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What To Do???

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Mocha, Jan 7, 2015.

  1. Mocha

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    Hey everyone,

    I've not been on here for a while but could really use some advice / opinions right now.

    So.... I split with my husband about two months ago, we had been together 17 years and have four children. Just after he moved out I started a relationship with a woman. We are still together and she is amazing and I love her completely and I feel like I have everything I could want in a relationship. But.......

    My kids are unsettled with shuffling from house to house to see their dad and I hate them not being home all the time (they're still all young). I'm struggling with the whole thing and on the verge of tears 80% of the time. The area we live in now, we moved to two years ago to spend time with my husbands family, but he's suggesting that we could move back to where we used to live, where my family live, where our children loved their schools, where our whole lifestyle was better, where we were all once happy. Having a fresh start. I'm so tempted because life would be simple again and the children would be happier there. If it wasn't for my gf I would at this moment in time definitely do that, without even one doubt. He and I get on fine, but there's no passion there and never has been like with my gf and I. But I think we could with time get back to how we were, even though I now know real intimacy. I do know if I moved us back there it would be better in many many ways for the kids and there would be a lot of benefits to me too - having my family around, finishing my masters, not financially struggling etc. There's so many pros for all of us for moving back, apart from the leaving my gf here part! There's no way around it, as I'm talking an international move here, so I can't have my cake and eat it! I really do love her and she loves me and our relationship is fab. It'd break her heart if I left. She had a bad bad break up a year ago where she fell apart and I hate myself for even contemplating this. It'd break my heart to leave her too, but as a mum I need and want to put my children's happiness first.

    So what do I do? Stay put and build a life here with my gf and my kids and deal with everything? Or move back to where I know everyone's lives will be good, but in the process break two peoples hearts?
     
    #1 Mocha, Jan 7, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2015
  2. OOC73

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    Honestly? I wouldn't make any decisions right now, because you are still emotional and grieving the marriage.

    Your kids WILL adjust. It takes time and patience and reassurance from both parents that they love the kids just as much and always will. It's a new routine for them and they need time to get used to it. And yes, they will complain, but when they see over a longer period how much happier you are, they will be happier themselves.

    Your husband wants an idyllic return to the past, but that can't happen now you know what you know about yourself. Yes, it's possible for you to live like that, but there's a huge possibility that it will damage the good relationship you do have no simply because you could end up resenting him for not being her.

    You can glue a broken vase back together and it will still look pretty and have value, but it will never be the same as it was.

    Take your time and allow the changes to sink in. Moving again now would be just as disruptive for the kids and if you went back and found you really can't do this any more, you'll end up putting them through it again.

    Only go back if you are absolutely sure that this is the right thing for YOU to be doing. Not for the kids, or for anyone else. Just you. And give it time.
     
  3. paris

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    Well, in fairy tales it is always the longest, most difficult way which leads to the happily ever after. :icon_wink
     
  4. LittleLionGirl

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    “The human mind is a fearful instrument of adaptation, and in nothing is this more clearly shown than in its mysterious powers of resilience, self-protection, and self-healing. Unless an event completely shatters the order of one's life, the mind, if it has youth and health and time enough, accepts the inevitable and gets itself ready for the next happening like a grimly dutiful American tourist who, on arriving at a new town, looks around him, takes his bearings, and says, "Well, where do I go from here?”
    ― Thomas Wolfe, You Can't Go Home Again
     
  5. Mocha

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    Thank you for this, it makes a lot of sense. I think trying to give things more time and not deciding anything now is for the best. Though due to certain factors, like schooling and my house lease, I will have to decide in the next couple of months, so if anyone else has any further advice or opinions, that would be soooo much appreciated! x
     
  6. Penpal

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    I really think you would be taking a step backwards if you go back to your old life. You love your GF and she loves you. Wow, I want that :slight_smile: if you go back to your husband you can't have that! Don't you deserve to be happy too.
    Your children will adjust, it will take time but they will get there. I agree with previous posts, if you go back you will end up resenting him. That would be such a shame.
    Good luck with whatever you decide but I vote for love! If you are happy your children will be too.
     
