have met about 4 guys as well, but I have had more than the simple exchange of pleasantries with probably 10 or so (phone calls or texts). From who I met, either I wasn't interested, the other was interested, he went back with his EX-casual partner (yikes!! that was close!) or we are still "friends" because the guy realized he was moving too quickly and needed to do an emotional reboot after his EX (not a bad thing, he decided not to be quick this time like his previous 2 failed relationships -- i'm actually happy for that and hoping we end up going somewhere with it in the coming months). And that's the kicker. You can't just rush it. I wanted to so badly with this last guy, but I truly believe he saw himself making another mistake by not taking things slow. We need to make friends in our community (as Christiaan said). You've made it this long without a b/f, give yourself a bit more to do it right. Don't be like my current friend/potential future-b/f and just jump into things with someone. It takes TIME to get to know someone. I have personal friends I've known for 5-6 years and I don't know everything about them (as a rough comparison)!

    I think we will know when we've found someone worth the time investment. It might be months of dating, might be more/less, but it's not going to happen overnight. Even if there's mutual interest, emotions evolve at different rates and take time to build to the level I think we are both looking for (NOT casual encounters).
     
    #25 arken1, May 31, 2015
    Last edited: May 31, 2015