male gay later in life poll - what age out/questioning?

I'm not quite sure what you mean by this--were you thinking there would be more or fewer people who came out earlier in life?

 

54 here and still not out but really began questioning at 45 when I met this guy. He was the first man who ever kissed me. I was stunned but aroused. We had very brief sex and all the way home I said to myself "never again"! I tried to put my feelings on the shelf but two weeks later I found myself back at his place and I just let the floodgates open (no pun intended). Thus began a secret affair which I still feel guilty about. I finally ended it but find myself on a path where there's no turning back.

So now for me - it's not a question about coming out - only when. This forum has helped me so much in realizing that and I've read a lot of great advice.

---------- Post added 18th Nov 2014 at 11:52 AM ----------

OMG Wildside - I did the same thing but not really until recently. Hearing the words "I'm gay"
coming from your own mouth is reaffirming isn't it? I actually say it to myself all the time now. Tricky part will be to tell everyone else. I look forward to the day when I can be out and proud of it.

 

Me too! But give it time, the tide may turn yet

 

Almost identical timeline for me having finally come out permanently at age 41. Knew I was gay in my teens, even came out to family at 18 against my better judgement (at the behest of my then-boyfriend) and after facing threats of being disowned and kicked out because of my "lifestyle choice", promptly went back into to the closet and ended up married at 24. Kept the gay me buried for over 16 years (with the moderately regular attention to gay porn as my only psychological relief from the pressure cooker of the closet) until a series of personal/family events triggered a mental meltdown that forced me to accept reality and face the consequences of the real life choices I've made, not my sexuality. I'm now divorced for 3 and a half months, have an amazing boyfriend (someday husband, already mutually agreed and essentially just a formality at this point ).

 

I remember those days of "lifestyle choice." I bought into that, and that kept me in denial for more years because I kept trying to choose to be straight. Funny thing is that at the time, it was a step forward for tolerance, suggesting that we should respect other people's choices. It wasn't until the scientific community started talking it not being a choice that I could start asking myself honest questions. Another one is "don't ask Don't tell" in the military. Someone once said to me that they thought it must have been hard for me when that was the rule. hahahaha. I wish that had been the rule when I was in. That was a giant step forward that Clinton gave us, and fortunately it paved the way for more openings to justice for men and women in the military. but when I was in the military, the rule was "we don't care if you tell or not, we're going to hunt you down and put all you f---s in jail and give you a general discharge anyway." Those were very scarey times.

 

And of course the idea that it was a "lifestyle choice" was doubly damaging, because being gay is neither a lifestyle nor a choice! I couldn't ever see myself in what was considered the "lifestyle" at the time, and I was absolutely sure that if being gay was a "choice", I could also choose NOT to be. Not true, any of it, but to someone who was pretty clueless about sexuality to begin with, it set a lot of things in motion that I'm still unraveling. At least now I can see my way to a much better future, and the hell with "lifestyle choices". I choose to be happy.

BTW GayDadStr8Marig, your "someday husband" sounds like an exceptionally lucky guy.

 

yeah, that "choice" of the "lifestyle" held out a single model of gayness that wasn't appealing to me. Like the gay character played by Jim J Bullock on "Too Close For Comfort." Besides the fact that it kind of mocked the gay character, it made it harder for me to see myself as gay. After all, I wasn't like him. And he was the butt of all the homophobic jokes, which wasn't appealing. I think that one of the best things that has happened to break that "lifestyle" stereotype has been the widespread acceptance of gay marriage. It has helped people to understand that we are just like everyone else, with all the same dreams, fears, and aspirations. Everybody, LGBT, straight, or otherwise should be able to form whatever "lifestyle" suits their personality, as unique as they are.

 

I think it is. I'm not sure how the poll correlates to that--I'm really not trying to be argumentative I just don't understand the comment. I think this site gives a really skewed picture of who's out there and how they are dealing with being in or out of the closet. I think it skews towards the young (possibly too young to come out) and the older (possibly too complicated to come out) and of course it skews towards those who are having difficulty coming out or are particularly inclined to think/talk about the experience.

There's a huge section right there in the middle (20-35) of people who had some growing pains coming out but did it in their early twenties (more and more in their teens which makes me so happy and insanely jealous at the same time) and just kind of never looked back. Unlike some of us from older generations they grew up thinking of being gay as an option, maybe not the one the people around them would choose for them, but an option. They either knew gay people growing up or at least knew of them. I remember honestly wondering if I might be the only one when I started to have feelings for other guys--I'm not saying it's not difficult now but hardly anyone in a developed country grows up not knowing there are gay people out there and that at least some of them seem rather happy about it.

