1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Rejected a girl because I felt gay, now I like her

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Paradoxiolitic, Nov 9, 2014.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. Paradoxiolitic

    Paradoxiolitic
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2014
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    São Paulo, Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I've spoken about this before, but I just feel like I need to say it out again... I want to see some responses, any, I really just want to share... I'll try to elaborate on this later, but for now:

    A girl told me she was going through a crisis with her 3 year boyfriend, tells me it's because she likes me. I tell her I'm gay and wasn't interested. I really felt that way. I had come out to myself. We remained great friends and it became greater. I helped her patch things up with her boyfriend, gave her support.

    About a month later, I begin to feel as if I was crushing on her. Huge identity crisis ensues. Repressed that feeling. I flip-flopped through days of feeling like shit and others where I accepted myself more. My sex drive has lowered drastically, though it seems like it might be coming back.

    We're still great friends, but there are some days when I just feel madly in love with her. I want a relationship with her. Things with her boyfriend are going well again. And sometimes I feel like shit for thinking of somehow botching their relationship again.

    tl;dr: Rejected a girl, told her I was gay, helped her sort things out with her boyfriend. Emotional crisis. Now I like her a lot.

    This mess started around 6-7 months ago. As for ages, I'm 18 and she's 21. We're still great friends.

    I just wanted to put it out... I don't know what I'm really asking for here, but here it is. Feel free to respond with whatever you might find best... Thanks
     
    #1 Paradoxiolitic, Nov 9, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2014
  2. Toneth

    Toneth
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2011
    Messages:
    298
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    northeast ohio
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well sexuality isn't always black and white, but as for having a thing for someone who is in a relationship, failing or not, will probably only end in heartbreak.
     
    #2 Toneth, Nov 9, 2014
  3. DitzieDigsGuys

    DitzieDigsGuys Guest

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2014
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    utah
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    ouchhhhhhhh :/
     
    #3 DitzieDigsGuys, Nov 9, 2014
  4. bicomplicated

    bicomplicated
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2014
    Messages:
    624
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    KY
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    huh. Can you elaborate more on how you feel about her and how you feel about being with guys? I mean, do you think you are sexually attracted to her or just emotionally attracted because of the history of your friendship? Have you considered you may be bi with more attraction for guys possibly but able to be with women? I don't know; I can't tell you your sexuality. Only you can figure that out. But that is what you should do; take the time and do some real soul searching until you figure this out. It may take a while. Also, with her being in a relationship, this is probably bad timing for you... I'm sorry, but I hope you figure things out. Best of luck.
     
    #4 bicomplicated, Nov 9, 2014
  5. Paradoxiolitic

    Paradoxiolitic
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2014
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    São Paulo, Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Well, before I began crushing on her I was only into guys, I certainly desired a boyfriend, imagined myself cuddling with one and it felt right and downright awesome. Right now, I'm not really sure I want to be involved in a same sex relationship, as in it appears it may not be completely fulfilling.

    Emotionally attracted? Definitely. Sexually? Not so sure. I now think she is absolutely gorgeous, but not in a lustful way. I could keep looking at her face and hair and smile for a whole day. This is one of the things that makes this whole story so intriguing to me: right after I began noticing stronger feelings for her, my sexual attraction to guys basically hit rock bottom. For the few days after that moment I couldn't even decide if I found a man's face appealing or not. For the following couple weeks or so I was basically asexual.

    However, I began noticing women more, but again, not in a lustful way, but from an aesthetic perspective. My attraction to men slowly reappeared, but still today is nowhere as strong as it once was.

    As for the bisexual thing, I'm not really sure, I'm just going without a label for now.

    I keep thinking and thinking and thinking what would it be like if I had said I liked her back. But I just didn't feel that way at that moment. Still, it seems I'm unable to stop envisioning what the present would be had I said that.

    Thanks for the responses
     
    #5 Paradoxiolitic, Nov 10, 2014
  6. Paradoxiolitic

    Paradoxiolitic
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2014
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    São Paulo, Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Does anyone have more input? Today has been one of the days when I can't stop thinking of us together. I'm thinking if I should let go, but I don't want to the least, she's probably the person with the best personality I've ever met, she's funny, smart, tons of fun to be around, comforting and so many other things. Afterall, she DID tell me she saw me as more than a friend... The idea of forming a relationship with her seems so realistic somehow.
    But I'm starting to become afraid that I might do something that might jeopardize our relationship and maybe hers in the near future...

    I'm so sorry if this sounds like rambling or attention whoring, I can see how it might seem like that... I just really want some feedback...

    Thanks
     
    #6 Paradoxiolitic, Nov 13, 2014
  7. kindy14

    kindy14 Guest

    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2014
    Messages:
    788
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Indianapolis, IN
    Gender:
    Male
    oh, don't worry, you are in crisis, ramble on... I do it all the time.

    Ah, unrequited affection... it can be a bitch. You have 3 options I think.

    1 - you tell her (prepare yourself for rejection, but you never know unless you ask)
    2 - you don't and try to remain friends (which will never get any less frustrating)
    3 - you don't and split as friends (which will be hard at first, but less frustrating in the long run)

    Can't tell you what to choose, or what your label is. You are who you are.

