When I was a kid I felt like a freak. I was scared that people would think I'm a boy, so I always wore dresses and avoided short hair. Eventually I got over that obsession. When I started puberty I was super excited to see my body change. I was also excited to start wearing makeup. The weird thing is, sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and feel like a dragqueen or impostor. I also feel awkward with long hair now. When I wear dresses I sometimes feel like a dragqueen as well. It's a weird feeling. I also enjoy it when people on the internet think I'm a guy. When I imagine myself having straight sex as a girl I feel repulsed, but if I imagine myself having gay sex as a guy I sometimes get turned on. Same with lesbian sex as a girl, but I feel weird if I imagine myself as a guy with a girl. Does this mean I can still be gay or does it mean I'm truly bi? The idea of being a bi girl makes me feel gross for some reason.
well, first things first. Gender and Sexuality are different beasts that are easier tackled one at a time, and to me sexuality seems to be a bit easier for most (most usually have a pretty good idea of who/what turns them on, assuming they aren't in denial). from what you wrote above I'd say that at the very least you are right to question your gender if you are feeling like an imposter when you wear dresses. I guess the real question is would you want people to think you were a male now? you said you used to be afraid that they would think you were a boy as a kid, so is it possible that you were projecting some of your own fears about being a boy onto others? Or was there some reason you would have been afraid that you haven't listed here?
I relate to this a lot. I wanted to be seen as a girl when I was little, but now when I see myself in dresses or tight shirts I feel weird. Anyways, as MN pointed out, there is a difference between gender and sexuality. Furthermore, there's a difference between gender and gender expression. It's possible to be comfortable being female but uncomfortable being feminine. It's possible to be attracted to men but wanting to be the "top".
I know that gender and sexuality are different. I'm just extremely uncomfortable with the idea of being a bisexual girl or being in a straight relationship. I'm wondering if this is a gender issue instead of a sexuality issue. I don't always feel like an impostor or dragqueen. It fluctuates for me. I don't feel male, but I occasionally don't feel that feminine either. I have a feminine first name and I often feel uncomfortable because of it. I don't know exactly why I was scared of being mistaken for a boy. Maybe it was just OCD. I've always felt like my face and mannerisms look too weird or masculine. I wanted to look like a normal girl.
One thing that jumps out at me with a lot of people's thoughts that I've been reading on EC is the self-hatred. It has been, and still is a struggle for me, and all I can say is please don't hate yourself. You're the only person you'll ever be in this lifetime. You have as much right to love yourself, enjoy yourself, and experience life's pleasures as anyone else. For me, I'm finding that my self-hatred relates to things like having unattainable standards, self-sabotage, and putting myself in situations where there's constant "scope creep" and the goal-posts keep getting moved. I think it relates to unresolved childhood issues. I absorbed a lot of family stresses, and 'gender' wasn't one of the safe areas that I could freely explore or form my own opinion on when I was young. It has taken a lot of sleepless nights to figure some of these things out. There's just no point hating what you see in the mirror, I think you should try to love yourself. It's society that should change!
my next question to you would be, does it matter to you to have a label? It almost seems like your concern is primarily with how you will be labeled or perceived by others. If you are feeling extremely uncomfortable thinking of yourself as bi or even straight, then perhaps you really are just gay? Here is the thing about gender, there are an infinite number of ways it can be expressed and explored. The more I come to understand what gender really is, the more I realize that it has no limits or boundaries and can even change as you go through life. It can even change based on who you are interacting with. Sometimes my masculine side comes out in a social situation and other times my feminine side (the one I'm most comfortable with and like the most) comes out. I have even known gay people who were attracted to same sex all through their life until they met someone of the opposite sex that they had a true spiritual connection with, so much so that the physical aspect changed and they found themselves sexually attracted to them. what I'm saying may not be super popular here because most people who are gay or trans or queer have pretty reasonable fear about admitting that it might not be an absolute thing. The privileged straight and "appropriately gendered" folks love to suggest that being gay or trans or queer is just "a phase" that we can and will recover from, so in order to compensate for that small-minded approach many of us feel a desperate need to become entrenched in our gay, trans, or queer identity so that we are taken seriously by them. The issue is that it's none of their business to begin with because it is OUR identity to play with. More and more I'm considering myself to be what Kate Bornstein calls a "Gender Outlaw" because I'm looking at gender and sexuality under a different lens than most people do. I don't see it as a static thing. That doesn't mean it isn't legitimate or that it shouldn't be taken seriously, but where is the fun in dealing with absolutes? That's the same issue we have with the gender binary system, it assumes that two opposite absolutes exist and there is nothing in between or outside of those absolutes. The point I'm making is why does it matter what label you put on yourself? That's not a mean-spirited question, I'm really suggesting that you honestly consider that question for yourself. If you can find the answer to that question you will be free from your quandary because you'll discover the source of your discomfort. Perhaps you are afraid of how your friends will view you, perhaps you are afraid of the job prospects you'll have, perhaps you'll even be afraid of the kind of lovers you can attract... whatever the source of your discomfort may be, the answer you are seeking is just beyond the fear you have. I thought something was wrong with me my whole life and couldn't put my finger on it until I asked the question I was afraid to ask. Was I really a woman stuck in a male body? once I asked that question and honestly answered it for myself everything changed and I found a truth I would never give up. Ask yourself why thinking about being bi or straight or accidently overly masculine bothers you and be willing to find the answer, even if it is scary. I have faith that you can do it, because only you can answer your question my darling. I can only show you the door, you must step through it.
I need a label because for me having a label keeps me grounded and happy. When I don't have a label I feel way too suggestible. I want to work out my gender issues to see if that's one reason I can't accept a female bisexual identity. I feel like bisexual females are perceived as more sexual and feminine. I suspect that's causing some dysphoria for me.
I do feel like bisexual females are perceived as more feminine. I don't know; maybe that's a stereotype. But I never seemed to connect with other bi women. Gender identity might take some exploration. But if you are ultimately a bi woman, you can be a butch/tomboy bi woman. If the label makes you feel uncomfortable, try thinking of yourself as queer or genderqueer or something more general, so you don't have to feel confined by the label. Labels can be defining, they can be confining, and they can change. Give it time.
