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A 3 year long crush.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Voidivine, Dec 31, 2014.

  1. Voidivine

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    Grace to you, all supportive forum members. My story may be familiar to you, though it has a noticable difference - the time period.

    So let me introduce myself. I am a monogamous homosexual/asexual androgynous young male person, who is in the last grade of school in an Eastern European country (16-18 years old). I have always been excellent in all subjects and behave fabulously and aristocratically, sometimes narcisstically. Though, I am capable of great forgiveness and compassion.

    Let us chronoport three years ago. That is the time of my reaching puberty and the time of my crush beginning. He was my classmate. A person, who was not able to observe the rules and to behave himself. He was not my type. I wished to spend my life with a tall, intelligent and consious one. This one was short and mindless, though with a great potential of mind. I started perceiving his smell as attractive and thought, that this all would fade away.

    But it did not. With time passing I started deeply caring for him and socialized with him via Steam. I helped him with homework and checked all of his marks to be sure how could I aid. He spoke with me in real world with flirtatious tone and peered into my eyes. He always followed me with his sight. However, it did not develop further and I did not come out to him due to the physical danger of coming out in this country. My mind fell ill and I hardly could concentrate on anything but him. Though, it did not impact my studies.

    I started to read all the stories on these forums and made a decision to forget him. I asked him not to speak to me in real life, as he is destructive to me. He accepted this and did not even ask, what did "destructive" mean. We spoke actively in Steam, but then I cut it off. Though, it did not help me. I continued having dreams of him and none of them were erotical, but only he rejecting me and disappearing.

    During last painful years I did not speak to him. But I asked him anonymous questions on ask.fm and in one of them he told me to calm down, when there wa no evidence of me asking the question. I succeeded to conceal my being there. After that I stopped doing anything.

    But the fate is cruel. Even though our class was divided into two with us being separated we still had a lot of interclass performances. When we prepared to them I always saw his staring at me with my side vision. Let me add fuel to this flame, in case he notices me, he changes his external mood drastically, for an instance, he was discussing something with a girl in a controversy, but then he saw me and immediately looked into his phone and told her to wait a minute. He always switches to indifference when he sees me.

    But recently we had a Grand Performance and I was dancing Pasa Doble. He stood up and was fiercely applauding after my dance, even though no one else did it. And I saw him smile when I was declared as the best student of the school.

    After that I renewed playing online games and socializing with him. As for current time, he forgives me for any mistake and laughs at my little humorous hints. He even changes his opinions about the surroinding world (well, that may be due to my skills of manipulation). I am certain, that there is something within him, that is reaching out for me, but we both lack courage of making the first step.

    What do you think about this and how would you act?

    Post Scriptum. I genuinely love him and not simply lust for him. As a monogamous person I love only once. He is much more masculine than I (or lacks feminine traits).
     
    #1 Voidivine, Dec 31, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2014
  2. Gay Cody

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    Do you know for sure that he is gay, like, has he had any girlfriends?
     
  3. Voidivine

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    He had a girlfriend, though, it was more like a fake to be popular. And yes, girls seem to lust for him, but he laughs at them. He is rarely seen in a company of males, more inbetween females.
     
  4. Gay Cody

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    He seems really nice though, would you be willing to date him, considering what you want in a guy?
     
  5. Voidivine

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    Since I have started loving him there is no mate for me, but him. The thought of dating someone else sounds ludicrous and scornful to me. I am a true monogamous person, and so I have forgotten my former type.
     
    #5 Voidivine, Dec 31, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2014
  6. Gay Cody

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    Try talking to him more, and if you feel comfortable with it, tell him about your sexuality, and if he likes guys, and you, he'd tell you, and I doubt he'd tell anyone about you if he wasn't, you've done a lot of good for him.
     
  7. Voidivine

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    I told him long ago, that I am asexual and accept everyone. He answered me, that he is not gay, but is okay with them as long as they do not act like a woman. Though, he accepts my androgynous behavior and does not even compromise it. He does not know about my homosexual side.

    An important note. We are not friends and ingame behave too caringly of each other.

    I talk a lot to him, but never in reality.
     
    #7 Voidivine, Dec 31, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2014
  8. WhiteShadows

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    Well, he's said he's not gay, so you need to respect that.

    There's a chance that was just a cover up, but you don't know for sure. I suggest asking him to hang out more with you, just the two of you, to get to know him better :slight_smile:
     
  9. Voidivine

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    What people say does not compulsorily reflect their inner state. He is a great liar and even boasts of it to me. In my country being homosexual openly equals death. How would you expect him answer in a different way?

    And obviously, WhiteShadows, you had better stop taking words of everyone for granted, my apologies.
     
    #9 Voidivine, Jan 1, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2015
  10. Voidivine

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    Here is an update on this story.

    I confessed to him my love and he rejected me. I guess, he just used me as the source of easy schoolmark gain. He did not delete me from his contacts, but I stopped to talk to him amd eventually deleted him myself.

    In school he seemed to avoid me and always look at me when he noticed me.

    Yesterday we had a graduation party and I noticed him walking around me when I danced. He refused to make a selphy when his class wanted to do a selphy with me. I also noticed him looking on me a lot and staying alone mostly.


    In two months I emigrate and he is a patriot. I guess, I have to move on. Well, I did so for these tedious 4 years.

    I want to tell everyone not to believe the fairy tales that our brains create when we are in love. It wastes energy and time.

    The End.