Hi to you all and a Happy new year! First of all I have to say that English is not my native language. In fact, I’m a 46 year old German guy. Writing here is somehow difficult and I apologize for the occasional bad grammar and orthography. I hope it all makes sense to you. I wasn’t sure where to post this, I originally intended to just say Hi and say thank you to this forum and the people that make it alive. But because I'm still struggeling with my sexuality and I’m old I thought I post this here and give you a rundown of my bizarre life. Here we go... My childhood was everything but a piece of cake. I had a physical abusive father and a caring but weak mother which I tried to defend and protect against my father. Living under these circumstances made me a unstable person. My self esteem is until now very shaky and I always felt depressed to a varying extend. My “sexlife” was split till my late twenties. Emotionally I was most of the time attracted to girls, sexually mainly to boys. Although alcohol made me at times sexually attracted to girls as well. So I always clinged to the hope that it was a phase and that I would find the right girl sometime and be like every other guy. I have to say that till now I never had a proper relationship or even sex, with neither men nor women. Which is very much embarrassing. I spent my life fighting these strong homosexual tendencies till I was 29 when I fell deeply in love with my best friend. I have never felt such strong feelings. In fact they were so strong that I couldn’t convince myself any longer that I was straight. This truth was so unbearable for me that it was getting difficult to socialize with people any longer and so I isolated myself from my friends with only one exception, a female friend who always knew that I could at least be bi. Unfortunately my love was unreturned, although I still think to this day that he is a closet case, but that’s a different story. I spent the last 16 years not only mostly isolated and trying to come to terms with my sexuality but also deeply lovesick and waiting for him to come back. Up to the year 2012 these feelings and a growing feeling of loneliness became so unbearable that I had to make important changes in my life. I wrote him a final letter in which I displayed my innermost feelings for him (again unreturned) and I started making baby steps into the gay world by joining a Coming Out group, which are absolutely rare where I live. I thought it would help me dealing with my sexuality. But it wasn’t as successful as I hoped it would be. It is like I’m two different persons which hardly connect. One part of me knows I’m gay and the other still thinks he’s not. And I can’t shake the latter off. I recently joined a gay sports club intending to build up a circle of friends. But it is very hard. By isolating myself I forgot how to socialise, which frustrates me even more. Right now I have got the feeling that I’m still going from one problem to another and my life is a neverending struggle. But, I don’t want to whinge any longer. Sorry. If someone can somehow relate to my story feel free to reply. Maybe there are some Germans around. But most of all, thanks again to all you lovely guys which helped me a lot over the last years!! You don't know how much! :eusa_clap:eusa_clap:eusa_clap
First of all I want to welcome you to EC! Second falling in love with your straight best friend is the story of my life. I just want to tell you that sending that letter was so brave of you what ever the outcome (bow for you). Last you will get a great advices from the guys in this site and I hope you will find what you need. Just don't frustrate yourself and take it day by day and know yourself without pressuring yourself if that makes any sense.
Hi Oldfield, Welcome to EC. You do not need to find Germans here (although there are some) because your English is really excellent !! I am sorry that you have tried some brave things - but do not feel you have obtained results. But the key is to persevere. Gay sports groups etc sounds just the correct sort of thing to be doing - maybe you just did not find a good group yet? Are you in a large city where there may be more LGBT groups and organisations? As you have not mentioned it, I also wonder if you have done any therapeutic work, or have also considered this as a way of moving forward?
