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Trouble accepting

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by humiguy, Nov 26, 2014.

  1. humiguy

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    Hello everyone,

    I've been lurking these forums for a long time but just decided to create an account. I'm a 30 years old guy and I've known I was gay since I was a teenager. It took me a long time to really understand and internalize the fact that I couldn't change anything about that and even longer to start somehow dealing with it.

    I don't have a girlfriend, nor I have ever had a serious relationship with a woman. I come from a very accepting background, live in an very liberal city and have a strong social circle of very accepting and open minded friends. I basically have what most closeted gay people would kill to have...

    Over the past few years, I did manage to tell my siblings and a few close friends (7-8 in total) that I was attracted to men. I had a hard time bringing it up (and I think I still would if I were to tell someone else) but I think that's normal. Both my friends and siblings were surprised but very understanding and supportive when I told them and nothing has changed since.

    Despite all the positive reactions (and forgetting the fact that it took me a lot of years to tell people even though I knew that they would be accepting), I'm still not comfortable with myself. I still don't really talk about it (or only do when inebriated) and more importantly have done nothing to start meeting gay men.

    I am physically attracted to older men, which seems to make things more difficult for me. I feel as if I've gotten to the point where I finally convinced myself that gay was fine, but I still think of my being attracted older men as wrong / inappropriate. If i'm being honest, I would say that I'm terrified of what other people will think. I did not tell the friends I came out to about that part and even though I don't feel the need to tell them what my "type" is, I still feel like I should explain that. My complete lack of experience with men also scares me and makes me feel inadequate, so maybe it's just my way of copping out.

    I understand that I am the one making a problem out of this but I still can't seem move past it. Any ideas on how to proceed?

    Thanks for reading!
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hey humiguy, welcome to EC!

    And welcome to a fellow Montrealer!

    Feeling comfortable in your own skin takes time. Yes, I see that you have already taken a lot of time to get as far as you have, but sometimes it takes longer still.

    You are fortunate to be living in an accepting environment, including the city and province that you live in. This is not to say that homophobia does not exist here, it does, and it may even be lurking somewhere inside you.

    Part of this may simply be unfamiliarity with any relationship with any gender. Well, this city offers plenty of opportunities to get involved in the community without the ulterior motive of finding a date. Easier that way, no pressure to do anything other than make friends...which can lead later on to other things.

    Get down to the Village, for starters, just wander around. Many of the shops there will have a copy of Fugues, this city's (simply fabulous!) monthly gay magazine. In it you will find listings of pretty much every notification on sports, social events and community service organizations. Why not get involved with some that may strike your fancy. I go to the "G-Bleus" badminton club (well used to until my knee gave out), I am also involved in Gai Écoute and I am in a gay choir.
     
  3. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    welcome to EC! We are so glad to have you here with us. Sharing our stories with each other really does help. It's helped me. ten days ago I was so anxious and depressed. but sharing here has made all the difference in the world for me. I don't think that there is anything weird or to be ashamed of in your attraction to older men. we all have our idea of an ideal mate, and of course as an older guy I think your pref is very cool. it's great that you're already out to some people, that is the hardest step. just learning to accept ourselves and be ourselves it what it is all about. it's great to have you with us on the journey (&&&)
     
  4. PurpleDude

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    if that's the type of man you're attracted to, I don't see why you'd need anyone else to accept it. unless it was someone you've been with long-term and you're introducing them to friends/family for the first time.

    unless they ask specifically, I don't see why you would either.

    if you're positive it's older men you're attracted to, you should be at peace with that and enjoy meeting someone new, just like you did with the women you went out with.

    I hope this helps. :slight_smile:
     
  5. humiguy

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    Thanks a lot for the replies, they're really appreciated.

    I actually really like the idea of meeting other people through community activities. I'm currently travelling but will be sure to check it out when I get back home.

