Came out to wife today! WOW

Congratulations on taking this most difficult step for both of you.

Thinking of you both.

(&&&) SGG

 

Dear Clovis,
It is a courageous first step, and a move in the direction of honesty and integrity. It is a long road, and I hope you will be patient with yourself, and with your wife. When I told my wife, I could not imagine how much would change, and in such a relatively short time.

Your wife's reaction does not surprise me, my wife had and still has the same reactions- which sometimes seem contradictory, but the truth is- this experience is one where we are both quite literally bouncing between two realities- the life we believed we have, and the life that we really have. There is a big gap.

I don't know your situation, but if it is like mine, there will be many many ups and downs, (and sideways and upside down moments.) this is normal- at least for this phase. I am beginning to see that there may be a new settled place for me in the future, but am not there yet.)

Be kind to your self. Be kind to your family. Get LOTS of exercise- as this can be extremely stressful. A good therapist is a blessing.

We are here for you!

 

That's great! I hope she lets go

 

You did the right thing saying you couldn't make them promises. The next few days will be tough. I'd strongly recommend councilling

Well done

 

Have you read "The Confession" by the former NJ gov? Worth a look...perhaps for both of you. Good luck in the adjustment. Be kind to each other!

 

Hello , I know what you are going threw . I have not come all the way out to her yet but I am working on it I think she knows tho . I am here if you ever want to talk I would be glad to talk maybe we can be support for each other

 

The quote above was made by a very understanding and articulate person. Human beings naturally go through steps when trying to cope with loss. This is ultimately a loss for your wife. She knows on some level that she has lost you. Your wife needs time to work through the denial, anger, etc. before she comes to final acceptance. I believe we all go through months and years coming to terms with our sexuality and then when we decide to come out, we expect our loved ones to accept the news immediately and graciously. Again I totally agree with the post above…be kind to yourself and your family, just try not to give false hope or mixed messages and eventually she will accept what she has too.
*The exercise suggestion is also a great one!!!

 

Congratulations on coming out. I am in the same boat, having just come out to my husband. He didn't cry, instead he outed me on Facebook. The post was up for 9 hours before I got him to take it down. I have voicemails, emails, text messages...from everyone from family and friends to total strangers. I've honestly just been ignoring them; I just admitted it to myself, how am I supposed to handle all these people knowing while I'm adjusting?

Anyway, I hope your wife will come to a point of acceptance- I'm sure there if some kind of grieving stage that our spouses will have to go through. Ultimately it gives you both a chance to be happy and fully fulfilled. At least that's what I keep telling myself...

 

I'm glad that you guys got through it and that she was so accepting of that . Are you guys going to remain friends now?

 

My dear Snever2late, there is no excuse for your husband's behavior. Grief, anger or whatever…what he did was cruel and heartless. Enough said.

 

Congrats on making this first step. It's pretty huge and pretty scary and no matter what, your life is about to change dramatically. There are going to be some massive ups and downs ahead of you, so just remember that you did this for a good reason: to be true to yourself.

Im just over four months out from talking to my wife about it, and the changes have been dramatic. I'm so glad than my ex to be has been so amazing through all of this. There's been a few scary moments. Fortunately, she's been able to see this as a way that her life makes more sense too. It's been liberating for both of us.

All my best to you

 

My dear Clovis it means everything!! I am so proud of you and my heart goes out to you as well. I know the situation was not as planned (letter etc.) but you know "best laid plans" and the like. My wife reacted much the same saying "please don't leave me".

Please enjoy the relief of being finally out and having the "talk" done with. Stand strong against the self doubt my friend and remember we are with you.

(*hug*)

 

She wants to know whether you are going to stay with her, or succumb to your homosexual desires and leave her. You need to figure out what you want to do, and tell her, then let her decide what she wants to do. The homosexuality is something neither of you can change, but your actions are under your control.

 

Stay strong. My wife had a similar reaction and it took us both a couple of weeks to calm down. After that, we were able to start discussing how to move forward. It WILL get better. Coming out to her may well have been the toughest part of your coming out journey.

 

She told you that she really always knew...but you have upset the apple-cart by letting it out in the open. Whole relationships built on not-seeing, not-talking and not-even-thinking-about-it are going to hit a wall, sooner or later.

She is grieving, let her that time. But there is no turning back, no unsaying what you said, no matter the denial. Of course she doesn't want to change anything, she was willing to live with this, so why can't you?

You know why you can't do this anymore, the foundation of your relationship is unsound. There are difficult days ahead; the best you can do is to give her space to mourn, and to relieve her suffering as best you can, but you must stand your ground, and as you said, be totally honest with her, painful, but necessary.

