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Gf won't acknowledge us and it's killing me. Sorry LONG post.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by grlundrthrainbo, Dec 22, 2014.

  1. grlundrthrainbo

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    We've been together over a year. Were/are engaged.. but I quit wearing my ring when I realized it doesn't mean the same thing for both of us, in my opinion.
    In the beginning.. she told me her family knew about her being gay..etc..but weren't really accepting. Granted she's been in other relationships.. been married twice (to women) publicly.. and had a child with one of them. All this known to her family.
    Then she deleted said family members from her facebook. (these are really two family members, her step mom, and her aunt, then she has a brother but her step mom is the one always confronting her about being gay)
    Months later..she made a separate facebook for said family and friends of family that are not gay friendly.
    Months after THAT.. something traumatic happened in her life.. and she said that she realized I meant too much to her.. and they were going to have to accept it. She called them and told them.. they needed to accept me. us.
    *she told me she called them.
    Something throughout the relationship that wasn't a red flag until later.. then pieces fell into place ya know?
    She generally talked to her mom, in other rooms. Said her mom would get mad if she talked to her around other people. Said her mom said it was rude.
    So fast forward to a few months ago.
    Note, we both have each other's facebook passwords.
    Emails. Etc. I've always been an open book about anything, with whomever, I am with.
    She, has at times in the beginning, demanded passwords of mine for things.. (she forgets easily and I have to keep telling her).. demands to see my phone..etc. Claiming that she's been cheated on so much in the past.
    I say FINE I have nothing to hide.
    She's gotten on my phone and responded to ppl messaging me on facebook.. while I'm asleep.. away from my phone.. or even if I'm there and she hears my alert sound and wants to know who I am talking to.
    *using this as background info as to why I'd assume since I am an open book and she's always said we should not hide anything that this is a two way street*
    So one night I get on our computer and facebook is open under her name and her mom sent a message saying "who is this Amanda R- ?!.. why is she listed as a family member? Please explain this to me because I know this is not a family member I'm aware of.."
    This was after us being together for a year, and her telling me she was up front with her family.
    So when I saw the message from her mom..
    I did something I shouldn't have.
    But I needed to know the truth.
    I replied to her mom and simply said "you know who Amanda is.."
    her mom then replied and said "you told me that was some girl you were having to stay with till you found a new place that you couldn't stand.."
    I was devastated. Crying. confronted my gf (fiance at the time).
    she got furious. Claimed her mom knew it was me and lied to hurt me. Yelled at me for hurting her mom. Called her mom and went outside.
    After a minute I went outside also. She was telling her mom I was her roomate. and had gotten on her facebook..
    I told her I'm supposed to be your wife.. (she was the one that referred to me as wife even though we had no idea when we could actually go out of state to get married)..
    And she laughed at me and said "you are NOT my wife".
    She looked at me like I was nothing.
    At that point I went back inside.
    Apparently to make her mom believe I was a roomate that had hacked her fb,
    she gave her MOM her facebook password.. and asked her to sign on and change it.
    When she got off the phone she came in and screamed at me for hurting her mom.
    I felt like everything was a lie and I was worth nothing.
    In the beginning of our relationship.. she'd hold hands with me and other public displays of affection.. saying she'd not done that before.
    Now it's like she's back in the closet.
    I would bring up this.. and us being engaged.. and how this hurt me and she tells me to get over it or find someone else.
    We'd moved 4+ hours away from her family/my ex's, to start over.. something we both wanted. She, wanted to be FAR away from her family.
    I left everyone and everything I knew.
    Now I feel like she's left me and gone back to her family.
    And going further back into the closet...not just with family but everyone.
    In public you'd never know we are together (and we now live in a MUCH more gayi friendly place than we did).
    We were considering rehoming "my" dog.. and a friend of her's was interested. Came to meet the dog/me.
    I asked ahead of time.. 3 times.. does he know "who I am"? because I wanted to know how i was supposed to act.. and she said he KNEW who I was .and that we were a couple.
    He liked my dog and wanted more info. pictures.
    So the next day.. I msged him on facebook and said "hey this is J's fiance.. about the dog.."
    No reply.
    I tell her later.. I tried to talk to him more about my dog.. and he wouldn't even reply. I told her I would only rehome my dog to someone I trusted..and didn't feel like I could trust him if he wouldn't even talk to me? She got upset I had tried to talk to him at all and said I should have just let her do the talking..
    The next day.. in the car.. she said well HE messaged me and said he changed his mind about taking your dog. She asked me "what did you tell him?"
    so I told her exactly what I told him, and she literally screamed at me at the top of her lungs. in an enclosed car.. going off about why I said fiance. I started crying and said how she told me he knew? If she hadn't I wouldn't have.. and she tried to say he knew we were together but he's not OK with that and doesn't know we are "engaged and doesn't want to hear that!" Kept yelling at me for awhile about it.
    Even when I shut down and cry and don't even look at her she just keeps yelling for awhile.
    Since then.. she's gone back to claiming her mom knows, but she just doesn't want to put it in her face.
    But I've seen public posts on her facebook where her mom mentions wanting her to give her a grandchild.. and my gf says "she has to find a man first"..
    I've heard her crying her eyes out because her mom is anti gay..
    and backed her up when she complains to me about how her family is...
    and I support her. She tells me she can't live without me one minute.
    Then treats me like I am nothing and tells me if I don't like it "bye".
    I think I can deal.
    Then she calls her mom and pretends she's single and a lot of other things.. and it hurts too much so i leave the room.
    Or her mom calls her.. in the midst of me cooking.. and I need to her to watch something while I go to the restroom..and my gf freaks out cuz I open the bedroom door not knowing she's no the phone .. and her mom can hear my voice..
    after telling me again and again that her moms knows etc.
    So she goes back in the bedroom and won't talk to her mom in front of me.
    And it hurts. I think I can accept it but then it just hurts too much.
     
