When the Lights Came On!

I have known I was different from a very young age. I realized I was gay when I was in middle school, probably around age 12 or 13, but pushed it so far down in my subconscious that it just didn't register on the radar. I went to middle school in the late 80s and homophobia was more rampant than today. Gay jokes were ever present among the pre-pubescent crowd. I heard my parents use the word "faggot" in a derogatory manner on several occasions. I learned what society had conditioned me to learn.......that being gay is wrong and gross and you will be ostracized and isolated if you tell someone you are gay. So I continued to push it further into my subconscious not acknowledging to myself until I got to high school. I was never comfortable with it. I hated it but I couldn't help being attracted to guys...and I did try to stop but nothing worked. I had a best friend in high school who was also gay and we were each other's support. However, we never came out to each other until well after high school. I think we both knew about each other but it was an unspoken truth. That friendship saved my life because I had no one else I could relate to. I was not macho and ultra masculine. I wasn't overly feminine either but I didn't like sports that much. I wasn't a jock. I wasn't a preppy from one of the upper middle class families. I didn't have a clique that high school tries to put you in (ie: Mean Girls). I was a loner and more so....very lonely. I was smart and got good grades....probably the one thing I was good at.

I am the product of an abusive childhood. I was raised by a verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive father who was a severe alcoholic. My mother was a weak, timid, co-dependent. I got sick living in that home. When I say I got sick, I am referring to the family disease of alcoholism. My father's verbal and emotional abuse of me and his tyranny led me to feel very bad about myself. I began to hate myself and to believe that I was a fat, piece of shit like my father would call me. I was afraid of him. He scared the shit out of me. In my childhood I got hit with belts, cursed at, yelled at, ridiculed and was made to stay silent at all times. If I laughed, he got angry. If I played too loud, he got angry. I hated my father. I hated what he did to me. I always felt he turned me into some social retard. I think I took this into high school. I was the most shy, quietest kid in school. I had no social skills. I did not know what to say to people. I didn't know how to start a conversation. I was awkward (still am really). I still hadn't come out after high school to anyone though I think some guys in school knew because my friend was more feminine than me and we always hung out together. Also, I had guys ask me to sit on their lap and I had guys touch me inappropriately. I was bullied. I felt like shit. I felt like being gay is making me more abnormal.....more different than anyone else. All I wanted to do was belong. All I wanted to do was feel normal. My being gay coupled with my shyness, which I eventually learned was social anxiety disorder, trapped me withing my own mind. Rather than let anyone get too close and get to know me, I shut the world out. In my mind I thought, I may be alone but at least I won't be hurt.

College meant much the same way though no bullying to speak of because of the much more progressive atmosphere in a liberal area. I still was not comfortable in my own skin and not out. I remember there was a men's support group gay men that I walked past numerous times but was too much of a coward to go in. How I regret not diving in then. I was breaking. I was starting to be overwhelmed by the loneliness but fear held me back and I was its prisoner. I graduated from college pretty much still in the closet.

Fast forward to present day. I moved back home after college and I remember how devastated I was when did that because I had gotten away from my father when I went to college. I did not have a job or money to get my own place and I was scared. I was alone....no friends...well maybe 1 or 2......but I sort of resigned myself that this was going to be my life and I had better get used to it. I had no hope of having a better life. I had given up. So I got a dead end job worked 6 years in that after college then got a better job and drowned myself in work. I decided that I don't have a social life and I'm not in college anymore, but I can be good at something.....MY JOB! I worked extremely hard sometimes 60 hours a week in a demanding career in human services. I figured I would work constantly, come home and eat dinner, maybe some TV, then to bed and the day would repeat. This went on for years with little variation and I began to despair as I could not stop feeling lonely. I felt so lonely, so empty that I contemplated suicide often. I used to beg God to kill me because i was too much of a coward to do it myself. I hated living. I got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and I actually hoped I would die from it. It was very bad and I was in a dark place. I don't want to visit that place again. Anyway, I later became so despondent and so lonely and so angry for what I feel my father had done to me that I decided the only way I can start to heal is if I move away from my dysfunctional parents and that's exactly what I did. I got my own apartment and hoped that would be a new start for me. I started going to Alanon which was a God send for me because I found the bravery to share my story with others. To this day, I don't know how I found the strength to talk about my problems with others. I got to the point where I felt the fear of doing nothing exceeded the fear of change. I was afraid if I didn't do anything to try to improve my life, I would continue to suffer and I felt being laughed at or embarrassed or whatever was fine as long as I wasn't alone anymore. I think I had hit a bottom where I said to myself I can't take this anymore. That's when the lights came on! Suddenly, things started to get better. I got better. Providence brought an old friend back into my life and the friendship has been life affirming. He knows I'm gay and accepts me for me and that is a rare gift. I'll post more about him later. Anyway, I have been socializing more, going to bars, trying to meet people. I live in a rural area so it's hard. I have gone to counseling and will be going back soon as I think I really need it. It's baby steps but I continue work my way out of my despair and into a life worth living.