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How best to support my son

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by momster, Sep 25, 2014.

  1. momster

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    Hi, I am new to the group and have joined to help support my son during this journey, as he told me this week that he thinks he is gay. My first issue is that I would like to see him slow things down -- he is 14, has had very little relationship experience of any kind, and went from having a girlfriend to thinking he was bi to now saying he is gay all in the space of a few months.

    I think he is doing what most teenagers do, trying to find his way and his place in the world. I am not sure if he knows what his sexuality is at this point since it seems like he keeps changing his mind. I have told him I support him and love him regardless of it all, but I think he should just take things slow and not worry about it so much for right now, that he will know when the time comes and he wants to form new relationships, etc. But he seems very determined to "come out" in a big way. Am I wrong to want him to take things more slowly?
     
  2. shinji

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    You are wrong in TELLING him to take things slowly (kids are stupid, they do the opposite, like...always!). You are not wrong however to think this. Also him being in a rush to "come out" is something that you need to talk to him about, as it can have some serious repercussions this early in his childhood and it's a decision that should not be made in the spur of the moment.

    "Coming out" leaves a person... filled with adrenaline (due to the "weight" being dropped and feeling free), they stop thinking clearly and can sometimes do stupid emotional things that they will later regret.

    I'd advise to leave him alone, to discover what he likes and doesn't like. Don't force him to "choose". In fact, he doesn't have to choose, with time when he starts developing feelings for either a girl or a boy, or both... he will find "his true self".

    On a side note, i knew for sure i liked boys at around age 12, was still confused about whether i was bisexual or gay, only recently have i started to identify as being pansexual, which is still somewhat confusing me.

    ^ just personal opinion, it is advisable to wait for someone more experienced to answer this inquiry.
     
  3. E11mum

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    To you it may seem very quick but I'd lay odds that he's been thinking about it for a long time. If you tell him he might change his mind then it comes over as not believing him - and believing him and supporting him is the most important thing you can do. His truth is absolutely true right now and he is the best person to say what that is. Sure he could change his mind (as someone could at any age - believe me I know whereof I speak here as I came out as lesbian at 15 then decided I was bi at 19, it hasn't caused me any problems that I changed my mind) but if you don't support him and believe him it will hurt him.

    My 11 year old daughter came out as lesbian recently. I cautioned her to consider carefully before coming out at school but she thought I was making too much fuss and went ahead and did it anyway. It's been absolutely fine, she's had no problems other than a little bit of gossip. Sure she could change her mind but the important thing is her truth now, and that is that she is lesbian, that's how she feels and that really matters to her, as does being out about it. So I'm in her corner and I'm so proud of her for having the courage to come out - it's not an easy thing to do even if you have your mum in your corner - and she is determined to be true to herself no matter what people say.
     
  4. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome.

    First, it's great that you're here seeking information on how to do the right thing. What a blessing it is for your son that you care enough to seek out help! So many kids have to navigate this with parents who don't care enough to ensure they're helping rather than hurting.

    Second... I don't think your son is really changing his mind, more likely he's evolving into accepting himself. There are stages everyone (including, for that matter, you) go through in processing any loss, in this case, the loss of your son's perception (and yours) that he's straight. Those stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.

    It's very, very common for teens, as they begin to accept that they aren't straight, to first label as "bi" as part of the bargaining process, because it, in effect, allows them to say "OK, I know I like guys, but I can still end up with a girl"... which is exactly what bargaining looks like. As they are better able to accept themselves, they discard the "bi" label and own that they are gay. So rather than changing his mind, most likely, this is a part of his acceptance process. (Of course, there are plenty of people who are genuinely bi, but many more who use the label as a "bridge" during the self-acceptance process.)

    So for you, there's also a bargaining process, in this case, "Well, I know he thinks he's gay, but maybe he's just confused and will still end up straight." That, too, is very common among parents.

    As E11mum said, it may seem quick on the surface, but you can be pretty certain he's been processing this for a long time, and 14 isn't at all too early to understand and accept yourself; we have seen quite a few kids here who are certain at age 8, 9, 10.

    So the best you can do is to love and accept him exactly as he is, and let him come out if he's ready to do so. Will it be perfect? Definitely not. There will likely be some bullying and non-acceptance. But having your unqualified and unconditional support and love is a big part of his ability to love and accept himself. I think you're already there... just need some reassurance.