  2. Summer1110

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    Sweetie I dont know all the details, and I dont know you personally, but NO ONE deserves to be treated the way she is treating you and just reading through this made my heart hurt. She shouldnt be doing those things to you it is cruel and unfair and wrong. Personally I think you would be better off without her but I know its not my place to say. Im so sorry for everything you are going through and feel free to message me if you need to talk
     
  3. wasgij

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    Urgh. Frustrating. How old is she, 14?
    I think you need to set some boundaries and maybe do some training with her to improve behaviour (for both of you :slight_smile: ).
    I'm guessing that you haven't actually spoken to her about a lot of this stuff?
    How is she going to grow a spine and confront her mum if... (there's no way to be nice about this)... if you can't either?

    I can sort-of see/guess how the relations are going between people:
    Her mum is REALLY DOMINANT, a stubborn control-freak. The words "evil bitch" come to mind, but I don't want to be too cocky. Having children often seems to be such a narcissistic personal growth-related "project" for so many people, but I digress.
    Your fiancée's nerves are probably in tatters after a lifetime of having to aggressively fight for the right to have an opinion. It's surely good to have some space away from the family home, where she can recover.
    And you, are the shy, sensitive type who is the complete opposite of her mum. I'm sure she respects that, but you also need to be a little bit firm, and set some boundaries. Calmly tell her, that you don't like it when she screams at you. You feel hurt and you want her to apologise. You know, just practice some calm conversations, starting at a "good moment" of course, not in the middle of a bad moment.
     
  4. tokyo777

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    Don't worry everything is going to be all right
     
  5. all paths

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    I don't know what to say to make you feel better, at all.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. :frowning2:

    I am not sure that your fiancee, from the sounds of it, has likely EVER dealt honestly with any of her family about her orientation. If I had to guess, this was the reason for the failure of her previous relationships as well.

    You deserve to be loved openly and honestly, and you deserve not to have to hurt and be screamed at and yelled at simply because of her fears and issues, and inability to face her orientation and her family.

    This isn't fair to you. It's just not okay.

    It's never advisable to wait for someone to change, either...especially when they've likely repeated these same behaviours over and over with previous partners, and done so for years.

    I know you're devastated right now, and your heart is breaking open. :'( But I don't think this is a tenable situation.

