Giving up your bisexuality?

No problem.

Don't feel bad about not being settled yet. I'm only a few years older than you and am still evolving, still learning more about myself and my preferences with every passing day. The back and forth can be tiring (I've been there) but try to remember you're not alone.

I also have some poly tendencies, despite being in a monogamous marriage for the past seven years. Looking back I was that way as a teen, too, but I'm from a small town and had no one to compare my feelings to (the same goes for my same-sex attraction).

 

I get what you mean. I will say, though, that when my partner and I were forming this bond we have, I did *not* feel like anything was missing. I completely felt like she was all I would ever need. Yeah, I was attracted to guys; but I also valued monogamy, and was comfortable with being a monogamous bisexual with a female partner. It's only in later years that this has become challengingly uncomfortable. So if you're feeling *now* that something is missing, I would examine that feeling closely and not ignore it. Life is simply too long to make a lifelong commitment to a person who is not an ideal match (and I'm tempted to go back and end the sentence right before "who").

And in terms of being reassured by the duration of our relationship, be sure you're also plenty aware that I have *come* to feel I am missing something that is increasingly important (or at least is asserting itself as more and more of an imperative), and that I never saw that coming. She's awesome, and we're awesome together, and I won't do anything that will mess up our relationship. But something needs to *change* (not end) to accommodate a situation that we both acknowledge (as we're both bisexual) is becoming increasingly difficult.

 

I think biAnnika brings up a very good point. If you feel like something is missing at this stage in your relationship, how are you going to feel five, ten years in the future? If you don't address your feelings now, there's a chance that you may end up resenting the one you love... and that's never a desirable outcome.

 

I'm very late... It's 2015 but I just wanted to say I never feltlike I had to drop my identify as bisexual when I pick a preference but it does get a little confusing sometimes and I do see why you would think that as well.

I, personally, have a preference for men but I fell in love with a woman recently. I guess, for me, it's not really about the gender but what trait I'm in need for more. When I want attention-- I tend to drift to guys but when I want a sensitive feel-- then I drift to women. The female brain is very different than the males I think. It just depends on what attracts me.

Perhaps you felt uncomfortable then because your "boyfriend" lacked the traits you required to feel attraction? You might be a person that likes a softer touch but that's just an example you could prefer women over men for many reasons but still be bisexual

 

you literally said exactly what i was going to say. thanks.

 

You don't give up your bisexuality by being married, or even dating one sex exclusively.

In the case of being married, you are expected to be monogamous anyway, so whether it's with a guy or a gal, you're "stuck" with them.

Right now I'm liking guys, but it's just easier to find them at the moment. There are several women I'd like to get to know better.

 

This is exactly how I feel right now. I've been with a man for 2 and half years and recently came out as bisexual and feel like I am just missing something. However, I worry that it goes deeper then sexual and maybe has to do with the overall dynamic of the relationship. I think when you find the right person the will fulfill you. But I sometimes doubt that too.

 

I don't just doubt finding one person that could fulfill all my needs, I plan on living polyamorously though not promiscuously. I feel like I have love enough for more than one person. I know I can make a commitment with the right person for the right reasons, and with the understanding of what the boundaries of accepted behaviour in the relationship is.

That's not for everyone. May not be for me in the end, I've yet to be in that kind of relationship. My marriage was intimacy and commitment without any passion on my part. And in the end, it was because it was only my commitment to the vows that was keeping me in the marriage. I didn't cheat until I had decided on divorcing back the end of August. I didn't start back up until after I moved out.

 

What do you do when this happens? I have similar seemingly uncontrollable urges but am married. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not cut out for monogamy.

---------- Post added 24th May 2015 at 01:16 PM ----------

 

Black Raven is no longer a member here, but he is a good friend of mine, and I know how he looks at such things. He is a strong believer in intense honesty and open communication. I think his response would be (as would/has been mine) to talk to his partner and let them know that this other preference (or strong interest) has arisen, to reassure them of his continued love and devotion, but to ask if something can be done to accommodate the new/shifted preference (e.g., an encounter, perhaps shared, perhaps not, with someone)...basically, can something be worked out. And if the answer is an unqualified "no, you can only have sex with me, ever", I suspect he would gently terminate the relationship.

Fellow sufferer here. Been with my partner for nearly 29 years...started happily monogamous, and thought that would be sustainable...didn't really have desires outside of that at the time. But as 3-5 years became 10-20, my desire for men increased (we're both bisexual, and tg we're experiencing more or less the same thing, if on slightly shifted timelines). And then as 20 years became 29 years, we're genuinely starting to look at possibilities for polyamorous arrangements we think we can live with. At this point I *totally* get your statement "I really don't know if I am cut out for monogamy". And it's not just the lack of men in our sexual repertoire, I don't think...although that is a major driver.