    And... give yourself permission to feel upset, to grieve the loss, because that is part of the stages of loss as well, and important to your own well being.

    I hope you'll stick around. EC is a wonderful community and we need more parents to be here to help other parents and kids along their process. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Carlgustav

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    Please don't fall into the "It's just a phase" cliche. It will alienate him if you try to tell him so.
    Please look through this site for posts from other parents and from young kids struggling with identity issues. Contact PFLAG.(PFLAG National) Have your son explore this site if he hasn't already so that he understands the pitfalls of "coming out in a big way" and that he is sure he is really ready to do that. Which is very different from realizing it onesself and telling the family.
     
    #5 Carlgustav, Sep 25, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2014
  6. Fallingdown7

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    When I was his age, I knew I liked the same sex, but I came out to my mom and said 'I think I'm bisexual' as well; which later turned into me being fully gay.

    From experience, the reason kids do this isn't because they're unsure or changing their minds. It's to 'soften the blow' for the parents by making them believe they're at least 'half-straight'. Or It's because they themselves haven't accepted their sexuality. Which was the case for me. I said I was bi, even though I knew I never liked boys because I felt pressured to like boys and couldn't come out in a blunt way in case it was a parental disappointment.

    Just make sure you accept him and don't doubt him. He doesn't need to be with a guy to know he's gay either, otherwise all straight people would need experience with both sexes until they could say they were straight and liked the opposite sex.
     
  7. momster

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    Thanks for all the responses and guidance. First, I am not telling my son to do anything at this point and he is definitely someone with a mind of his own, so it would be pointless for me to try to tell him to do anything. I am simply trying to offer him some guidance and take the pressure off him that he must do anything at this point. There is enough pressure in the teenage years without adding something of this significance.

    I do understand what everyone is saying about the stages that both he and I are probably going through with all this. I guess my question should have been whether there have been people who went through this as teens, thinking they are gay or bi, but then realize later on that is not the case. Perhaps this is not the right forum for that question. Why I think that may be the case with my son is that he tends to be a "joiner" of things, is very enthusiastic about a group or thing when he meets someone he likes, dives in totally, but then eventually quits. This has been a theme with him, admittedly on much more insignificant fronts that his sexuality, but still it has happened enough times that I wonder if this is just a bigger version of liking being part of something. He became friendly with a few other teens who are bi/gay over the past few months, and I wonder if he is emotionally joining in when he really has not realized what it means to him personally.

    I guess time will tell and certainly I want to do all I can to support him, but I am reluctant to encourage him to make big and fast changes in his life before he is sure what he wants. I think he should just stay open to relationships with either boys or girls and eventually he will learn what he wants.

    And yes, of course this is a big process for me, starting with how could I have not known he was having all these feelings? If I could change one thing about my son, it would be to have him share his feelings more. I know he can't talk with his parents about everything, but he is very closed off on that front.
     
  8. Fallingdown7

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    Yes, some kids do go through gay/bi phases and turn out straight. But you have to realize that some straight teens go through 'straight phases' and turn out gay/bi as well. Some people like the opposite sex until their 20's and they realize it was just a phase they were going through. But would these people have been disbelieved and told that liking the opposite sex was something they would have grown out of, even though you know it was just a phase for them? It's important to believe what a teen says they are, as that is needed for healthy development.
     
  9. Chip

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  10. stocking

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    I came out as bisexual as well , but later to fine out I wasn't bisexual and actually lesbian . I think your lonely telling him to go slow because he's not straight but I think it's good advice . I think you need to take your son's word for it and let him be his own person .
     
  11. resu

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    I was the same age when I finally accepted being gay. When I first started puberty at around 11/12, I thought I was completely straight, had straight crushes, even watched straight "porn" (swimsuit models). Then, it was like a thunderbolt struck and I started thinking gay thoughts. I was so afraid because my parents were strict Catholics and from India, so anything related to sex/romance/dating was taboo. At first, I thought I was being punished for masturbating too much (the old "exotic turns erotic" excuse). Internally, I tried playing the bargaining game of thinking I might be bisexual, but by 14, I realized all my "attraction" to women (if there was such a thing) was gone.

