Impermanence

Your post sounds like an apt description of Milan Kundera's book: The Unbearable Lightness of Being...

I would posit that all of civilization, law, religion, nation-states and other institutions, such as marriage, are all, in their own way, attempts at negating impermanence, at defying the nevertheless inevitable march of time and change.

What you are describing is life, in all its impermanent gains and losses, in all its exhausting efforts without apparent gain, in all its arbitrariness and unfairness.

Maybe there is another side to the coin of impermanence...the idea that life is made for letting go of things, that every important gain, including love, is a gift that can't be possessed. The philosophy of impermanence, to me, is only tolerable if I also let go of the attachment to things, if everything has its season and its place in the tapestry that is my life, a work of art as it were, where each colour, line and shade composes the final work.

To me, a life of impermanence is the only way to tolerate the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" indeed, this too shall pass...

 

I once paced out in the sand of a beautiful, lonely beach in Oregon the word "PERMANENCE" in 8 foot high letters, right where I knew the tide would come in and wash it away.

I had a few things happen in the interim that made me run away from that notion. But striving for permanent things doesn't mean that you'll find them. I thought what my ex and I shared would be that, and perhaps we can always have something, but even that has had no permanence.

 

When I was in my twenties and even some of my thirties, most of my life seemed
filled with reliable constructs; I had long-term friends, work that I had always done, health, ideas that had supported me, etc.

But in what seems like a flash, nearly everything I depended on for stability--and my sense of who I am and what my life means--changed. It has been and continues to be a very disruptive and unsettling time. Having to adjust to the loss of friends, being unable to secure work, facing the impending death (and deterioration of health, slowly) of two family members, facing unknowns in my own wavering health has been brutal.

And it all comes back to losing that sense of permanence I thought I had.

For as long as I remembered, I wanted things to stay the same. Arrested development and fear of change in my case, at least, but I was obsessed with keeping things on the same course.

As mentioned, that isn't possible, and in my head at least I understand that. But getting shocked out of your comfort zone against your will is quite debilitating. I am in an ongoing effort to wrap my head around all that has changed and to feel some sense of solid ground while I recoup.

Not trying to shift focus, but I know sometimes it helps me to hear that I'm not the only one going through certain things...maybe this can help.
Peace,
R

 

hug to you FindingLouie, I wish I had more words to write that could help but I feel I'm just barely hanging on.

 

Hi
I also feel things very deeply, and can feel a pretty big range of things in one day. It can get a bit too much, actually. I think what I'm doing, is hoping that by really feeling them, I will 'get them out of my system' and then the disturbing emotions will just 'leave me alone' after then, but that never happens. So maybe...maybe we just have to notice that the wide variety of thoughts and feelings that swirl through us daily, are themselves so impermanent that they barely survive an hour, let alone a day. Some thoughts barely last a moment, even. Thoughts, feelings, emotions, all of them come and go just like every external phenomenon in the world - well what is the point of resisting, of wishing it were otherwise? Just flow with it...realize we are all in the same situation, of there being no stable, enduring 'shelter' that can really protect us other than the good actions we perform, which in my faith are 'wholesome karma' and in yours I'd say 'good works'. Sometimes I just look at myself and my swirling, disturbed mind with compassion, take in a single, relaxed breath, and realize that this moment, this moment in time of taking a single breath, is no less important than any other - unlock yourself from anxieties about past and future, and just be with this one breath. (I have to do this regularly, due to the mental afflictions I endure.) We can't stop thoughts and feelings from arising, but we can take a break regularly, breathe, and know that really, in the scheme of things everything is ok. The sun keeps rising, the seasons keep returning, all happens as it always has. Give yourself some little moments of peace in every day. Just give your poor suffering mind a break sometimes.
(*hug*)

 

It's now Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish calendar. I thought of this topic of impermanence because I believe it is directly related to the sermon that one of the Rabbis of the congregation gave tonight...so before I forget it...

The eve of Yom Kippur has a service called Kol Nidre, loosely translated as "all vows". It is a strange and yet most important part of the evening service. Essentially it is a declaration that all vows, promises, commitments, etc. are null and void from the last Yom Kippur to this one. This is not to say that vows and commitments are not important in Judaism (quite the contrary!), nor does it release Jews from legally binding contracts or marital vows, for example.

It is, rather, an opportunity to step back from the big, and often impossible promises we make to ourselves and to others that too often set us up for failure. This declaration reminds us that we often foolishly make promises to ourselves and others that we may actually keep, but more out of habit, or convenience, than out of the ideals that originally created them.

How many bad marriages, useless sacrifices and compulsive behaviours do we maintain because we made a foolish promise in the past? How often do we stick to rigid rules and regulations without thinking about their purpose, or acknowledging that things have changed and these rules have outlived their usefulness? How often do we do things, in families and businesses because that's the way it's always been done?

The Rabbi quoted Maimonides, one of the most significant Jewish scholars of the Middle Ages. She told us of his conception that all of us live on a balance, like the scales of justice, on one side are good deeds and on the other, evil deeds. The concept is that, at any moment, we have a choice that can either tip the scale toward good, or toward evil.

The Rabbi emphasized that what is important is that this is a moment to moment situation. In other words, each moment is an opportunity to choose good or evil. Moreover, no matter how good one was in the past, one act of evil can change everything and affect the whole world...equally, no matter how evil one was in the past, one good deed can tip the balance everywhere. In this moment...and in this one...and the next, we all have a choice, including the choice to be happy, despite everything...in this moment too...

 

What you call impermanence, I call change. Without it comes stagnation.

It sounds to me like the first change you need to embrace is spending time alone with yourself. It's a great opportunity for discovery. Find out how to become your own best company, how to entertain yourself, how to be accountable to yourself, how to be at peace with yourself. How to not rely on external stimulation. Take it in small doses, acclimate yourself. From what you describe, it is a BIG change from your norm. Give yourself time. It will come.

Then try taking a new perspective on your pain. Remember growing pains? That's really what you're feeling. And growth is good!

And realize that sometimes, the pain we feel as we come out after being closeted for so long seems exponentially greater, but that's only in comparison to the numbness of squelching our true feelings so completely for so long. As you grow into your true self, the pain will dim. Give yourself time. It will happen.