Okay, so I've been thinking recently and I don't know what to make of something. When I was in eighth grade, I cut all of my hair off. It was shorter than a lot of the other boy's hair in my grade. I know pixie cuts/short hair is common and popular among girls, but that wasn't it. Eventually, I began to dress like a boy and go out in public like that. I would bind my chest with super tight sports bras and shop from the boy's clothing department. And I passed pretty well. I'd tell my sister, "If anyone asks, I'm your brother." A lot of people were confused because I sounded like a girl but looked like a boy. I got made fun of and bullied relentlessly at school because I'd go to school dressed like a boy sometimes if I was brave enough. I'd write stories about me disguising myself as a boy or other girls doing the same. I watched Mulan over and over and read books where girls dressed as boys constantly. I felt as if I could relate to them. This continued until the middle of 9th grade, when my mother asked me if I wanted to be a boy and I said that I didn't know. My mother and stepfather were absolutely disgusted with me, and said that they thought homosexuality was terrible and that I'd go to hell. My stepfather and mother threatened to kick me out and cut off all ties with me if I did not grow out my hair and wear girl clothes. Needless to say, I did what they said out of fear. A few months passed and I needed to trim my hair into a bob for a play and I just started to cry in the salon because I was terrified that they'd kick me out. Regardless, they kicked me out in the summer before the 10th grade. My grandparents took my sister and me in. Now I am at college and I still dress in girl's clothing and have long hair that reaches down to the middle of my back. I want to cut my hair, but I still don't really know if I want to dress in boy's clothes, but I'm wondering if that's due to fear or not. Sometimes, I find myself wishing that I were a guy and had male reproductive organs, but other times, I'm fine with being a girl and having my female reproductive parts. Last year, I admitted to myself that I'm bisexual (after years upon years of denying it), but I've told no one in my family because I'm sure they'd react poorly, as they're not the friendliest to the LGBT community. I'd be even more terrified admitting to them this. I don't even know what this is. Can you help me? I'm scared and don't know what it is that I'm feeling.
Sorry about all the problems with your family (*hug*) It might be scary to try wearing men's clothes again after all that, but it might help you explore your feelings a bit more.
I agree with Max - if you try on male clothes, it will possibly help you determine how you feel. Just take little steps - if you really enjoy male clothes, think about how you would feel going out in public with them. How it would feel to be perceived as male, called by male pronouns etc. We are here for you (*hug*)
I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this, I'm sure its very difficult. just do whatever you feel in your heart is what you want and what would make you love yourself. it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as you're happy with who you are. from what I can tell, you are a lovely person, whatever gender you chose to identify as. if people won't accept that, they aren't worth your majesty just keep pushing, things will get better! loves love love and hugs
A lot of my gender questioning came about somewhat similarly, although when I came out as bi everyone was basically cool with it. My family just assumed I was integrating a 'butch' type look and it was never a big deal that I wore guys clothes, had short hair, never wore dresses/ heels/ carried a purse. Obviously your family having such a bad reaction isn't very comforting, but sometimes you just have to remember this is your life, and you have to do what makes you feel comfortable. I ended up identifying as genderfluid, and falling under the non-binary umbrella. That could be you, or any number of things. But for now, just wear what you want to wear. I would try to find a GLBT center or community support group. or even better, a gay-straight alliance at your high school/ college (if you go). Finding friends in your area to hang out with in similar situations helps a LOT, and knowing you won't become some friendless weirdo. You won't!
You might have a look at this: Am I Transgender or Transsexual - Teens Wonder Am I Transgender or Transsexual and this: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/150966-androgyne-identity.html#14 and this: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anony.../147192-transitioning-where-do-i-start.html#4 The tg spectrum goes i.e. from people living with almost androgynous appearance, to styling more like the preferred gender, to taking hormones, etc. Of course the list is not all possible options. It's up to you to collect further information... You might also for example talk to a gender therapist or someone from an lgbt center, if that's what you want. I would do things I'm comfortable with, don't feel pressured to do something... its your decision... There is no only one right way to do this. Its your choice what you want to do... Its a lot of information... I'd say take your time... and build some community, take part on EC, its for example possible to chat with others via wall messages, and later as full member via the chat and private messages... there are support groups, and you might think about counseling... (*hug*)(*hug*)
Thank you all so much for your help! I'm going to head over to the GLBT center at my college after the holidays as well.
