I need help with my gender Identity.

I don't have any friends XD I don't leave my house. Ever. I am stuck here. Whenever I have my hair cut, it is done by her or one of her friends. I never stay round a friends house and the most I go out for is to get milk if we run out or go to my Nan's. She literally allows me no independence whatsoever.

Her reaction when I asked to get my hair cut short was
'What are you, a lesbian?'

Well yes actually I am, but that's got nothing to do with that, and more to do with the fact that sometimes I don't feel like a girl. Got a problem?

I just turned around and walked out the room before we had another argument about homophobia.

At the moment, there's very little I can do about my appearance. I just want to try and work out what my gender identity actually is. It may take a while ^^

I don't want shaved sides or punkish, I just want quite a natural short haircut that I could pull off as androgynous if I wore a hoodie but feminine if I wore a dress. Something sort of like this:
imgur: the simple image sharer

 

Stuff would be more bearable if the house was made of gingerbread XD easier to escape from, anyway.

I'm just talking about the general length for that picture, not the fringe. I can't find the style that I picture in my head, which is annoying!

I keep worrying about what other people would say- I don't think they'd understand. Even if I told them I was genderqueer, which is all I can identify as at the moment. I don't think anyone at school would call me by gender neutral pronouns if I asked either, because I look like a girl.

My mum is engaged to a man, so I very much doubt she's a lesbian. She's been with a few men in my lifetime, so no, she's straight. She's just very mean. When I tried to come out she told me that it was only natural for boys to be gay and for girls it's just wrong. *shrugs*

 

So I ended up talking to my friend about my gender today, and she was quite supportive. I had to explain to her what certain terms meant like 'androgynous' and what qenderqueer is, but she said that sometimes she liked to try and look more masculine. So she was pretty good to talk to, and now at least I can talk to her about it. She also asked me about pronouns, and I told her that although I would sometimes prefer neutral pronouns, I look so girly that there's probably no point in asking for them.

So at least she knows I'm somewhat genderqueer, and I can talk to her about my adventures of discovering my identity. I'm sure she will be positively thrilled. XD

 

I don't think either of them suit me. I'm either a girl, or I'm androgynous. Maybe I'm completely androgynous and I just didn't know about it before. I'm not sure.

So far, either Genderfluid or Demigender are looking the most accurate. The only problem being with Genderfluid, it is mostly between identifying as female some days, and male other days, with some grey area. Am I correct in this? Because I never feel like I'm totally a boy, I don't think.

And with Demigirl, I'm not sure if it is representative of how I feel like a girl some days, and androgynous on others. Most places I've gone for help (I've been on a few groups on Tumblr) have said that this sounds more like genderfluidity.

*lays face down on the floor*

 

Any other people I have tried I talk to in school have just gone

'But you can't be neither. You either have a dick or a vagina '
*tries to explain*
'No, you're just making things up it isn't real.'
*walks away calmly from the stupidity*

Or one other person just told me I was transgender in denial.

*continues to lay on the floor*

 

Oh my Oz, that is very helpful, thank you

So I might be Genderfluid.

 

And by this point I have decided to fuck the gender binary (not literally- I'm only interested in one end of it) and just sit here on the outside and do whatever I want. People can shove their gender roles and stereotypes up their rear ends, I'm agender XD

 

Gender is a weird thing, because until I found out that gender was separate to sex, I never thought about it either. I was just a girl, just Nicole, just who everyone told me I was. And then I came here and began to question it, because if, 3-4 years ago, you'd come up to me and told me that I'd be out as a lesbian, I'd have laughed in your face.

And then I began to realise that I actually don't behave like most girls, I hate makeup most of the time, so I began to try and look for answers. And then I went through denial, same old same old 'if you were, you'd have known ages ago' as if I hadn't just been through the exact same thing with my sexuality. And then recently I realised that I don't give a shit about binary unless I'm in a computer science lesson, and I'm just going to look however I want because I have no gender so screw everyone's stereotypes.

I don't think every queer woman is non-cis, but I think that by being a gay/bisexual/pansexual/queer woman and finding yourself in the LGBT community puts you at a much higher chance of beginning to think about your gender identity. Because you can't make a decision over something you have no idea about, simply because you haven't ever had the concept in your head to think about. Until you know what gender is, you can't think about what your gender is.

I feel out of place giving you advice because.... Well I'm 15 and you're much older, but all I'm gonna say is... Don't just try and forget about it or talk yourself out of it because it does catch up with you, it won't go away. I tried, honestly. But if you spend a while exploring it, looking at different labels, changing them however often you'd like until you find the right one, then even if you end up just settling with cis woman, you'll be a whole lot more at ease XD