I wish you all the best!

 

Clovis, I agree with what greatwhale is saying. There is no going back on what you've said, no unsaying or unknowing it for either of you. It's almost a year since I told my wife I had feelings for men and over 8 months nearly since I move out. The months living together with our kids was really hard.

I struggled with accepting that the life I had was going to be enough now that I'd actually admitted to myself that the feelings I had were real and that they weren't just a bit of fantasy or imagination.

I had a choice to make and it wasn't just down to one of whether I loved her or not and whether the life I had was 'enough'. I'd admitted to her and to myself that I had strong feelings for men; sexual feelings that were getting stronger and stronger. The feeling of unhappiness I was starting to feel was not going to disappear and now I'd admitted it, it almost felt as if I'd be lying to myself for the rest of my life - rather than lying to her albeit in a hidden way.

The decision to live my life as a gay man has not been without stress - but trying to be a good father to my kids and stay strong and close to her to make sure they are all protected and safe, even if I'm not living with them, has been the overriding focus. Being true to yourself is so important. Because if you're not true to yourself, you'll never be true to anyone else. Good luck. Talk here and talk out how you feel and what you're thinking. Only you can make the choice, but you need to feel the right decision is one that's instinctive to you.

 

Hi Clovis

I hope things have calmed down a little from the initial shock. I found it helped to explain to my wife that she would go through the 5 stages of grief Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance because she, in reality, has lost the person she thought she knew.

It’s interesting that you say your wife always knew. My wife had no idea I was gay, and neither did I until my mid-40s, but she did say she wouldn’t have married me if I was like any other regular guy, perhaps she was attracted to my more sensitive side. Dr Joe Kort mentions in his books that deep down many wives have known that their husbands were gay but chose to ignore it and push it into the furthest corners of their mind; however the wives are actually complicit in keeping their husbands in the closet and are a willing partner in the deceit. When the husband eventually comes out to the wife he feel all the pain you’re going through right now, but you should take some comfort from knowing you are not totally to blame for this situation – your wife has also contributed to the situation and should also bear some of the blame, although right now she won’t see it that way.

Before you came out I sent you some of my blogs documenting what happened before I came out. I have also written one that detailed the first 10 days after coming out if you are interested, details below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=C-laWOpXxC8

Regarding your pipe dream of staying married and having a “relationship” with a man is concerned I would agree that’s most likely not going to work if the “relationship” is a full long term one unless you go down the polyamory route. My wife and I are still together after my coming out 18 months ago and we have agreed that I will have a “friend” aka “Fuck Buddy” for regular fun to take care of my needs, our marriage has been sexless for many years and so it’s not like she is sharing that part of me. My wife has also suggested that I go on holiday with a group of gay guys whilst she does her own thing. I have still to put this to the test and don’t know how either of us will react once I find a regular “friend”, I don’t know if it will be enough for me or if I will want a full relationship with a guy. To try and avoid the very real complication of falling in love with a guy I am only seeking guys who very specifically don’t want a long term relationship … Of course I know that I’m playing with fire and my well get my fingers burnt all the way up to my elbows.

I do know however that this kind of arrangement can work; I have just been made aware of a local guy in a similar situation to myself who has been married longer than I have. He and his wife have come up with an agreement that he can have his fun and live as a gay man in the evening several times a week as long as he is back for breakfast, it seems that he does not abuse the situation and is often back to sleep in his own bed with his wife. His wife apparently would rather read a book than be bothered with sex so both partners are happy. Of course I’ve only just heard this from one of his friends rather than him directly so the picture may not be quite as rosy, I’ll have to try and get to meet him directly to get the whole truth.

This situation is alluded to in a video that the sex columnist Dan Savage gave a presentation on Monogamy at the Festival of Dangerous Ideas 2013 and available on YouTube at the following address.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=C-laWOpXxC8

He makes a point 6 – 10 mins into the presentation about couples who have been in a multi-decade marriage shouldn’t necessarily breakup just because one partner needs something outside the primary relationship, have a listen it’s an interesting 1 hour talk. He also points out that sometimes when we make commitments to monogamy we don’t always know at the time that we can’t keep them, I take this to mean in my case that I didn’t know I was gay when I got married.

And finally I came across an interesting and thought provoking film that explored the relationship a young guy and his girlfriend that evolved once the guy discovered he had same sex feelings for another guy. It’s a Spanish film with English subtitles rated 15 called “The Sex of Angles” or “Angles of Sex” and is available on Netflix.

I hope I’ve given you some ideas to think about as you both move forwards in this new reality.

SGG