casual sex?

I hear you Wildside!!

 

A little formal wear can certainly be a nice aphrodisiac, however....

 

Casual sex can be great. Sex with an emotional connection even better, maybe in part because it's harder to find.

The ease of finding gay male casual sex is a double edged sword. There's no woman in the equation who has been societally programmed to hold back in fear of seeming easy/slutty. On the down side, I think gay guys can get addicted to the excitement of the first time with someone new. Since the next new guy is as close as a phone app and the temptation so easy to satisfy, it makes building enduring relationships more challenging.

 

As far as the turn the thread took I wholeheartedly agree with Choirboy above. Yeah, there's a lot of bad stuff out there and it's still your life. I've had a lot of people on this site sort of act like my experience doesn't count because apparently I live some sort of charmed life where there's no homophobia and everybody just sort of stands around hand in hand singing kumbaya--and yeah, there's some truth to that. I'm accepted by family and friends, my partner is insured by my company. I sometimes think my coworkers like my partner more than they like me.:lol: My experience of the gay community has been shockingly positive--really moving and affirming.

But it's not like I sprang out of my mother's womb that way. I grew up in the seventies and eighties in Utah. My family is Mormon and deeply religious. When I realized I wasn't straight early in life I genuinely did not know it was a thing--I really thought I might be the only one. I tried to kill myself my senior year in high school. At the time I came out I really only knew one person who was fully out and his parents had disowned him. And then the day came when I realized I had to stand up for myself and if people weren't accepting well I'd just have to be me, be awesome and be openly gay until they changed what they thought. And part of that was letting people in and trusting people, trusting that given the right information they would do the right thing. Shit happens, it happens to everyone--and you either deal with it or you don't. Railing against it isn't dealing with it.

Wheew--so on to casual sex. I've sort of seen both sides of this one. I've been in a faithful relationship for 17 years--and before that, well, lets just say I've been with more people than I generally admit to in casual conversation. They're both awesome--if they are what you want at that time. My one piece of advice would be to only do it if you are really comfortable with it--and only do it with other people who are really comfortable with it. There's nothing more depressing than sharing a wonderful moment with someone and then having them skulk off into the night, clearly consumed by regret. Don't set yourself up to have someone do that to you--and don't be that guy to someone else. I've had that encounter but I've also had the encounter where you sit in bed afterward and eat ice cream and talk for five hours. I've had guys break out chilled gatorade because surely after that performance we could both use some electrolyte replacement and then laid around his bed all night looking through his comic book collection. I've actually had two guys send me flowers the next day--not to try to spark something further, but just to say thanks for a job well done.:lol: Be one of those guys, not the guy who skulks off into the night making the guy who shared his body with you feel like he may have just ruined your life...

 

I would probably be tempted to reply, ' I'm not sure I would be able to recognize you at the Mall. ' or ' is that your high school year book photo?'

 

Dunot know, that would only happen if you get some all the time... Actually that happens with snything in excess, excess of sex is not that usual... Is not even easy

 

I always find sex to be intense, not casual, even if I am the only one in the room. :icon_wink

 

I just don't like casual sex for myself , I like emotional attachment , but I could do casual sex . I'm okay with others doing it if they like , it cases me because I'm scared of stds too .

 

sometimes casual is the only option. but what about couples in committed relationships who also have casual sex? sometimes, bringing someone if for a three way, like one gay couple I know. Or, like another gay couple where I know, they have kind of an open relationship. they've been together for years and are committed to one another, but agree that they can each have casual sex on the side. I was talking with one of them, and he seemed resentful of the fact that his partner was getting more on the side than he was, though he too was having casual. can a committed relationship survive casual sex outside the relationship, even if there is an "agreement"?

 

For some people but I wouldn't wanna do this crap you can't date me and have people on the side .

 

Black tie sex -- that fits in with at least one fantasy I have ;-)

I can argue that "morality" defines sex as monogamous, I can argue that non-monogamy is ethical (or can be ethical).

Coming out of the closet -- shaking the chains that come with that -- for some that means holding hands walking down Main Street with your partner. And for some it includes not holding onto the cultural, religious, etc. norms that are about having and enjoying sex.

I've had a wide range of experiences since coming out. Some I want to repeat, others I wouldn't.

Now that I'm recently single (news flash).... at some point I'm going to be ready to enjoy romance and sex (in what ever order, perhaps). Ultimately though? Yes, I want a monogamous relationship. At least in my heart.

Others?

 

It's a complicated issue with complicated points, I think.

Much of it IS similar to homophobia, I think, simply from the "as for me, so for all" mindset. *I* would never have sex with another man, therefore other men having sex with other men is disgusting and wrong. *I* would only have sex with somebody I'm in a serious relationship with, therefore anybody having sex outside of one is perverted. Which is silly. I mean, I think pistachio ice cream is a major error in the system, but I don't try to get stores to pull it from the shelves.

Casual sex carried the WRONG label for quite some time. That label has faded a fair amount over the past thirty years, but I think a lot of the response has been reactionary. Casual sex actually DOES have its share of pitfalls and possible problems. So when I'm advising somebody heading in that direction, I try to both explain and clarify those issues, all while trying to remain steadfastly sex-positive. I DO think sex is an awesome thing, inside or outside a relationship, and ideally, I think people should be taught that, along with teaching them how to avoid the pitfalls involved. So if they want to engage in casual sex, they can do so while remaining relatively safe physically and emotionally. And if they'd rather wait for a relationship, that's totally fine, too.