I'm not entirely sure I understand your question about whether one can be polyamorous involuntarily. I think maybe you mean what I would call "polyamorous by nature" as opposed to "monogamous by nature". Look around at the statistics of how many people (male and female) in supposedly monogamous relationships cheat on their partners, and the divorce rates, and you'll find it difficult to believe that the majority of humans are "monogamous by nature"...perhaps serially so...but I'm not even convinced of that. What I experience is that I simply love certain people...I don't ask for it, I don't try it...it just happens. And when it happens, it tends to be a matter of time before I want to express that love in a sexual way. So far, I don't. But that is becoming more and more challenging.

I think you do want to ask yourself about your attraction to your husband. If you're not sexually attracted to the person with whom you are (by society, at least) expected to be monogamous, then you definitely need *some* kind of solution...you should be able to have a satisfying sex life with *somebody*, dammit...any less is just unfair to you.

Also, don't beat yourself up about "reinforcing bisexual stereotypes". Some of us are this way. Some straight and gay people are also this way. If you're not actually cheating on your husband, then you're not the classic bisexual stereotype...if you communicate with him about your needs and work out an arrangement you can both live with, then you have nothing to apologize for, either to him or to the bisexual community.

Happy to continue this conversation, either here, on my Wall or by pm (if/when that is possible for you).

 

I would never drop my identity just because I was with a member one of one sex at a certain time.

 

Honestly, I don't even know what I am right now, since I'm in a sort of "limbo" numb phase void of sexual attraction, but I can see giving up bisexuality. Personally I think I'd probably question myself a lot preference-wise if I ended up with one gender or the other, but I'd only actually change if I felt it didn't actually define my inclination. Ie. I used to call myself bi but now I just sorta don't orient cause idfk what I am and bi is more of an umbrella term for me. Preference wise, its weird but I prefer crap like "masculinity". Because I find certain traits attractive ie looks, personality but it's never gender definitive. I just like people initially when they present certain things :> In hindsight, it sounds kinda dickish :eek:

 

I think monogamy might be hard for everyone, but especially those who have attraction to very different people. Like biAnnika, I was completely head over heels happy in my marriage. I still am. I also feel like something might be missing for me in only being able to have sex with one person forever. Forever and ever can sound quite romantic, but it can also feel like a prison sentence.

 

I can't seem to pm you but thank you for your reply. It's taken a load off my shoulders just knowing I'm not alone.

 

Hey there. You can pm when/if you become a Full Member. Until that option is available, we use the Wall for (public) communication. I'll leave you a message there as well. Best wishes!

 

this thread has really mad me feel better! I'm very similar to you...about 4/5 on kinsey, and whenever i'm in a long term relationship with a guy i feel as though i'm missing out on who i am. i have yet to BE in a long term relationship with a girl, I never really though about feeling like i'm missing out in that case though. I guess I just assumed I would be much more settled and secure and happy in such a relationship...only time will tell I assume.

 

I've only be in a relationship with a girl before and we dated for 2 years in those 2 years I never felt like I was missing guys because she would sometimes bring guys over and make us kiss and touch, she was turned on by watching so I felt like I had best of both worlds. Do you think maybe that's the only way you'll feel content?

 

Ah this is so similar to how I'm feeling! I actually just made a post about my frustration with identifying as bisexual but being in a heterosexual relationship yesterday haha. I know exactly where you're coming from - I definitely prefer women physically, but there is a rare guy that comes along and our personalities just click and it works. which is where i am right now (in a relationship with a guy)

But i get super frustrated knowing that everyone i meet now assumes i'm straight...it almost feels like being with a guy puts me back in the closet because i feel like noone knows this whole part of me. I feel like the only way I'll really be very secure with my sexuality OF being bisexual, is to be in a homosexual relationship.

 

^ That's kind of how I feel. I worry that if I date a guy then I'll be cut off from the LGBT community, because I won't "fit in" as much as if I dated a girl.

 

I went through a short phase where I believed that I was bisexual but then after a little while I realized that I can't get sexual with a man in any way. I don't think you would be giving that up by having a preference. If you are attracted to both men and women it doesn't matter if you feel more attached to one than the other. I like wearing converse and boots but I prefer my convers but I don't want to give them up completely. I know sexuality is different than shoes but i hope it helps.