    I really wished I could have come out earlier, but I just couldn't imagine telling my family. I had a friend in high school who was semi-closeted, and I really envied him having freedom to be with boyfriends. It's only now at 25, and almost close to suicide due to this and other stressors, that I've come out to my mom.

    Your son is putting a lot of trust in you. Please be behind him 100%, and ask questions here or maybe at a local PFLAG group. It's okay to be worried about him dating or other romance, but don't clip his wings. He needs to date, to feel love and loss. He will be a better man because of it. I just recently joined an online dating website, I can see the happiest, most well-adjusted guys are those who are close to their families and completely out. I am so envious of them.
     
  12. momster

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    OK, thanks. I am getting it through my head that I need to accept what he is saying and go with it, so I will work in that direction. I think one of the things I am having the hardest time with is finding out he's been dealing with all these big issues and I had no idea. It is very hurtful to me that he could not confide in me. Perhaps other parents can understand and I'm sure it happens with all kids, but it is hard to make the transition between the time of them being so close and loving and sharing every experience (which is how life has been pretty much up until now) to becoming a teenager who keeps it all inside or away from his parents. It feels a bit like waking up and finding the child you've known all your life suddenly replaced with a stranger. I know it is normal, but I had hoped to have my children always feel able to talk with us about what is going on in their lives. I've seen some of his messages on this forum where he mentions that he had thoughts of suicide at one point, and that is just devastating for me to hear. I so want to be there for him and for him to feel comfortable coming to me with these big feelings.
     
  13. Chiroptera

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    Hello! Like everyone said, hoooray, another great mom that seeks advice! :grin:

    My mom said the same thing to me when i came out. Don't blame yourself or be sad about this. It is already a really, really hard thing to come out to oneself, and it is even harder to come out to the family (at least, it was in my case) at the first moment. But, in the end, the greatest battle i fought was against myself, and i needed to be sure of it before i told my mom.

    Your son didn't change. You just discovered another trace about his personality, but he is the same son you always had.

    You really sound like my mom. It's great that you are seeking for advice, but don't be sad about he not telling you earlier. It isn't an easy thing to do, and, now that you know, you are there for him.

    You are a great mom! Gratz!
     
  14. YaraNunchuck

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    Your feelings are IMO those of the bargaining phase and are related very likely to grief, perhaps suppressed in your case, at discovering that your child is gay. You would never tell a straight identified 14 year old to be open to relationships with both boys and girls: why tell a gay identified one to do so? You need to address your difficulty in letting go of the straight expectations you have, quite naturally, built up for your son. When a teenager comes out to his parents, it is almost always something stressful that is only done after a lot of soul searching and introspection. No one comes out on a whim. Perhaps as a straight person it is hard for you to imagine this, but such a declaration is totally different from joining in with a crowd or interest. Particularly for boys and men, there is almost no social benefit, due to the way masculinity is constructed, in coming out as gay, and many negatives; you only do so when you are sure that your desires are inclined towards the same sex.

    If you intimate to your son that his declaration is premature, that he does not really know himself yet, that he might get into girls etc. it could do immense damage. Firstly it is dehumanising because it suggests that you know more about his sexuality than he does, which you do not; secondly, it imposes a higly heteronormative structure in which your son will feel he needs to 'prove' his gayness, that he can never just be gay; thirdly, it signifies a hostility to homosexuality which would no doubt make your son uncomfortable.

    The best thing to do? Give your son space and time. Show in general terms your commitment to LGBT rights and the validation and respect of and for gay lives and relationships.
     
  15. SextonOutlaw

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    A few things I would suggest....

    1. A therapist who is knowledgeable of the issues of sexuality (positive!)
    That would be both for him and for you.

    2. Read as much as you can to learn and understand.

    3. Get to the closest PFLAG meeting or talk to members online.

    4. Go over safe sex guidelines and do enforce rules; regardless of how willful he is, he is a child and needs guidance. Being gay doesn't mean common sense should be ignored.

    5. Find support groups of same-aged kids for him to attend. Gay-straight alliance, etc.,

    And yes, wanting him to take it slow is logical. In making hurried decisions without the developed judgment required, he could face a lifetime of consequences. HE may not understand that, but you do.