    And certainly, I see it doing your heart and psyche and mental health a good deal of harm.

    Love yourself. If you were your best friend, and saw yourself in this situation and had compassion and only love for yourself in this situation right now, what would you (the best friend) say to yourself, to do?

    *tight hugs*

    God bless.

    Take care of yourself, hun.
     
  6. grlundrthrainbo

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    Sorry just now getting to reply again.. can't get online unless my gf isn't around and she's been off for christmas break.
    I can't really talk to anyone because she constantly goes through my phone.
    Like last night her phone was going off but she THOUGHT it was mine.. so went through mine.. and got mad because I have some "dyke" friends on facebook (butch lesbians) and deleted some (no idea who she even deleted because she did it before she confronted me).. then accused me of stuff with a number of friends.. some straight and married even. Men even. So I have a really hard time even being able to talk to anyone.
    Even anonymously like no here.
    Age wise.. no we are both in our mid thirties (closer to 40 really).
    And I know what I would tell a friend.
    And I know how much this is hurting me.
    That's why when it comes up, and she tells me to deal or move on.. and asks if I love her or not..
    I tell her it's not that simple.
    Like that saying "love isn't always enough"
    I get that now.
    I love her. and can't see life without her.
    but the way we are now is breaking my heart.
    I feel like.. if I meant enough to her..
    She'd put me first.
    And after all the relationships I've been in with OBVIOUS players..
    that wouldn't even call me their girlfriend..
    or be exclusive..
    I have, without realizing it, ended up in a different kind of relationship where she may be EXCLUSIVE with me..
    and swear I'm her "wife"..
    at times.. and to me..
    but really.. doesn't value my worth enough, to truly, be, WITH,me.
     
  7. grlundrthrainbo

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    Ok so I tried to post on this earlier and it's not here.. idk if it didn't get approved yet or if it didn't work because I am using "icognito" windows to get on here?
    Sorry it's taken me so long to reply I can't get on unless gf isn't around which isn't often.
    In response..
    we are actually both in our mid-late thirties. And no I have spoke to her about all of this. But it doesn't go far or do much good. She tells me she told me from the beginning.. her family wasn't accepting of her being gay, but she did to a POINT, but she didn't go into detail about how SHE wasn't accepting of herself being gay. nor, the lengths at which she lies to them about her sexuality.
    And talking to her is also hard when she gets angry quick and once she's there there is nothing I can say that does any good.
    Her mom is an absolute control freak, and I am shy/sensitive to a degree. But not so much shy anymore with new people in general and very open, out, and honest to a default I guess.
    And yes.. she's mentioned.. how her exes have always talked to her mom. the way she said it was negative about her exes. But after this happened with us.. I brought it up and said something about it and how she's never going to really be able to be in a relationship unless she actually puts her partner first.
    I know what I'd tell a best friend to do.. and I know this is not doing me good.
    I also know I love her and I keep thinking she'll maybe, not want to lose me.
     
  8. all paths

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    Both your posts came through. When I can get home & actually reply on a computer & not my phone, I'll respond fully.

    Sorry it's been a while since I last checked in...it's been busy.
     
  9. all paths

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    Absolutely unacceptable.

    This is an abusive, controlling relationship.


    And so is she.


    I think her words here:

    ...sadly say all that you need to know about what her decision is going to be. :frowning2:

    I feel 100% certain that she is more willing to lose you than change. She said so herself; I quoted her words that you wrote.


    I am so sorry to be this blunt and direct, but I'm mainly just putting the words that you wrote back to you in streamlined format.

    I know it hurts, but because I care about what happens to you, and care that you do not get used, abused, and hurt more - I am putting it out here as plainly as possible.

    I think that you're still angsting and stuck because, frankly, *you* don't want to let go. You hurt. :frowning2: I understand.

    I'm so sorry. I'm going to be praying for you for strength to take care of yourself. *hugs*
     
  10. Alvina

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    Well she clearly doesn't value you as much as she claims. This sounds emotionally abusive and I think you should seek out help, or at least end it with her. This does not sound healthy at all. No one deserves to be treated like this