    Anyway thanks for making feel welcome. Looking forward to reading and interacting with the people here
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    There has been a lot of discussion on the forums pertaining to age differences. At 30 years old, you should feel comfortable meting and seeing anyone that makes you happy, regardless if they are older or not. There is more in a relationship to do with interpersonal chemistry, maturity compatibility and physical attraction than age. No need to let age be a limiting factor.
     
  7. skiff

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    Hi,

    I am your inverse. LOL

    I am not into 20 somethings but mid 30's (arbitrary #) and up is ok now.

    Never had a gay boyfriend that age but recent events changed me. At orientation with a new employer I met a 36 year old guy and we were instant friends. He is straight so sex never came into it. It was who he is as a person that mattered. He is like a brother to me. No, better than a brother.

    Anyway, meeting him totally rewrote the age thing for me.

    There would always be the issue where age of the older partner could create caretaker issues for a younger partner in his prime. A partner in declining health is an issue for any couple, but all couples deal with that eventually. My dad died at age 73 and my mom is a very fit 86 year old now. I do not think you can worry about that.

    Do I feel odd kicking around with a 36 year old? I never think about it as what people think is their issue not mine. Would I bring my friend to family stuff, yup without even thinking.

    So I think age is irrelevent as long as it is a healthy relationship and as a EC advisor once said the people are on even footing, and there is balance in the relationship.

    So there is an older guy's evolved perspective.

    Just be careful. Look for healthy balance.

    Tom
     
  8. SextonOutlaw

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    Being comfortable in your own skin and accepting what you like is a life process for everyone, but being gay makes for a bit longer and more difficult process for most of us.

    When people are growing up, they go through the normal process of developing socially at specific ages/phases....or at least we are supposed to in order to develop fully and correctly.

    Since we were not our authentic selves at the time of learning how to interact with and relate to others, and we didn't have role models, and we didn't date (typically) at the time of puberty) and we didn't have like people to mirror ourselves off of....well, we just didn't get what we needed when we needed it.

    So we have our work cut out for us, learning to love ourselves and be whole people on a different timetable than the rest of the planet.

    Some of the things that most helped me in the transition to a man who is living the life I want;
    * support group made up of other gay men, where we talked about issues I thought I was the only one going through
    * PFLAG meetings, where I learned that there are people who are loving and accepting of us just as we are
    * reading books about the psychology of being gay, unmet needs, positive acceptance, coming out and so on

    I wish you well as you continue on the path to self-acceptance!
     
  9. vamonos

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    I still struggle with it after 40 years. When I was in high school we were just having fun. Later I learned to hide my sexuality.

    You have to work on it a day at a time.
     
  10. Wildside

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    Sexton, thanks for posting those resources. I am going to look into them. I really need them. And vamanos, thanks for sharing something I can identify with. Each time I read something like that I feel a tiny bit less isolated. I didn't have the experiences in high school, but I longed for them with all my heart AND I tried with clumbsy efforts with a friend and with classmates. Maybe it would have 6
     
  11. Wildside

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    Maybe it would have made a difference if I had succeeded but who knows. Either way, I know what I wanted.
     
  12. humiguy

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    Thanks again for your replies and for sharing your experiences! I will look into the resources suggested (particularly interested in the books).
     
  13. Cool Bananas

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    I am also into older guys; I would ideally like someone only a few years older than me say 10 but there are a lot of older guys; those in their 60s and 70s who love younger guys.

    I am currently seeing a guy who is 25 years older than me; unfortunately a relationship with this person is not going to happen but I enjoy spending time with them and of course enjoying their wine cellar.

    I have played with a guy 30 years older than me and he loves guys who are around 30.
     
  14. titanV

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    Welcome, and I'm glad you decided to join (I was a lurker for quite some time before joining recently too :slight_smile: )

    I can totally relate to your situation, accepting my sexuality but not being comfortable talking about it, and not having done much progress in putting myself out there.

    I suspect a big part of it has to do with shame and guilt - have you considered going to a therapist for that? That's what I am planning to do. I don't think I could go to a group session at this point, but a one-on-one visit might be bearable. Maybe same applies to you... It would also give you an opportunity to talk to someone IRL about your "type" since you mentioned that you're not willing to speak to your close friends about it. Besides, I noticed here that a lot of people swear by the benefits of going to one.

