Hello again... Well we are coming up on our 4th month of dating. I finally got to stay over at his place a few nights ago. We have never had sex. He is not ready. He says he doesn't even know if sex is something he will ever want. My problem is he doesn't want to commit yet. He says he really likes me and loves to be around me. But, I am wondering is this because he is not out... or am I wasting my time on someone who just doesn't want a relationship. He says he is fine only seeing me like once or twice a week. Yet, he wants to be in contact from morning to night via the phone. I haven't been able to sleep at all. I just don't know what I should do. My feelings are advancing at a normal rate ( I feel ). But, he is moving on a different pace than I. I need some advice. Badly. Part of me feels like I should let him go and be free. The other part of me wants to stick this through and see what could happen. We have been through a lot together and he just recently moved back here after being gone/ commuting for over a month. While he was on vacation all he ever said was I wish you were here and i miss you so much and I feel like I am getting mixed signals from him...i don't know if that is because he has never had a relationship before (at 23) or idk. I jsut don't know. I am so torn it is unbelievable....
Your boyfriend sounds a lot like me during my first relationship. When you're used to not being in one for so long, you need time and space to still be you. When I was in my late teens and early 20s I had a lot of girls complain to me about their boyfriends being exactly like this. Also, 4 months to me seems like a long time to go without sexual activity. Are you okay with this or would you rather you both be sexually active? Have you kissed, made out (or more?). It may be he feels self conscious about sex. Perhaps easing him in, going a bit further each time will help.
Whatever you decide, you need to understand that what you are living now is not acceptable. You have been together 4 months, this is too long to be kept waiting and too long to be kept in the dark about his intentions. As for the sex part, well, another majorly big issue... Hoping and wishing will not move this forward. You seem to be at the stage where any positive move on his part will be magnified 10-fold and every negative is somewhat ignored. You have feelings for him, and these are clouding your judgment. He may say he misses you, but he has to back it up with concrete actions, and if he isn't willing to go there, you may have to consider leaving; not as a threat, and it doesn't mean anything wrong with either of you...just simple incompatibility, which is nobody's fault.
We have made out. We have had some sexual activity. But not much. We do have an intense attraction towards each other. Just he isn't really comfortable with actual sex or even oral. He doesn't know why. But, he is just that way. We have slowly done things. The fact is, he isn't my boyfriend. We have just been dating. He just graduated and was gone for a month and now moved back here for his job. he finally has a place to where I can come over to and stay. He has a lot of anxiety about the whole being gay thing. I am wondering if him not committing is just another part of that anxiety. i know my judgement is clouded. I am well aware...that is why I am so torn between what I should do. The whole sexual aspect of the relationship is the least of my worries. I just wonder if I should live my life and let him be the one who makes the plans and such. See if he comes to me. I feel as if I am done trying to come to him. Make plans etc... Guitar- what changed in your relationships? did you slowly start to give more time to someone? or did you just have to start a new relationship.
This first... Keep that in mind at all times. This is a form of being in control of the relationship, I've been there for a few short times and I know how it works. Those guys tend to be pretty insecure underneath, and need to feel they are in control at all times. The way you have contact (and how often you do) should be decided by both of you, not by him. I'd try to put some distance, which would also be beneficial for you. Or to confront him and see how he reacts, but be careful with this guy. Doesn't sound like mr. nice at all. Take care, and be careful (*hug*)
The weird thing is he is a really nice guy. He is awesome. He is not the controlling type. yet, he is insecure and to make himself feel secure with all this he holds all the cards in his hands. I have been thinking about distancing myself, pulling back and seeing what he does. You think that is a good idea.
I would sit down with him & ask him outright: is he looking for something more long term or does he just want to be friends? I've done this twice in my life when I was in your situation, once the guy wanted a relationship and didn't know that was how I felt, the other time he just wanted to be friends and didn't know I had even considered a relationship with him. Sometimes guys just need time to mature and figure out his feelings toward homosexuality. I'm getting the impression but what you're saying he's just not there yet. As far as what changed in my own relationships, I'm not really sure. Basically over time I just matured and starting looking toward something long term instead of just hanging out & being friends.
I advise against dating someone in the closet. I think it can only get worse, and lead to a point where either you are giving him ultimatums or you are letting yourself be treated with less respect than you deserve -- and eventually you'll start believing that this is all your deserve. Don't give him an ultimatum, but just let him know that you've decided that you want to be with someone who is out. That you really like him, and if he comes out at some point maybe there might be something, but it is what it is so now you have to do what is right for you. I'm not saying that it won't hurt, but you will go through a LOT more pain the longer you let this situation go on.
he just thinks that he can't have his own time and be in a relationship. He has made steps in coming out. He told his brother. I told him that he can still have his own time. But, true, he needs to mature more, deff. But, he doesn't want to be just friends. He wants me to be his babe. He wants to kiss me and see me. He is really a sweet guy. I may have put too much pressure on him. I think I am going to give it a little more time.
I just read this thread for the first time and it is heartbreaking. I so reads like the O.P's "Boyfriend" was using him as a sounding board or a "Therapist Gratis" rather than a truelove interest. Too many gay men are forced to remain closeted for too many obvious reasons and it affects them in so many negative ways psychologically.
I feel for you, I am struggling with this as well, except I have found myself getting excited about little boys, all i can think of all day. Is this normal, i mean me getting turned on by little kids? Advice please?
That is definitely not normal... I would suggest seeing a therapist about that, and of course don't act on those feelings since it's illegal.
No, I've never thought about little boys, and no it's not normal.Apart from being illegal it would be absolutely devastating to any boy if you acting this out and would destroy their lives. I know too many people traumatised by having had sex at a young age with older men, and indeed 2 that committed suicide as a result. Get some therapy as this likely stems from some deep traumatic event in your own past. Alice Miller has written about this type of dynamic in 'For your own good', but more specifically elsewhere. She overturned how we understand why people have such fantasies.
