Hey guys, I've been having a pretty long streak of feeling almost completely female for almost a week now, and it doesn't feel like it's going to change soon. You can call me Zoey, in case you haven't seen my thread in the welcome area thingy. My problem is that I've been feeling really uncomfortable in my skin recently because I've felt completely female, but my body is really masculine and I can't wear any feminine clothing because I'm not completely out of the closet. I wouldn't have too much trouble with coming out if it weren't for my dad... He's pretty conservative and closed-minded to begin with, but he's also really transphobic because my mom left him a few years back and later came out as trans. When I told my dad I was bi and possibly pan (I later realized that I'm definitely pan, but I havent told him that yet), he seemed pretty upset, and he asked me a few kind of offensive and hurtful questions, as well as mentioning my mom in a negative way. One of the questions he asked me is "Do you want to be a girl or something?" Even though I never said anything to him about my gender. So I'm really scared to tell him about being genderfluid, because I'm sure he wont take it all that well, and more likely he'll take it pretty badly. It's a back and forth issue because I can't feel comfortable if I don't come out but I can't come out because I'm terrified of my dad. I don't know what to do at this point but the dysphoria is getting pretty bad and I even had some suicidal thoughts earlier... I have a bad history with those, so I try to avoid anything that can make me feel that bad... The only temporary solution I could sort of think of is getting some really subtly feminine things so he doesn't suspect anything and that could make me feel a tiny little bit better, but I don't even know what kind of things I could get for that. :icon_sad: Sorry for the distressed rant... :tears: I just think I need some support right now, and even though the few people who know are really great about it, they don't have very useful advice for this situation. :help:
Hey Zoey! Welcome to EC. Its nice to meet you, and Im glad youve joined us. Im sure we can help I think it would be a really good idea to do small things to help ou feel less dysphoric. Do you think painting your nails could help? If so would your father let you? You could always paint your toenails, and wear socks around him. Its usually a good idea to do anything you can do to stave off dysphoria, while staying safe. Im really sorry your dadis so unsupportive, do you think it would be possible to explain to him about your genderfluidness? I really hope we can help you. (*hug*)
A lot of people find that wearing female underwear actually does a lot when it comes to wanting to feel more feminine and underwear is easily hidden. Once when I was at school last spring I wore both panties and pantyhose under my pants and while nobody could tell, I knew. It ended up helping a lot.
I agree, Lazuri. I'm not out many places, so I've still gotta appear male. That and my long hair help me feel more at ease. Never wore pantyhose, though.
Amazingly comfortable they are, if you were to ask me. Cheap as dirt too and if you get controltop pantyhose it helps a lot with tucking. Then again, I like clothes that cling to the skin and tight or constricting apparel in general. Speaking of which, underbust corsets! Corsets give you a female figure and is actually really easily hid under most male clothing. Plus, it's a corset--that's just plain sexy. Corsets are fairly expensive, though.
Hey guys. Thanks for all the replies. I've been trying some more subtle things like getting fruity chap stick, and trying to shave my (monstrously hairy) legs :tears: and I got some of my hair dyed in bright blue and green and it looks really pretty but not so feminine that people would question me. It has helped a little. I've thought about the whole girls underwear/pantyhose thing, but I don't think I could get anything like that without my dad finding out at this point. I still don't think my dad would take it well at all if I told him, but I've been talking to my step-mother about when and how to go about telling him. Apparently he decided to go see his therapist about how to be more open and accepting (about the thing that I told him before) next Monday, so my step-mother suggested I wait until then. I noticed something else that's been triggering some dysphoria for me aside from just being unable to make myself look feminine. I've been spending a lot of time looking at trans women and some genderfluid DMAB people because I thought it would make me feel hopeful that I could some day look really cute and pretty when I want to. The problem is that these people are so freaking pretty! I just end up feeling envious and it doesn't make me think I can some day look that pretty. Instead I just end up subconsciously telling myself that I'll never be pretty like them because I look like a chubby hairy masculine dude who isn't even that good looking as a guy let alone a girl. It makes me really depressed and uncomfortable and I've just been really upset recently because of that and some other things...:bang::tears: I know I just need to calm down but I've just been so panicky and upset and I need hugs and chocolate.
