I’m a gay guy who was out back home in New Mexico, but ever since I moved to California have remained in the closet which has been easy since no one here knows anyone back there. For the past 7 months I have been working with this guy who I have felt a chemistry with, but who is straight. Yet I have several reasons for believing him to be gay, for one he's HOT but has only had 1 or 2 relationships with girls and the girls he does flirt with never go anywhere. Not only that but I pick up on clues daily that he’s interested in me. Even the very first time we saw each other at opposite ends of a long hallway, he was walking by saw me down the hall and actually took a step back to do a double take. Over the past few months things have intensified between us, TONS of lingering eye contact, he would come sit by my desk and pull his chair up so close against mine that if it were anyone else I would move back. It had got so intense at one point I decided to come out to him, which he said he was glad I did. When that was all he had to say about it, I expected things to change between us but despite this new revelation, the flirting continued. Until one day I couldn’t take it anymore and basically told him, via text, that we should just fuck and get it over with. He said he was flattered but that it wasn’t really his cup of tea. That put a little strain on our relationship, although the flirting at work continued, he stopped hanging out with me, and texting me which had me completely confused. However things this past week have taken a strange turn, he has recently been hanging out and dating this girl but he was telling me he’s not that into her. So with him dating this girl I decided to start dating myself, which I made him aware so he could see that I’m trying to move on. Every time I would talk about this guy I’m dating he would get noticeably upset about it. His voice would soften and he wouldn’t look at me. Well his entire demeanor the first few days last week was completely off, it was almost as if he was depressed. He was saying he couldn’t sleep, and you could just hear in his voice that something is clearly bothering him. Yet our connection has reached new heights, now every time we make eye contact his lifts his eyebrows, and he’s back to sitting really close to me at work. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of this past week he stayed late working even though he’s supposed to leave an hour earlier than I do. He even mentioned how he had to cancel plans with the girl he was seeing to get everything done. The thing is that the work he was doing could have waited till the next day, AND shouldn’t have taken him as long to do as it did. Thursday night the same thing happened. At this point I was so convinced that he was not only interested in me, but has feelings for that I would have staked my life on it. The problem is he won’t do anything about it, he could invite me over for a movie, or tell me how he’s feeling, or just make a move but he doesn’t. So that again has me confused as hell. Friday night was the same story with him working late. Every night him and I are supposed to work on an End of Day report together, something that recently became his responsibility. When he took over this report he asked me at least three times if we could still go over together at the end of the night. That night he typed up the report on his laptop and then asked me to come look it over. Instead of handing me his laptop, or turning it so it was facing me, he turned his laptop away from me and said here. He did the same thing the night before which I read as him not wanting me to look at his computer so I just reviewed it on my desktop since it’s a google doc. Friday night however my internet was mysteriously down even though his wifi was working fine. So when he turned his computer away it forced me to move my chair so close to his that our faces were inches from each other, and he didn’t move a hair and we sat like that for 15 minutes while he made irrelevant changes an obvious ploy to draw out this task. I then was completely baffled, why would he go to those lengths to get me close to him and not make a move. Surely he must know that I can’t make a move anymore, I had already crossed a line that I was grateful he didn’t report me for, and he had already turned me down, surely he must know that making another move on my part is a VERY risky venture whereas he knows if he made a move I would be all for it. Then I remembered something my friend told me once, straight guys don’t make the first move because then it means that they are gay, but if the other guy makes the first move then they were just getting taken advantage of. When I considered that, everything started making more sense. So come Monday I’m thinking about taking the plunge and kissing him should this same scenario play out. Are there any straight guys on here that could give me some insight into this, is it different if you make the move as opposed to the other guy? Do you think he’s waiting for me to make the move? Why won’t he hang out with me outside of work? Should I kiss him? I'm going crazy here, I've tried to give up on him, I've tried to avoid eye contact or any flirting whatsoever but when I do that he just gets sad and tries harder to get my attention. I would like this to either move forward or stop completely because I can't continue like this. Any information would be very helpful and greatly appreciated.
I am going to have to advise against taking the plunge on this one. The problem with attempting something physical with someone who isn't at least somewhat secure with their orientation is that a negative aftermath is almost guaranteed. He might have those desires and he might give into them in the moment, but that will be a moment that he will later regret if he is still in denial. Personally, I would recommend ending all expectations that you have for something to come of this. It doesn't mean that there aren't possibility, nor that those possibilities could never become realities. There are just not things that will ever be within your control. Regardless of whether we analysis every action that he makes, it doesn't change the fact that whether or not anything will come of this is completely up to him.
Thanks for the response, that is some sage advice. Normally I would wait for him to make the move except I now firmly believe, based on his recent behavior that he WANTS me to make a move. I guess what I'm asking is if that makes sense to anyone else. Could you want someone else to make a move on you, even go out of your way to set up the opportunity for them, but be unwilling to cross that line yourself?
I agree with Gen. You're likely dealing with someone who is in the early stages of coming to terms with his sexuality. I don't think he's really waiting for you to make a move; I think he is very, very conflicted and torn, with part of him resisting the attraction to you with every cell of his body, and another part of him feeling the draw. The problem is, if you simply go for it, even if he agrees, he will likely feel really dirty and guilty afterward, and that will make things really awkward and uncomfortable. So the tough part here is you may have to wait... perhaps for a long time. The one step you might be able to take is to make a simple, noncommital, throwaway statement at some point, maybe something like "Hey, I'm clear on what you said, but I just want you to know that if you ever did decide to try something with a guy, you can let me know because I'd definitely be down for it." And then just let it drop completely unless he follows up.