I think that whole segment of people who came out in their twenties (or earlier now) and are out on their own are just not as characterized by all the hand ringing about their sexuality that is, let's face it, this site's bread and butter. I've talked with quite a few of my gay friends about this site and how interesting I find it all and almost to a person they think it's strange that I read this board. I will say in my twenties (with the exception of the couple months before I came out--during which it would have been a Godsend) I certainly wouldn't have had a lot of time for this sort of thing--I wasn't too inclined to think about being gay I was too busy being gay! For a while there it was practically a vocation for me.:lol:

Don't get me wrong--I really do think this site is awesome and full of wonderful kind people who help me think about being gay in ways I am not normally inclined to do, I just don't think it is in any real way representative of broader trends in coming out.

 

A couple of things... First, a lot of the younger guys are not in this area of the forum. Secondly, there is a generation gap in part of the 20-29 area as well as 30-39. Some people call 28-35 year olds "millenials", but we aren't really. I grew up without a phone until senior year of high school. I can unplug a lot easier than those 10 years younger than me. Sorry, rambling, but there was certainly a decline in births between 1980-85 due to the economy. Some people I believe are pondering coming out but are waiting until things get better locally. I just get that feeling around here. Not sure what will be our breakthrough will be here in Michigan, but it will happen.

 

one thing for sure that I'm learning in EC is that no matter what age we come out at, or what age we are now, we have so much in common and have been through so many similar experiences. I have been a bit surprised but a lot grateful for people who are less than half my age but who have shared such tremendous wisdom and such warm consolation.

 

Not out at all, but at least out to myself .. may be I'm late but working on it .. not really sure.

 

"out to myself" was the biggest and most important step I have ever taken in my life. The rest will come in its own time, I think. I have only come out to a few since then, but it was always a case of knowing it was right, not feeling pressured or anxious. Those pressured or anxious moments might have to happen as well, but I'm not ready for those yet. I suspect, though, that I'll know when it's time, if it's ever time. In the meantime, if anyone who knows me happens to stumble on my profile on EC, they'll know and I'll be out to them. I just won't necessarily know that I'm out to them, especially if they're not ready to come out to me, or admit that they were looking at EC!!! :icon_wink

 

I guess if someone finds out by being on this forum, then good for them because at least they'll be sharing something with you (or me for that matter), I think that it'll pave the road on a face to face discussions and might be fruitful too.

 

Even though I knew I was somehow different from other guys, not interested in much sport and was a creative type, I only started to really question my sexuality and start looking at gay porn in my mid-40s. I had never thought of doing anything with a guy before that even though I have known many “Stereotypical” gay guys from my involvement with the theatre. I after first coming out to my therapist I came out to my wife at 53.

 

I seriously began questioning who I really was back in middle school, then forgot about this, started thinking about it again in my thirties after seeing my male neighbor, Jon
going to the bathroom with the door open. he was using my bathroom and shitting and then turned around and started peeing. We were both nude, and this was just prior to us having blow-job sex and making out.


Some time has passed, and now I definitely know I am gay, and transgendered.
And best of all, I do not regret my actions.

Jaymegurl

 

How many years I danced around what was obvious when I was in my teens. I was born in 1960...My attractions always beaten down..overcompensated with women...married 4 times...good grief, one would think I should just accept it and move on. I did come out to some family and friends, but they didn't believe me! Did not want to accept it...Back into the closet and my self doubts...Are they right? Is it just a phase? A fad? The cool thing to do when gay marriage is blooming across the USA? I know, but I just don't know...why is it so hard to accept?

 

Out? Anytime I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar or looking a nanosecond or two too long, and I have been.

Questioning? I'm still questioning. And it's not denial. It's MY reality. I would say the watershed event was having a completely unplanned experience, "brokered" by a teenage friend going to another high school, with an older (30 something, then) guy about 2 months prior to the end of high school. If you want to talk about a mind blowing (no pun intended) experience and the neurosis that came on the heels of that, it was quite significant. And when I say unplanned, I mean unplanned. However, I acceded to the event when this situation presented itself. If it didn't happen then, I suspect it would have happened shortly thereafter - within the next 1 to 5 years, so ... oh well.

Late teens is not one of the poll options.

 

One step forward, three steps back into the closet. Friends and family think I don't know what I "want". Im gay, I know it...Why is it so hard for others to accept us folks who come out later in life?