Lex

 

Casual sex is great, but... I think that for me, as I have progressed in accepting that I am gay, I have been more drawn to having sex with a person, rather than with body parts. A lot of the latter was a part of my denial, and the need to be secretive ("discrete" is the word you see a lot). but more and more, I want to be with a person. It goes beyond all the safety and security issues of safe or unsafe sex. It becomes about wanted to share thoughts and experiences with another person, another human being. being a GMHM (Gay male in heterosexual marriage), the secrecy and not being able to share has really created a superficial relationship for me in what is supposed to be a totally open and intimate relationship with a best friend. so casual sex has its limits, especially when it is, like it has been for me, the product of secretiveness and shame. but I know that this is not the case for all casual sex. even being totally out, casual sex is a part of the sex life of many gay men, just because of our wiring as men to spread the seed around generously. and in that context, I think that there is always some room for casual sex. I feel personally that even in a committed relationship I would always want the door for casual sex to always be open, lest there eventually be lies and secrets in that relationship as we try to pretend that it will never happen. just some rambling, so don't get too upset about these thoughts from a gay man who is still trying to figure things out.

 

One of my favorite quotes comes from an unlikely source.

"Plan your life...in pencil."

There's nothing wrong with having plans for your sex life once you enter the realm of (gay) sex/relationships. But just be aware that your attitudes and plans and feelings might change once you involve yourself in it. It's a bit like having plans for what you'll do in high school or college - you might have had plans on what you would do, but once you were involved in it, you had a better view as to what it was all about, and how you wanted to react to it. Possibly, your plans didn't change at all, but perhaps they did.

This statement isn't totally inaccurate but I do think I should clarify a bit.

It's not like sex here is black and white - either you're with somebody you're in a committed relationship with, or you're banging a stranger. There's a lot of grey in between. My first sex was with a guy I literally picked up - he was hitchhiking. And so yeah, there wasn't much connection there. But everybody since then has been somebody I got to know, even if we weren't in a committed relationship. It might be a stretch to call ALL of them "friends with benefits", as I'm not sure I was close enough to a few of them to be called "friends". But if I chatted with any of them about something non-sexual, that wouldn't have seemed weird or out of place. So with them, it was something more than just "a plug-in session", even if we never "made love". The sex was symbiotic - something we both really enjoyed, that we enjoyed doing with each other.

Lex

 

Casual sex is ok with me. As long as it's between consenting adults. The operative word is consent. Period.

I was one of those clean-cut types in college and about 5 years later changed my mantra to "strike while the iron is hot." It worked for me ... without guilt. I'll talk about shame and internalized homophobia/biphobia in a second. Whether you're Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, or Muslim, there will be a guilt trip about premarital, extramarital, and homosexual sexual expriences. Evangelical Protestants will be just as uptight about same-sex sex as will be conservative Catholics. It's a coin toss as to who is worse.

About the shame and homophobia, have you ever noticed how many gay men and lesbians shoot themselves in the foot when it comes to relationships, either by not getting into one when one is in the offing or having open relationships that cause a lot of grief to one or both of the people in the pair? I think the availability of sex with no strings attached makes this easier, especially when the participants just aren't wired to making a nest or procreating. Given that, on a percentage basis, it doesn't look like many men and women couple amongst themselves on a serious and monogamous basis, do you really expect people to suppress their sexual desires until the right one comes along? Hell no. The watershed event for me happened on a road trip far away from home and in my late 20s: great weather, beautiful location, somewhat of a tourist area, and somebody the exact same age putting the moves on me. I thought, "Who the hell is going to see this so far from home?" So I partook. It felt great. In fact, I stuck around town, staying at the Motel 6 to save money for 2 more nights than planned, and went to the beach for the next 2 days before continuing my trip home.

I really don't see how NOT getting into a relationship constitutes shame and internalized homophobia when there are so many flaky or complicated people floating around that you don't want complicating your life. I was once in a bar, which is an environment I don't particularly like, but I was on vacation in a sunny place. I struck up a conversation with a guy right around my age then, which would have been about 31 or 32. He was a fairly new doctor, clean cut, collegiate, "straight looking," short blondish-brown hair, and keeping to himself. As the brief conversation went on, he lamented, practically on the verge of tears, "A person is just so vulnerable." I got it. To him, vulnerability meant emotional attachment. To me, vulnerability meant steering clear of STIs. I would think a doctor would have been thinking along the same lines. I couldn't relate to it or to him. I've seen a lot of these professional type guys, who are good but not great looking, waiting for their fictitious Prince Charming, and waiting until the cows come home.

Per Lex, FWBs can work fine. It's with a person who you have sex with and like. The litmus test is almost, "would I have been friends with this person if we worked together, went to school together, and there was no sex?" Sometimes the friendship fades and sometimes it doesn't. I have seen some flakiness in these situations as well, but less of it.

So, casual sex happens. Deal with it. And, it happens just as much among heterosexuals - just look at all the problems it creates in the workplace, for one thing. The important things are not to catch any bugs, not to get into a legal hassle because of it, and not to get anyone pregnant - whichever may apply to the participants.

Happy Thanksgiving, by the way.

 

What a beautiful "watershed event.". I like sex a lot, casual or committed. It just depends on the circumstances of my life at the moment. When I was operating out of shame, it was limited in practice and in my head. But no w it's all good.

 

this

 

I call this event a watershed event because it was the first one that didn't have guilt attached. However, it's not something I would boast about to anyone and everyone at lunch. It wasn't beautiful, at least to me, as much as it felt sensual and uninhibited. The setting was something, so that made a difference, too.

In reality, the experience that preceded it right before college and, that's right, there wasn't any same sex experimentation between the above experience and the one I'm about to describe. On the other hand, the one right before college was very intense and it did come with guilt. It also occurred much closer to home, though not in my suburb or ones immediately around it.

 

I can't wait until "that" period of my life is over.