So come Monday night, when we are working on our EOD and he goes to bizarre lengths to lure me in so close to him that I can feel his warm breath on my cheek as we sit there for 10-15 minutes working on this document all the while seeing him looking at me out of the corner of my eye, what am I supposed to do with that? Nothing? Just pretend like there isn't this palpable emotional connection between us, because there is. I know for a fact this guy has lost sleep over me, and I know he wants something more. He has done everything short of asking for it. Why shouldn't I let him off the hook at that point and give him what he wants? I'm not stupid or blind, I've weighed and vetted our situation for the past seven months. We've had a far different interaction with each other than I have had with anyone else gay or straight. The way we are CONSTANTLY staring into each other's eyes, and the way he was upset for 3 days after I told him about the other guy. I understand he may freak out, but so does everyone after they've had their first experience, but he has to have it at some point. Believe me I'm not trying to force anyone to do what they aren't ready for, but I'd stake my life...and clearly my job on the belief that he is ready. I could tell he wasn't always ready, but I can see we've gotten to the point where now he is. I'm simply trying to understand his point of view a little which is why i'm looking for someone who can more closely relate to his situation to help give me some perspective just so I can say I've covered all my bases.
I understand your frustration entirely, but Chip's advice is spot on. This guy is conflicted, presumably both unconsciously and consciously. You interpret his behavior as him wanting something more but not making the first move, but I don't think that's the case. He wants something on one level, but on another, he doesn't, at all. He's in complete denial, and all he can allow himself unconsciously is this vague physical and emotional intimacy that can still be interpreted as "platonic". He's not asking for anything more, as he's made it clear when he texted you, and you have to accept that. He sounds like a very confused person, which makes it natural that you'd be confused about it as well. I second Chip's advice to let him know casually and lightly that if he wants something more, you'd be up for it. Then stop with the intense flirting completely. Treat him as a normal colleague. I know you like his attention, and it's hard to stop, but it's probably for the best. If what you say is true about him being ready this time, then he will make the move. So why has he not made the move? You can't accept that he's not ready or that he's utterly confused, so you're trying to find other answers, but honestly, I don't think you will find any other plausible response. This kind of situation happens all the time, unfortunately. Try to move on.
Have you all forgotten this story? http://emptyclosets.com/forum/comin...i-went-straight-gay-span-just-few-months.html Do you think he wishes he had never been kissed by his housemate? My old boss landed his straight boyfriend by taking control and pushing him up against a wall and kissing him, the guy told him no at first but my boss went in again...now they are engaged. This is why i want to hear from QUESTIONING STRAIGHT GUYS...any one who is already openly gay cannot give me the perspective I'm looking for. I cannot give our situation the justice it deserves in just a few paragraphs, I know what I'm experiencing at this point and I'm not asking if I'm right or wrong. What I'm trying to understand is WHY he is wanting me to make the first move. My theory behind that reasoning is if he WERE to make the first move it would mean that he's gay regardless of whether he likes it or not, and he can't ever take that back. Whereas if I make the first move it gives him the opportunity to test drive the experience, if he likes it then maybe we can go further with our relationship, but if he doesn't like it then he still walks away smelling like roses.
That's.... That's sexual assault. Its fantastic that they're together now, but that's definetly assault, and just a few key steps below rape. You cant force someone who's questioning to accept themselves by placing them in a situation where they have little control over the outcome. I think were all qualified to give our opinions and advice, because we were all questioning at one point. And a lot of us went through the stage where, if someone of the same gender would have asked to kiss/start something with us, we probably would have experimented and said yes. We would have said yes even though we were being torn up inside. I know Im not even male, and If anything I lean toward being a lesbian, but I just thought I'd give my two thoughts. I agree completly with the other posters. Coming out to him if you havn't yet. Telling him that if he wants something more youd love to give it to him, then leaving him in controll. Kissing him without his permission could leave him feeling upset, violated, or dirty. Id suggest maybe even getting his number so you guys could just talk and get closer. Even if he doesnt want a lover, he might like a friend. Best of luck to you though. (*hug*)
I'll go against everyone else's advice. Kiss him. Just be ready for any outcome, which you seem to be. Good luck.
Justin is still active here. You could post on his wall and ask him yourself. His situation is a lot more nuanced, and he went through an awful lot of emotional pain while trying to process that whole experience. He also had EC and the advisor team to talk to. Your friend does not. Those stories are rare, and most of them are made up. It happens, but rarely. Additionally, your boss going in again after his "boyfriend" said no... is just wrong, regardless of the outcome. In fact, it would be sexual assault in most states. You don't know that he wants you to make the first move. As has been discussed above, most likely he is struggling with his denial, and your theory, honestly, is bullshit rationalization. It's already been addressed. While it might be true in a rare minority of cases, the most likely outcome of doing what you are proposing is that, even if he goes along with it, he'll come away confused, hurt, and bewildered, because he hasn't really had time to process and come to terms with his feelings. People give mixed messages because they are unclear on what they want. Taking advantage of people who are unsure is not OK. It honestly sounds like you want permission to violate his boundaries, and you aren't going to get it from most of the people here, because it isn't OK to do. Uh, no. It doesn't work that way. More likely, he'd walk away confused and upset and questioning everything about himself. This can spiral people into a deep depression if it happens before they are ready.