    I wish I had a better advise (just thinking out loud tbh), but as said before, I'm in the same boat as you, and have more questions than answers at this point..


    I sure hope he opened a DRC for ya!:slight_smile:
     
    #14 titanV, Nov 28, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2014
  15. humiguy

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    I did go see a therapist (2 different therapists over the years actually). They certainly helped in some ways but there is no magic there either (at least there wasn't any for me).

    Maybe I just didn't find the right one for me, but I never felt as comfortable as I hoped I would. Every week finding stuff to talk about was a bit of a struggle to be honest (perhaps I am to blame for not talking about the "real things", I don't know, I kind of expected them to guide the conversation more than they did).

    Ultimately I felt like I wasn't getting that much out of it and decided to stop going (after ~10 months the last time). I wanted to stop over-thinking everything and try and act naturally, or "go with the flow". I guess that didn't work magically either :slight_smile:

    Honestly I would go back, but I would have to be confident that the experience would be better. And it is pretty hard to find a therapist (how the hell do you shop for one anyway??)
     
  16. Yossarian

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    I don't know how your friends are going to think about your liking older men, if they bother to think about it at all, but I assure you that you are going to make a lot of new older friends if you try. :slight_smile:

    They will be happy to meet you and give you all the help you need getting comfortable with your sexuality and the gay surroundings. Put out some ads in the local social media that you are interested in meeting older men, and get ready to get busy.
     
  17. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    thanks for sharing your experience with therapists. I'm seriously thinking about trying that route again, but you remind me that it's not a magic bullet. my last efforts didn't work, but I wasn't honest about being gay back then, so what could I expect? but even if I'm honest, who knows if it will help?
     
  18. nerdbrain

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    It's really like interviewing candidates for a job.

    Do a proximity search in Google or ZocDoc and make a list. Proximity is important since you'll want to be able to get there easily from home or work. You can also google "gay therapist" or variations on that to find people with that specialty.

    Visit their sites or personal pages to screen them further. Obviously you can favor those with an LGBT speciality. A good next step is to have a quick call and hear how they sound. If you are comfortable disclosing, you should mention that you are working on coming out -- their response should give you a good sense of whether they are qualified to help.

    Many therapists will offer an initial consultation for free or a reduced price. If they don't publish that, you can ask.

    Keep in mind that most good therapists don't accept insurance (at least here in NYC) because mental health coverage is so bad. However you may be able to submit claims and get reimbursed after the fact. Actually I just realized you are in Canada so perhaps your socialized medicine may be a huge advantage :slight_smile:

    Good luck!
     
  19. humiguy

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    Thanks nerdbrain. This all makes sense and is more or less the way I looked for one in the past.

    Not trying to sounds lazy, but I still think it's hard work though. It's relatively difficult to get a feeling for how comfortable you will be talking to someone from a phone conversation (IMO). And then when you meet them and actually get to the point where you talk about anything worth talking about, you feel pretty invested!

    But that's just me complaining. There is really no way around that and the effort is certainly worth it.

    Wildside said that
    In a way, I think that's actually the very first valuable thing I got out of therapy. Because the relationship is entirely one-sided (with you being the only one sharing stories and them listening), you realize real fast that you're just wasting your time and money by not being honest. If anything, it will force you to reflect on the fact that you are literally paying someone to lie to them, with no hope of gaining anything from it. To me, it was a pretty big incentive to try and be as honest as possible during therapy.
     
  20. nerdbrain

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    I would add that many therapists are not entirely one-sided, and do often disclose some aspects of their lives and personal experiences that are useful in the therapeutic context. It's a delicate line for them to walk but many do.

    Most therapists believe that the therapeutic relationship, not any particular philosophy, is what ultimately brings healing. And they realize that it is hard for you, as a patient, to trust someone who sits there and projects nothing, like a blank wall. That is the old Freudian model and it has largely disappeared here in the U.S.