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Is it fair for me to be suspicious?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by bornthiswaybby, Feb 5, 2015.

  1. bornthiswaybby

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    I was just speaking on skype with a guy I've been seeing and in the midst of the conversation I heard his younger, 8 year old sister, say "Is that ______ (insert male name)"... He said "No". To my understanding, he doesn't have long extended skype calls with other men. So I of course panicked. I later asked "who did your sister think you were talking to?" and he pretended that she never said anything. He was like "she didn't even say that". I'm now suspicious and worried because I obviously don't want other guys in the picture, but since we're not an official relationship there isn't much I can do. At the same time, I value myself to the point where I will not sit and allow a guy to string me along for this period of time (few months) and still be considering other guys. SO... I have no clue what to do. Am I overreacting, or do I have a right to worry? I asked him and he wouldn't tell me anything so that makes me even more suspicious.

    However, at the same time, if another guy is in the picture he is certainly not as important as me so it seems. Ex. Valentine's Day is being spent with me so that must say something. I don't know what to think.
     
  2. EpicConfusion

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    At first, I would have thought that it may have been a male relative or something, maybe even a friend. The fact that he ignored it and offered no explanation makes it suspicious in my opinion.
     
  3. 0Marionette0

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    I would be suspicious too. But maybe he ignored it because he would much rather be with you. After all, she is only an 8 year old. Maybe he had a breakup a while ago or something and she meant his name?
     
  4. Chip

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    If you're certain you heard his sister make mention of another male name, and he flatly denied that that happened, you have a serious problem. Regardless of who the other person is, you have someone who isn't willing to be authentic with you.

    If it were me, that would be a dealbreaker.
     
  5. bornthiswaybby

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    It just hurts because I've been so hopeful about him. He just hasn't been putting the effort I've been putting in and then this happened and he's been really short with me lately and I just don't know what's going on. He truly is incredible as a person, he's very respectful, outgoing, humble, he has improved me as a person. He inspires me to be a more positively impacting person. I just need more from him. Effort, honestly and even vulnerability would be nice. I know he's not happy at all times and I want to be there for him, he just doesn't give me the opportunity. I know above, Chip, you said that would be a dealbreaker. I just really don't think I'll ever meet a guy as incredibly beautiful (I'm talking about his personality primarily, his looks are amazing as well) as him, and I don't want this to be messed up. I think I have to discuss things with him, but I feel as though discussing them may ruin things even more.

    I'd also like to clarify that I can't guarantee that I heard this, but I am 90% certain. I don't know what to do because I really, really like him and I do not want to lose him.
     
  6. Chip

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    The idea you'll never find anyone else like him is dangerous; it means that your self-esteem is in the toilet. There are so many people out there, particularly when (as it appears) you're willing to consider a long-distance relationship.

    If he's not showing interest, not putting in as much effort, not owning what happened with the thing with his sister, and he's being really short... it sounds like he's already checked out.

    I think it's time to call out the elephant in the room. Ask him if he's losing interest, if he wants to continue, and tell him it feels like he's detached, and then ask him if he wants to end it. That will either put the relationship out of its misery, or it will call his attention to the way he's behaving and encourage change.
     
  7. scub

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    i think that depends on how long the relationship has been going on. OP is this a guy who you just started talking to? otherwise i would tend to agree with Chip. based on your age, can't be very long lol.. you are young, plenty of goodies will come around. if you had been in a relationship for years, then i can understand feeling that way.
     
    #7 scub, Feb 7, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2015
  8. bornthiswaybby

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    Yes, you're completely right. My self esteem is deep in the toilet. And our relationship isnt really long distance, he's a couple hours away driving so its not horrible. I'm gonna talk to him soon about things.

    We've been seeing each other for 2 months, not labelled anything yet unfortunately. I understand you guys thinking my whole "I'll never find anyone like him" is low self esteem or whatever, but what I'm trying to say is that I have never even met anyone as incredible and beautiful as him. He's an amazing human being. Genuinely kind. That's why I say that.
     
  9. Chip

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    Not to belittle your experience but how many relationships, online or otherwise, have you been in? It's quite common that the first person you connect with on a deep level to feel like the best, most amazing person ever, and you'll never find anyone like him or her.

    Most people figure out, after they've had a couple of relationships, that there are plenty of wonderful people and that each experience is different and you can't really compare one to another.
     
  10. bornthiswaybby

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    I've had a boyfriend and I've dated a few others before this guy. I know what you're saying because with my ex boyfriend I was head over heels although he belittled me quite often so I'm actually putting effort in now to being conscious as to what's wrong and what's right. Which is why I actually spoke up about this situation directly to him (I would have never done that to my ex). This guy really is incredible though he's sweet and outgoing and he's just very well rounded.
     
  11. MrSkittles

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    The way you described it I would be suspicious.
     
  12. bornthiswaybby

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    Found out that other guys are in the picture and I asked him to take the next step (exclusivity/monogamy) and he didn't want to. Not sure where it goes from here because I need exclusivity.
     
  13. cm1092

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    You need and deserve exclusivity bornthiswaybby. Please listen to that and believe it, just look after yourself! I know exactly the feeling you have, you've gone through profile after profile online dating and then out of nowhere your suddenly messaging and skyping (etc) with what seems like the most amazing person you've ever met. The problem is that if (and obviously it's now proven to be here) something is wrong, we look for all the excuses why things aren't really that way and that they're still this perfect person with a great personality.

    You tell him now it's monogamy with you or he's going to lose you. It's the absolute least you (and anyone!) deserves from a relationship or any situation where your both effectively seeing each other. I learnt the hard way by insisting that the guy I was with was still perfect and I used this perfect image I had of him in my head, and how I wanted him to be, rather than looking at what he was actually doing. Until I stumbled upon the hard evidence that he was cheating I still insisted on pointing out that he was the right guy for me.. But I always had this gut instinct that something wasn't right and you always always have to go with that!!

    By all means read my thread from when it happened to me not so long ago - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/family-friends-relationships/166820-moving-cheating-boyfriend.html. It's not the same situation but it's very similar in that other guys are involved and all I kept thinking was how can I 'fix that' rather than looking for someone that would treat me right and would never introduce other guys into the equation. It's hard to move on from someone, I know. But, if he does refuse to monogamy, I promise you it's the option that will ultimately make you happiest in future :slight_smile:
     
    #13 cm1092, Feb 17, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2015
  14. EpicConfusion

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    I guess you'll just have to move on unfortunately :/ It's a shame. You are not at all unreasonable for expecting exclusiveness.