The Missing you Thread.

I like this thread, it's bittersweet but I like thinking of the people that I've lost around this time of year.

My Aunt Brenda, passed away in 1996 when I was 8. She always wanted daughters, wound up with 3 sons and 2 "nieces" (quotes are for me) so she spoiled my sister and I rotten. Loved her very much. (Actually we joke that she cursed our family, no 'boys' born since her youngest!)

My Papa passed away in 2009. It was so hard watching him go, because he was so strong before the Alzheimers (like jog 8km everyday strong). Thankfully I got to see him a few days before he passed.

My Grandma died in 2008, on December 21st. After that it was like a link had been severed between my sister and I and our mom's side of the family.

The worst; my mom died Dec. 3rd, 2004. I could say lots about that, but I don't really want to.

The best; when I was 4 my half-brother cut himself off from our family. For 10 years he had nothing to do with us. When I was 14 he came back, but it wasn't until 2 years ago when he told his mother he was coming to our family Christmas instead of her's.

I love and miss all of them, with the exception of my brother of course!

 

My mother who passed away in 2012. So far I've had two Christmases without her. This year will be my third motherless Christmas. She was the most festive and spirited out of all of this.

 

My aunt and my sister...

 

My great grandfather, who passed away in 2005, and my dad, who passed away last year...

 

My maternal grandfather passed away in 2000, when I was 11 years old. It was a devastating loss for our whole family. He'd been battling prostate cancer since the mid-90's and was in and out of hospital a lot in the last few months. Even knowing that it's coming doesn't soften the blow though, as anyone who has lost a loved one to cancer will surely know.

My grandfather was my best friend in the world. We were "best buddies" and I spent a lot of time with him and my grandma from the time I was a small baby because both of my parents worked full-time. My grandpa was one of the kindest, funniest, most loving people I've ever known and I hold him in my heart always. For years, it was surreal to me that he was gone. I just couldn't fathom it for such a long time. I love him with all my heart and I always will.

 

Before passing my reply I hug everyone of the above posters. Wether believe it or not, I believe death ain't the end for us. Those people you love and remember feels it and they are watching over you.

If I say I am missing my father only on special occasions I would be a liar. I think about him every now and then... as I pass in front of the cemetry he rests eternally. He passed away when I was 10 so any sane people would believe I should be get over it by age of 39.

He always paid extra care to those special occasions like our birthdays or New Year's Day (it is as close as you can get from a Turk as a Christmas).

I hope he ain't scared for me anymore. He was the first person who understood I am gay and only said "he's scared" as he probably knew what shitty life one gay can live in this country. No harsh words... only compassion and care.

Okay better cut short before I start to cry in the office. Love you Dad... wish I could spend more time with you, know you better and love you better.

 

My dad... he died when I was 3 so i dont rememver him. In fact calling 9-1-1 for him was on of the first things I remember. This'll be my 10th Christmas without him.
My Aunt Nancy passed away 3 years ago and she was the one who was keeping ME alive. She knew everything about me, even me questioning my sexuality and my depression... when she died, half of me went with her. Cancer is so unfair. She was very festive around the holidays.

 

One of my great-Grandmothers passed away in a car accident just a few months after I was born and her husband (my great-Grandfather) died in 2006 from a heart attack (they were both amazing people). He used to come up to visit me and my family every month.

One of my uncles passed away in 2006 (drinking I think).

My Dad passed away in 2009 in a sod truck accident (he supposedly didn't load it properly and it flipped over) just around the corner from my house. No one told me because I hadn't seem him in a couple years, I found out through the internet.

One of my cousins passed way 2009 (brain tumor).

One of my extended family members died in 2012 (suicide).

 

I can't exactly say I miss you because I never allowed myself to really get to know you while you were here. I had my reasons, you being my teacher and I fully aware I could had fallen for you at any moment if I gave myself the chance (and I always thought myself so above that), regardless I still regret not doing some things different. I could have been a little more conversational, a little more reciprocal of the attentions you always had with me, a little less cold when you needed someone to acknowledge you the most.

*sigh* No, I don't have the privilege of missing you, that's a luxury only those that allowed themselves to get close to you can claim. This is about my remorse; this about the one thing I wish I could change; this is about the guilt that haunts me to this day.

This is about me wishing I could miss you, wishing I would have opened up to you when I had the opportunity to create fond memories I could look back to. Memories of days that never were. All because I was too selfish to look past my own concerns, too "smart" to risk letting my feelings go unchecked, too naive for thinking everything was gonna be ok despite all the signs of catastrophe being there.

This is what I get. This is what I have to live with, year by year. I don't get to miss you. I don't get to mourn you. I don't get to move on feeling like there's nothing I could have done. What a convenient lie that would be, but no, I know better. I can't take responsibility for what you did, yet I can take responsibility for what could have been. I could have changed this outcome, or maybe not, who knows? But the fact that I never found out when it mattered is the reason why this guilt is earned. This is what I get for allowing that question to exist in the first place. Could I have changed something? I will never know, I never tried.

The only thing I can do is live for you. This life of mine is yours and mine both now. I can only hope your dreams live on my actions while I'm here. It's my only answer to the question of how to cope. It's the only way I can think of making up for what I should have done. This is my little letter to myself, 'cuz I know full well you are not "out there." I don't get that comfort either, but that's enough wallowing for a day.

 

As sad as it is to read these stories, I really love this thread. Thanks to ahardlife for making this! It's great to know we aren't alone in our pain and rememberance, and to be able to share our feelings and the memories of our precious people! For the record, I also believe, like WhiteKnight, that death is not the end.

Thanks everyone for sharing! (&&&)

 

I'm extremely fortunate that I've had very few experiences with death. The saddest day of my life to date was when my dog, Whitney, was put to sleep at 14 because she could no longer walk. She was born about 7 months before I was so she had always been a constant in my life. I still keep her collar on my desk to comfort me when I'm feeling down.

 

My Mum who died in February 2003 when I was 26 and my younger Sister who died four years later. Miss them terribly at Christmas.

 

i miss my Nan, especially at the holidays the other day was the anniversary of her passing. i was 14 when she died. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't take me being Bi very well though for both generational and religious reasons.

 

Ugh, being single around the holiday season is really depressing. I just think about what would have happened if my boyfriend would have worked out. It was a digital only relationship, as he lived an hour away. We never did meet, but I knew him better than anyone. It was a deep relationship, and it was my first "real" relationship. (real meaning that it pertained to my orientation) I am only 14 though, and I am sure in due time someone will come along.