why am I figuring this out so late

Hi,

Welcome.

You are as common as blades of grass in a pasture.

Some consciously deny their sexuality, others deny it subconsciously with rationalizations like yours.

Sooner or later it surfaces and must be resolved.

Keep posting.

Tom

 

Hi perplicatus, welcome to EC!

I was in Raleigh back in September of last year, nice town!

It is absolutely helpful to realize just how normal your path to acceptance has been so far, and to indeed acknowledge that your thoughts and feelings are very much in line with those of us who have been there. I also had that "just find the right woman" illusion, right up to the point where I simply could not see myself anymore in such a relationship.

True indeed that the road to the kind of happiness I have enjoyed since I came out to myself almost 2 years ago is very much linked to being who you are, without fear and with complete acceptance.

Welcome to EC, and welcome to yourself! As with any stranger, be kind to the new person that you are, be patient with this "becoming yourself" business, it won't happen overnight...in the meantime enjoy the ride with us on this great adventure, you won't be disappointed!

 

It definitely is a good start to discuss sexuality with your therapist; try also addressing these control issues, these are mainly about anxiety which has no doubt also had its hand in keeping you closeted.

The counseling sessions are supposed to be a safe place to let loose a little, the counselor is not there to judge you, so take maximum advantage of your time there to let go a little...where it goes could be very interesting.

 

Hi perplicatus

I think it is important to take a step at a time, maybe explore and try to go on a date/talk to few men, without it necessarily carrying the weight of meaning relating to your whole identity.
It takes time to put things into practice. A lot of the time it feels like heavy work, because once we realise our difference, we will feel obliged to act. Given this it is sometimes easier to deny our sexuality, rather than abandon our secure place in the world. This is what I did, because I did not want to loose the security the status quo gave me.

I think having had alcoholic parents could play a role in all this as well. I had an alcoholic father and I know it made me seek security first and foremost, and it made me partially deny my sexuality for a while.
It is plausible that this would extend your denial period as well.

 

Perplicatus,

First, welcome. I'm glad you joined us here; it's not easy to post, no matter how anonymous the message board is.

Second, I don't think you're late. We're the same age, so please don't call that "late."

Instead of thinking about how you might have been in denial in the past, think about how much exploration and self-actualisation await. You've just made a huge leap forward in psychological growth. It's an enviable step that some people never take. And I'm especially impressed that you've already talked with two friends.

Greatwhale, as always, had sound advise. There are a lot of gay-friendly therapists in the RTP area (I went to school there.) You need not see an actual gay therapists; there are many who are familiar with coming-out issues. You might just want to look online and see who takes your insurance and who mentions sexuality and/or gay and lesbian issues in their areas of expertise.

Like others, I can relate to the notion of "waiting for the right woman," or thinking that I was just so scholarly that I wasn't interested in romance. And I also had the "envy" idea: I just admired guys who looked better than I did.

I often use the term "special snowflake" in a derogatory sense. I hope you don't mean it that way. Seek comfort in knowing that so many of us can identify with your feelings, and we are here to help you along. But everyone has his or her own story to tell.

p.s. Eat at "Second Empire" in Raleigh if you ever have the chance.

 

Hi, perplicatus!

Welcome! Boy, does this sound a lot like myself last year. I hope it goes well with your therapist today.

I've also had some things to deal with re: control and anxiety. And dealing with questions of my sexuality have helped those quite a lot.

 

I really envy the people who not only know who they are but have the strength and confidence to make it so. It wasn't so for me. I knew but I denied and hid from myself and in ways, I'm still doing it. Perplicatus, I think you know but need to venture forth, which isn't easy. I hope that in Raleigh there is a supportive gay community you can start to participate in.

 

My suggestion for your next step? Try it on.

Spend the next week or so assuming you're gay. You don't have to tell anybody what you're doing. But just go through your day assuming you're gay. Look in the mirror every morning and say "I'm gay" to yourself. Feel free to think "gay thoughts", whatever you think they might be. If you see an attractive guy, feel free to (surreptitiously) check him out. If you watch gay porn, go whole hog into it. If you just fantasize, go nuts with it. Don't tiptoe into it with the mindset of "Isn't it terrible that I might actually like to kiss a guy?" Tear off all the restraints. "I'd love to have a guy here, and do this and that with him." And when you're done, don't immediately retreat back into your shell. Feel free to sit there, with your sticky hands, and think how awesome that was.

Give it a try. See how it feels.

Lex

 

You could be figuring this out later. I only accepted that I'm gay shortly after joining EC at the tender age of 42...

One issue for me was probably just the era I grew up in. That era was considerably less accepting of LGBT people. It was also a scary time with the AIDS crisis (and AIDS then was pretty much a "gay" disease), which gave incentive to not be gay. It also didn't help that I had a limited understanding of sexuality and sexual attraction when puberty hit, and by the time I did understand those concepts, I had been so thoroughly programmed by society that "gay is bad". Indeed, when I first joined EC, I honestly wondered about the-then 13 year olds here. How could they know they were gay at 13? Then, it slowly dawned on me that at 13 I had plenty of clues that I was gay. It's just that the era--and my experience--were so much different than what many teenagers experience today.

No matter. I have some regrets that I didn't know and accept sooner, but I figure it's better late than never.

 

I've been thinking about how to express all of this. Thank you.

Someone said, wait, you grew up in a suburb of San Francisco and you didn't know before? I sure saw a lot of horrible stories. It was also pretty clear that if you were dying that you wouldn't be able to see your partner of many years. I had plenty of clues too, but I can understand why.

Way better late than never. Quite a year

 

Your interior comment made me smile ... I think humor is very important on this self-acceptance aspect of our sexuality. Glad you're finding some grins!

 

Apart from a different parent-related situation, that pretty much describes my life until age 25. I had no clue that I was gay, until I started to get suspicious at the two-and-a-half decade mark. It was only then that I allowed myself to admit that I wasn't too busy, I'd never find the "right girl," and I didn't have body image issues per se (though I also could stand to eat more spinach and spend more time exercising).

You're not alone, and it'll be ok. Come on in, the water's fine! :icon_bigg

 

The "next step" is to fully come out to yourself. Your path and denials are so familiar to me, and I did not see it that way either while actually living it, leading me down the wrong path for my life. You can make this story have a happy ending by embracing who you are instead of continuing to deny it, and find that person who will be as special to you as a wife would be if you had been born straight. It is going to be OK for you. Be patient, and start living your life with your new knowledge about who you are, and what lifestyle will be appropriate for you.

 

I can so relate to your story. I Realized at the age of 35 that the reason I was still single is because I wanted to be with a woman. It took me a minute to be truly honest with my self. I did not know what to do next, so I put up a profile and started communicating with women and it was as natural as breathing. I felt at home!!!!! It took a couple years for me to come out to immediate family though and I finally met the woman of my dreams about six years ago....