  7. looking for me

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    i cant comment on you GF and you but i can put in on the divorce/kids question. my STBX and i split18 months ago and it was a big adjustment for everyone especially my son, i can tell you that everyone, kids included, will adjust to the new normal and the bumps in the road will even out. so for now keep on, keeping on and have a good cry or two, it helps. ask yourself, is your happiness as important as anyone elses? your kids are young and sooo adaptable. i think that when they see you happy that they will be happy too. and is your husband trying to get you to move back so he can the "the one" in your life again and is this a kind of control?
     
  8. Mocha

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    Thank you so much for the advice and taking the time. I think I'm having a harder time adjusting than my kids tbh. I'm hating them not being at home in their beds and I know I need to give it time. It's the whole lifestyle change as well. As much as I love my gf and the intensity of our relationship, I'm not used to the huge intensity of it and feel like I'm also adjusting to that as well as everything else. Basically I'm all over the place!

    ---------- Post added 11th Jan 2015 at 12:10 PM ----------

    No I don't believe he is trying to do that and he was never controlling. But I will bear it in mind x
     
  9. skiff

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    My advice...

    A) you need time to heal. You are most likely in a rebound relationship and as you heal the relationship will wane. Better to be alone and heal alone than suffer rebound issues.

    B) you and x-husband must be amicable and do what is best for kids.

    So I would say focus on what is best for kids while you heal.
     
  10. Really

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    I don't think anyone can know what kind of relationship anyone else is having. All post-breakup relationships can't possibly just be rebound ones. Maybe if you went out the next day and snagged the first person you came across, sure. But your first relationship since accepting your sexuality? I don't believe so.

    And, do what's best for the kids?? I thought we've already decided that was counterproductive. Sure, take them into account and make sure they're cared for and know they're loved but it's time for you to be taken into account and cared for, too. In a way you deserve to be.
     
  11. looking for me

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    sometimes splitting up is what is best for the kids, better than having them live in a pressure cooker of tension and/or strife. (that's my experience with my marriage and my kid, who thanked me for getting him out of that.) sorry if i misinterperted your post but it seemed, to me, that the assumption was that what was best for the kids was to stay together regardless.
     
  12. Mocha

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    I'm pretty certain that the best thing for the kids would be to get back together and move back to where we used to live. They will have my family around them, better future opportunities, financial security. Although I wouldn't be fulfilled in my relationship with their dad, I would get fulfilment in other ways, things I won't get if we are apart - my kids having my family around them, enjoying their little lives, finishing my masters and getting on with my career that I put on hold for the kids, having financial security.
    Though of course those things in the end may not be enough and when I have all those things again, the family, the career, the security, I can imagine that's when I'll be regretting the decision! But if I think only of the kids, I think they're overall better off for us to be together. And I want that life back, it was easy, it was simple, but it means leaving my gf and going back in the closet. But that would be heartbreaking.
     
  13. looking for me

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    do what you feel is best my dear, but be aware this is a hard row to hoe. i wish you the best, maybe you'll be the one to make it work where so many have not.

    cheers
     
  14. Really

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    I think you have to weigh the pros and cons. And don't forget to consider your own feelings, too. When you say, "going back with your family", are you talking about living with your husband again? That, I think would definitely be a mistake. You've managed to do something others are dying to do, as you once were, right?
    Have you talked about this with your gf? If you were going to be a long term relationship, you'd be discussing these types of things and she'd be helping you figure it out. It would be interesting to know her thoughts on this. If her reaction is purely selfish, that's something to consider.
     
  15. Mocha

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    I meant moving back to be around my family, parents, brother etc. but to do that my ex and I would have to give it another go. I've not mentioned anything to my gf regarding these thoughts. She would be really hurt and likely freak out. We have discussed a future together and spend a lot of time together so I know it would devastate her. I know, I so desperately wanted out of my marriage so I could pursue my true self and I put a lot of effort in to ensure we parted amicably for the kids sakes and we did. I love having this woman by my side and in my life, but I didn't anticipate how tough the other side was going to be for all of us.
     
  16. Really

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    This is so tough. Do you have some time to consider things? Are you still working on your degree in this location? Do you think you could put up with this "hardship" for as long as it takes you to finish your schooling and be better placed to start your career there and still be with you gf?
    I'm sorry. As an observer, I just want your story to have a happy ending but I know for you it probably won't all be as happy as we'd like it to be.