    For me, with 32 years of experience to look back on, go for #1. To many times I choose #2 and it just doesn't work out. I'm always wanting to take things to the next level. Jealous when they're with their boyfriends. Angry when the boyfriends treat them like shit. Being friend-zoned when you are seriously infatuated with someone is painful. A lot less painful then just asking and getting knocked down. Sort of like ripping a band-aid off instead of trying to peel it off slow.

    I'm only still friends with 1 out of like 6 friends I was in to.

    That one, she was the nicest letting me down to. Didn't hurt my feelings or self respect. She was just not into me. Said I was a great guy, and went through things she liked about me, but just no spark for her. She married a short little truck driver and they are a great couple. I was basically best man and maid of honor when they had their wedding down in Jamaica mon. The actual designee's were way past wasted by the time the wedding rolled around.

    The others were all, I just want to be friends, and left it at that. Didn't stop me from wanting.
     
    #7 kindy14, Nov 13, 2014
  8. Paradoxiolitic

    Paradoxiolitic
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2014
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    São Paulo, Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks for answering, you do seem to have experience :slight_smile:

    The thing is, I don't know if it really is unrequitted. Well, I guess that at this moment it is... I'm not sure about what may have happened with her feelings for me.

    But right now I'm feeling so angry at myself. So angry for not having had mutual feelings for her back when she told me she was into me. Why the fuck did my mind have to wait a month or so for it to develop those same feelings?? She's clearly a wonderful person.
    But right now, she has a boyfriend. And I supported her during her crisis. She was willing to break things off with him to be with me. He had said to her he would wait her when they were nearly breaking up because he felt something was different. And I fucking blew my chance.

    After I rejected her, her boyfriend wanted to end things, but I supported her, maybe because I was feeling like shit for having nearly torn a 3 year term relationship. Right now, I'm still feeding the idea of somehow expressing my feelings for her, or maybe saying that lately some things are making me question my homosexuality amd hope that those feelings reemerge??? and it makes me feel like shit for her boyfriend and for what she might go through. He isn't a bad guy at all to her.

    But I don't know what the fuck to do, telling her might lead to an outcome that I'm terrified of, she distancing herself from me....

    But again, WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I LIKE HER BACK? I want to disappear from this world for some time and hope things would get back in track... if somehow that were possible...

    Thanks again for your time
     
    #8 Paradoxiolitic, Nov 13, 2014
  9. QueHaPasado

    QueHaPasado
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2014
    Messages:
    58
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    eastern U.S.
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    One question you should ask yourself is, if you take a risk and tell her how you feel, are you prepared for her to stay with her boyfriend anyway? Of course there is always the possibility of a negative outcome of sharing your feelings, but the important part is whether you would be able to handle it. If it would too difficult for her to remain with her boyfriend despite her knowing everything, you should keep this to yourself for now. :frowning2: It seems that you are very concerned for her feelings, which is something she should know either way.

    I hope this wouldn't happen and I don't think it would!!! But you should still consider it. (I'm sorry, I give crappy advice)
     
    #9 QueHaPasado, Nov 13, 2014
  10. kindy14

    kindy14 Guest

    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2014
    Messages:
    788
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Indianapolis, IN
    Gender:
    Male
    You cant beat yourself up for the coulda, woulda, shoulda...

    Hindsight is great, but keep things in perspective, you were in a certain place then, you operated on the best knowledge you had at the time. You cant go back and change that.

    Part of growing up is accepting the mistakes you make. Nobody is perfect, and everybody makes mistakes. You have to forgive yourself for making the wrong choices sometimes.
     
    #10 kindy14, Nov 13, 2014
  11. Jax12

    Jax12
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2014
    Messages:
    1,875
    Likes Received:
    71
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If, I were you, I wouldn't say anything because she's already with someone else. As of this moment, she will be your good friend because you helped her sort out her problems.

    If, I were you, that is. I am not you so don't take my advice like it's the only advice available. You are a person who is telling me about your problems through a forum, not my face, so there's a lot that missing.

    Sometimes it's better to keep your feelings inside and wait and see if those feelings are still there after a while.
     
    #11 Jax12, Nov 13, 2014
  12. Paradoxiolitic

    Paradoxiolitic
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2014
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    São Paulo, Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks for all the answers, everyone (*hug*)

    I'm deathly afraid that if I tell her, she might choose to distance herself from me. I think I'd eventually cope with rejection if that were the outcome... But our bond dying away, this would tear me apart.

    I guess you're right on the forgiving myself attitude... Yet I keep thinking how I might've lost the best thing to have ever happened to me in my life. I just don't know how to effectively proceed to get to this forgiving stage... how do I do it??? And right now, I'm not sure I want to get there... I want to keep hold of this thread of a possibility that somehow it could work out for us...

    But ultimately I just want her to be happy. I think it could be a huge weight on her shoulder if I shared my feelings, so for now I think I should keep them to myself.... I just hope I'll somehow come to terms with this whole situation eventually... Some days, it feels as if this whole mess just brings me down in a second.

    Oh, QueHaPasado, not at all, feel free to give any advice, it's not crappy!

    Thanks again, guys
     
    #12 Paradoxiolitic, Nov 14, 2014
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)