I like being a woman... But want to be a man too?

TDLR: sometimes I love being a woman, sometimes I want to be a man, sometimes I wish gender and sex didn't exist at all. What even is this???

LONG POST (I have a tendency to write long posts when I'm confused about something. Sry lol):

Most of the time I like being a woman and identify as female without any issue (though I have been told by many people that I have a number of masculine personality traits). Only, when I actually sat down and thought about it carefully the other day (after catching myself j an odd thought of envy over "another man's body"--that was the thought. I wated my arms to look like his), I realized that that wasn't quite true. When I picture myself with a woman, it's as a man, and when I picture myself with a man, it's as a woman... But not classically? Like, female body male attitude and role (not submissive at all)? I also like hanging with male and female friends equally, and get really annoyed when social groups try and split off into gendered groups (unless there is another clear reason for the split unrelated to gender). Oh, and I approach anything resembling dating or idk.. Bar style situations like a dude (approaching people, buying flowers, making sure female friends get home safe), and have been called out by people for approaching situations (like walking home alone at night) like I am a dude, not a girl.

But... I LOVE stereotypically girly things like frills and aprons and doing my nails and art and all that too. And I love my body and its curves, and often am totally content just wanderinf around my apartmet naked when I'm alone. And I don't feel uncomfortable with being a girl... Except (I had always assumed) with the limitations of what being a girl means in society.

Yet, when I think of the superhero movies I am fond of and love imagining myself as part of (don't laugh lol), it is always as one of the male heros. Not like I'm in a man's body, not exactly, but... Everything else is the same. Like, exact same role and physical ability and personality etc. I almost *never* identify with the female characters (with two notable exceptions: both are characters in books who, like me, are tall, powerfully built, in positions of command and leadership, and who are way more interested in that then in any relationships). I had always figured that it was an issue of identifying as a complex commanding leader character--a role not often given to women. Again, I had always just assumed that this was a feminist frustration at the limitation of characterizations available to women... But, do women who also have these frustrations actually picture themselves not just in male roles, but *as men* too?

I do like being a woman, and would easily say with 100% surety I'm not interested in changing that... But I also regularly picture myself as a dude, and a couple times a week lfeel jealous/picture myself with a dude's body. But I also do the same thing with more in shape/beautiful female bodies? And some times I picture myself as having no gender at all??

I get really annoyed when people treat me like a girl (especially guys trying to hit on me--I hate being at the receiving end of any behavior that feels like it's gender specific. HATE IT) and am unquestionably assertive, blunt, and aggressive... While also being supportive, sensitive, and kind. I've had a few friends comment that it really throws them because I'm more "like a guy" then most guys.

Again... I do not feel uncomfortable in my body... But I do wish that either my body being male or female didnt matter, or that I could... Idk... Switch between bodies sometimes? I mean, for a visual perspective, when I picture attending formal events like dances and stuff it is always as a stunning woman (lol) in a ballgown, but when I picture myself going to a meeting it is as though I'm a dashing man in a suit (think Neal Caffery from White Collar)... NOT as a woman in a suit (except maybe high heels. Love high heels).

And day to day... Some days I wander around in a t-shirt and jeans and sneakers and mostly just think how annoying it is that my boobs are making the shirt half strangle me (because t-shirts are not cut for chicks with knockers) and how I wish I had broad shoulders like my male friends, but other days I'm all super feminine and girly with floaty skirts and bows in my hair and am really jealous of the slender waists and long hair of some of my female friends. :/

Oh, and it pisses me off when people are taller than me--part of why I love heels: I'm 6'2" in them and love looking male friends in the eyes

What the fuck is up with me????

---------- Post added 5th Nov 2014 at 08:14 PM ----------

And sometimes I realize I use horribly sexist and stereotypical descriptions for things *headdesk*