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Consumed with guilt!!!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by kcde3314, Feb 1, 2015.

  1. kcde3314

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    Hello everyone, I have known since I was a little girl that I was gay, however as so many familiar stories go, I was raised by super religious christian parents (we didn't even celebrate Halloween) and I was sheltered. The first man that came along, I married at a fairly young age. Don't get me wrong, he and I got along decent and were good friends, but that was it. I absolutely hated the sex and mentally blocked it out when it happened just to get through it. I also tried blocking out that I was a lesbian, terrified of upsetting my parents and God. That was then, I'm nearly 36 now, with 2 kids and divorced, living with my girlfriend/fiance/life partner/soulmate and we have our own happy little family. My kids even call her "mommy K" and proudly declare they have two moms. Our daughter is 10, son is 6 and they fully accept that I'm gay. There's just one problem: I feel tremendous guilt for leaving my ex husband, he is all alone, lost Hus family and only sees his kids once a week, usually every weekend. He's a depressed type of person with few friends, and a loner and he loved me very much and its not his fault his wife was gay all along. He did say that he knew something wasn't right and had acsuspicion for several years that I was gay, and it turns out he was right. I do miss him at times, he was my friend. I just live with guilt... Anyone else going through a similar situation?????
     
  2. OOC73

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    Do you still get along with your ex husband? Is it possible to include him more in your family life?

    I think it's awesome that your kids are so accepting - and everyone understands the situation.

    I haven't left my husband, nor am I likely to unless the most amazing woman in the world happens along. There are two reasons for this. The first, is that we actually still really like each other and want to continue to co-parent for as long as is possible. I'm the product of a long line of divorces and whilst I know it's much more acceptable for children to have separate parents, unless it's necessary then we might as well stay as we are and keep the kids in a stable environment for as long as we can. The other reason is financial.

    It might ease your guilt somewhat if you can fit ex-H in to the kids lives a bit more? Maybe have him come by for dinner some week nights or in time to read the kids a story and tuck them into bed?

    I don't know if this is viable for you guys but if it is it could potentially benefit all of you. The kids get to spend more time with Dad, and vice versa, you get to not feel so bad, and your kids get to see how this situation can evolve into something even better than they had before, now they have three parents all working together in their best interests :slight_smile:

    Don't know if your situation allows for it, but just something you could consider :slight_smile:
     
    #2 OOC73, Feb 2, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2015
  3. JT7314

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    you could try to be friends with him if you guys do still get along. Maybe figure out a way to help him cope and get through. Maybe help him try to date???
     
  4. HunGuy

    HunGuy Guest

    I'm happy that your kids are okay with you and you partner. But your ex-husband's current situation is not your fault. You were coerced in one way or another into a heterosexual relationship by the expectations of your social circles and their beliefs. If anyone is responsible for this situation, they are.
    But on the upside you have two great kids, who accept you.
     
  5. looking for me

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    have you suggested counseling or therapy for your ex? you say he is depressed and this could help him in addition to the other good advise that you have gotten on this thread.

    i will agree that this is not your fault, we are all responsible for our own well being, as you have done. he, perhaps, needs to get a handle on the depression and then he can move forward with his life.
     
  6. Linux Lenny

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    It's not your fault, it's not his. it's the fault of your family and your society. They are the ones to blame.

    As others suggested, you could be friend with him and try to stay close to him :slight_smile:
     
  7. kcde3314

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    Thanks everyone, I appreciate the comments! He and I live an hour apart and its hard to see involve him, he wants no part .. He just feels sad around me. He has insurance but won't get counseling or therapy.. He also has a drinking problem and won't get help or reach out. He has to help himself, I can't do it for him. I've encouraged him to get help but he won't :frowning2:
     
  8. PrairieRachel

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    Very sad but I see much of this. Life is not always what we want as we know. Guilt should have no part in your life. Compassion I understand but let the guilt go it is not yours to bear.
    You can only help people who want help. It is a shame to face what He has faced but you faced much over the years and gave this fine Man 2 wonderful children and endured years of a lie also.
    He needs to get help and move on and it is not your guilt that will help Him, your children or you! Be strong, be civil and just speak the truth in love. It will work out!