:welcome: :welcome: :welcome: :welcome: :welcome: :welcome: :welcome: :welcome: :welcome: :welcome: :welcome: Welcome, Oldfield!!! You are in the right place. And you can see that responses are coming to you from all over the world, from the U.A.E., the U.K, and the U.S. And one thing that is for sure is that our common experiences transcend national boundaries. Being gay was not an option when I was young, so I did my best to fit in a straight man's world. By and large, I was able to pass, marry, and have a career that was not open to gay men. I continued to deny to myself that I was gay for many years, despite the fact that most of the sex that I had was with men. Now, I have come to accept who I am, and all the sex I have is with men! :icon_bigg I finally came out to myself over four years ago. By that I mean, the struggle stopped, and I acknowledged that I am gay. I came out to a couple people, and since joining EC I have come out to several more. It is a gradual process, but even when it moves at a glacial pace, it is still moving. The worst thing is the isolation. I think that anything that you can do to get out there with other people is good. And any time that you can be with people like us, and can be your authentic self, all the better. If you can act as the person that you are, whether or not you are out, that can be helpful. At least that is what I am trying to do. It is great to have you here with us. Good luck! (&&&)
Prosit Neujahr! I'm so glad that you took the time to share your experiences with us, and to reach out for support. Your childhood and young adulthood sound complicated and painful: an abusive father and a shaky family situation did not allow you much room to figure out who you are. Although you describe them as "baby" steps, you have actually made huge strides in the past two years. Coming out to your friend took remarkable courage. And I think most of us can relate to an experience similar to your trepidation first entering the sports club or coming out group. It sounds like you "dipped your toe in the pool," so to speak, and you don't get refreshing splashes of water and an enjoyable swim. I know that's a metaphor, but it's the best way I can think of to describe the situation. Many of us, including me, have had high expectations of our first steps into a gay bar, bookstore, club, or community center. There is a myth that the "gay community" is so welcoming that one need only say hello, and reassuring gay people will materialize to help you and even become future dates. Although that is true for some, I do not think it is common. In a way, I think that this forum is the most solid source of support I have ever seen. And all of us are here to listen and connect with you. I have spent a great deal of time in Germany, and my friends there are all straight but overwhelmingly accepting. In fact; it is immaterial to them. They know I'm gay, but it's not the first thing that crosses their minds when we talk. To be fair, my friends are all in Berlin, which is known to be more liberal. But perhaps you will find the most helpful support from straight people. Although you are always in control, the Germans I know would be caring and good listeners. As far as sex goes... try not to think about age! I wasn't with anyone until I was 31, and it didn't change my life. I'm not saying that it's a bad idea; it's just that it doesn't define who you are. It isn't magic. Many who first started having sex at age 15 or 16 tell me that it wasn't so great, and that it's actually much better after 40. I hope you can look at it that way. Pass auf dich auf!
Hi, I relate to some of your feelings, though I never had issues accepting my sexuality myself I did protect myself from a homophobic world. I married into a very Teutonic family and I imagine it is exponentially more difficult for you as the tradition appears to be to bury high emotion. Welcome to EC?
Thanks everyone for your warm welcome!! Highly appreciated. And Prosit Neujahr!!! )) I always thought that you are an "adult" when you hit the big 3, but at exactly this age my world started to crumble. Until now I am so so far away fom being a mature person that it fills me with anger and most of all sadness. I am kind of afraid of having my first sexual experience and I don't know if I have the skills to lead a proper and healthy relationship. But I'm on my way more than ever. I'm doing (is this correct?) a cognitive therapy right now but it isn't working for me and I intend to change the form of therapy in the near future. When I took all my courage and joined the sports club I thought that my life would immediately change for the better. This might sound arrogant but it isn't meant this way. I'm not an ugly duckling and I never had problems with women being into me. Silly me thought gay men were like women. I had to undergo a cruel reality check, cause the gay world wasn't what I expected and no way did it wait for me. I'm scared right now that I never meet my soulmate and be happy. Loneliness sucks big time, it's my biggest scare. But I know that I should stick with this club, even if it's hard and frustrating at times. I think that meeting gay men and being friends with them will be the only way how I can silence my inner macho and accept my sexuality. I hope I'm right. Thanks for listening / reading. Any advice is more than welcome. Wish you all a nice weekend! And now a little German lesson Wünsche Euch allen ein schönes Wochenende!
Yes cognitive therapy is the right words. I have done two courses of that in order to combat depression and it didn't work for me either. The reason it didn't work - became apparent when I accepted that I was gay. I wasn't ready to find my truth when I did the therapy and subconsciously worked to avoid tackling what was ultimately the one thing destroying me. Ultimately, I didn't need therapy at all, just support and understanding and acceptance. Finding that has eliminated the need to protect myself so strongly and allow myself to be vulnerable and open to my new world. That isn't to say that I would discourage therapy at all. I think it can be a very useful tool for introspection and acceptance. Just be sure to be 100% comfortable with both your therapist and your motivation for therapy. You should use therapy selfishly, with the sole goal of self-understanding. Welcome to EC
Hi I have the opposite experience of therapy. I was lucky enough to find a very gay friendly therapist, who is himself straight. What he did was just reflect back at me, what he was seeing and what I couldn't, which was a gay female struggling in a heterosexual relationship. I did not realise I was gay at this point. But how successful therapy is depends very much on finding the right person.
Hi OOC73, thanks for your reply. You are right, a lot of problems can be solved by finding people who understand and support you.
They really can. And here is a great place to start finding that. It has certainly helped me to strengthen my resolve to find my place in the offline world as a gay woman. Knowing that you are safe and understood is an amazing place to be sorting yourself out from.