Hey Zoey, I joined this page just to respond to you. Like you, I'm gender fluid and I have a weight problem that gets in the way of presenting how I'd like. I wanted to direct you to two pages I've come across. The first is a page on Autostraddle, which admittedly, I haven't read. But the gist seems to be implied in the title, "Fat, Trans and (Working On Being) Fine With It". The second is from a blog by a DMAB person, who I believe also identifies as male (could be wrong), but just really likes wearing dresses. It's called His Black Dress. Check out the Outfit of the Day (OOTD) section. Neither of these people really fits the standard of feminine beauty (because frankly, that's impossible to achieve by just about everyone), but I think both are gorgeous in their own way. I think a lot of that comes from confidence. So what I'm trying to tell you, and hopefully my point comes across well, is that regardless of the size and shape of your body, once you are in a place where you can present comfortably, you'll be cute, beautiful, gorgeous, whatever you like, because you'll be comfortable with yourself. Stay strong. I hope things get easier with your family and everything else soon.
Hey Zoey, I'm a FAAB person, who is more than likely not female, likely agender or ftm, but am currently having to present as female which is not fun... so I understand the struggle. And that's a great idea to try to do some little things, sometimes those can help so much. Some little things/ ideas that might help: -getting a purse but call it "satchel" or just a slightly more 'masculine' looking purse to carry places yet avoid suspicion from your dad. I recently got a male wallet and use now instead of my purse, and it makes me so happy every time I use it. Maybe you could also look into getting a female wallet, or put more feminine pictures, designs in the wallet you already have. -skinny jeans. They are pretty gender neutral as far as pants go, so that might help make you feel more comfortable. -shoes, maybe wearing colored converse or lace-up women's boots, they both can be pretty androgynous here's a link to an example of what I'm thinking: http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=52277079 -shaving you mentioned would be a great idea. And if your dad questions say you wanted to get into swimming or cycling (its for aerodynamics people say).... - on female underwear, often there are more androgynous cuts that would probably help dysphoria, but might be stealth enough to avoid suspicion from your dad if he were to see your laundry. - maybe some V neck shirts might help too. finding more pastel greens or blues for colors would help, or with striped patterns. I see a lot of over overlap in those colors and designs in stores. - or if you like pink, buy a red shirt, and 'accidentally' put in a load of white clothes you want to change the color of. Then wash it on hot, it should turn the white pink, (so if you like that color) you could wear it, but play it off as a mistake in washing laundry if you get questions. -also just thought of another thing... if you have a cell phone or your own laptop, could change the design to something more feminine if you wanted... and feel it safe to do so. I hope this gives some ideas, or distractions at very least, and that the dysphoria doesn't get worse. I know bad days can be really awful, especially when you feel like its not safe to be who you are. And also I just wanted to add, everyone is beautiful in their own way. Even with cis women beauty comes in many different shapes, sizes, varieties, and builds. Beauty is something that goes much deeper than appearances. I hope things get better soon. Stay safe, and stay strong. (*hug*) (*hug*)
Try to be more subtle and stuff. Panties help out a lot, and wearing tank tops underneath your shirts really can go a long way. I think there is clear nail polish you can try out. I'm not sure what else is there but everyone else's advice sound much better.
You could have something in your pocket that is a symbol for your femininity and reminds you of it... a keychain, a pendant, what you like. You could always have it with you and from time to time reach down and touch it. You can also connect it mentally with an image of you that you would like. Concerning timelines, it can be overwhelming. But it can also be a very good reminder that its a step by step process, many have taken it, and it simply takes time. Just keep at it. In many timelines, there is a huge change visible, if pictures from the start are shown. Just keep at it. Many people come out in a letter. I'd say take your time to think about it. If you are ready, here are a few resources: I'm kind of Trans: coming out letter draft Everyones situation is unique. Some people write a longer letter, outlining their feelings and explaining. There are more coming out letters, you might look them up. And you could post your draft here and ask for peoples comments, if you like. (*hug*)
Well it's good that your dad is taking some steps to be more accepting. It can be hard to get more feminine things past your family if you're still living at home. Do you have any female friends who might be willing to lend you some things, like hair accessories, shoes (provided they'll fit), possibly even clothes? As for the second, I feel the same way. I look at genderfluid people online and they're always so perfect! They look fantastic no matter what gender they present on it pisses me off! Though part of the problem is that when you look for pictures of genderfluid people, you're probably going to find the most attractive, most easily able to pass people possible. Skinny, attractive, often times white people are the face of non-binary genders at this point, and it makes it harder for the rest of us who don't have slim figures and who don't have perfect legs and who tend to be hairier or curvier. Then, I will see non-binary people who don't fit that mold at all and who look fantastic, and a lot of that has to do with confidence. It's hard to be confident in one's appearance, especially when you already deal with dysphoria, but that can make all the difference.
