I'm 22 years old, and didn't start seriously questioning my sexuality until last year. Until college, it really never occurred to me that I could be anything besides straight, even though I'd never had a serious relationship with a man. Basically, I lost 4-5 years of my life because I was so severely anorexic that my hormones were irregular and my periods stopped, not to mention the fact that I was in no mental place to be dating. During the time I was sick, there were a few guys who expressed interest in me, several of whom I ended up sleeping with. Like all guys I've ever slept with, I've never enjoyed intercourse, and I still feel somewhat repulsed by penises. I've enjoyed making out, some light BDSM, but I've never had an orgasm during sex, or even come close to it. The thing is, I never had serious crushes on girls as a kid, but i had crushes on guys. However, since I never did anything, even kiss these people, there wasn't much of a sexual element to it. I had one high school boyfriend, who I didn't start "liking" until he expressed interest in me. I've definitely felt emotionally attached to guys, but have never enjoyed sex. I'm physically a lot more attracted to women. I started watching porn at a really early age, and I remember watching women masturbate in porn. Now, I can only really watch lesbian porn (unless it's hentai). I've been reading novels and watching TV shows/movies with lesbian protagonists since I was 12 or so. I gravitate towards anything if it has a lesbian element. I have family friends/ family members who are in lesbian relationships, and I've always felt so much envy. My romantic future is a blank to me. I have no idea who I'll end up with. Sexual history: I've slept with 9 or so men, kissed a girl, had a threesome with a guy and a girl (the guy was meh), and this past year, finally dated a girl. Although I don't think we were right for each other and I wasn't actually that physically attracted to her, it felt good. We actually dated more steadily than I have with any guy. I'm just not that physically attracted to men, even though I can appreciate men who are "handsome." I'm so sorry for such a long post, but I'm so confused. I grew up in a super liberal community, and have never had a reason to suppress my sexuality. For the past year I've just been avoiding labels, and I know I don't have to adopt one. Because I sometimes feel emotional attachment to men, I kept thinking I was bisexual. What do you think? Am I a lesbian?
I think maybe instead of focusing on finding a label focus on enjoying yourself. Experiment with Men and Women and just see what happens. If you find the right person it doesn't really matter what you label yourself as because it's just them you're interested in! Also I'm sorry about your difficult past, I hope you're in a better place now.
You might have a look at this: Am I Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgender? There is romantic attraction and sexual attraction... I'd say take your time... just relax... (*hug*)
Thanks for the advice. D456, thanks for your concern, I am in a much better place now for sure. I know there's no rush-- I tend to be very impatient about this stuff. But how many people call themselves lesbians but have some romantic attraction to men? I guess at this point I'm so frustrated with being in this confused in-between phase, I just want to KNOW. It's not like I have anything against being a lesbian. In fact, I would wholeheartedly embrace it if i didn't fear that I would somehow be a "fake" lesbian. I guess the other thing I didn't mention in my original post is that my most recent romantic partner (the girl) and I did in fact have a sexual relationship. Not sure if that adds to anything, but it felt right. not strange at all.
Hi Haruka. It's possible to be Bi while mostly being interested in one sex over the other. Just be honest with yourself and honest with your partners. I know the feeling of wanting an answer, wanting a name for your feelings. Keep talking, keep thinking.
I'm glad to hear you're in a better place. The people that go through the most end up the strongest people. I understand your concern over incorrectly labelling yourself, I have the same difficulty and I've come to the conclusion that I don't quite fit in any boxes, at least for the time being. I agree that it would be very satisfying to know an exact term for how you feel, however trying to force one upon yourself won't be the same. Just maybe think of yourself as attracted to individual people until you are more sure.
Thanks everyone for all your encouragement! Keep the suggestions coming! I'd be curious to hear from some more people who have come out to themselves-- did you go through a phase like this, where you didn't feel like you fit the exact description of the stereotypical lesbian or gay person?
My advice is probably the same as everyone..just go with whoever you are attracted to and let time tell. I think analyzing your feelings and experiences will help, but the greatest help will just feeling your emotions...let your thoughts go where they go...and date whoever you are drawn to. I think many people need an emotional connection before sexual. I remember in one of my psych courses they showed studies of sexual interest and sexual pleasure. They found out that many women need an emotional connection for them to really enjoy sex. But, in my opinion, it is best to make an emotional and intellectual connection with someone before sex. So that you are comfortable and have a sense of knowing the person. Just follow your heart and time will tell. Hope this was helpful a bit and have fun discovering self. ---------- Post added 25th Sep 2014 at 04:50 PM ---------- Just want to add. To answer your question...I started to question my sexuality at age 12/13....and i had a strong feeling i was a lesbian or even bisexual. Then i would bury it again and say stuff like, "I won't know until i sleep with a man." And that would bury those thoughts for a while...but they would always come back up. So i was dealing with this for a while until i had a sexual experience with a man..and then other men. My thoughts were then,"maybe i just didn't find the right guy...i have to make it work." I personally never felt i didn't fit a label..i always felt i fit the lesbian label, but i didn't want to accept it for years. As time goes on and you start expressing your interest, analyzing your past emotions, just noticing your thoughts and emotions. It will get clearer and you then might go through an accepting self phase. I never really got into the stereotypes, because i live in a pretty big city..so i have seen lesbians that were not of stereotype. The only thing that cause a roadblock in finding myself is what they tell gays and lesbians.... How do you know until you try the opposite sex? Maybe you didn't find the right guy? Maybe he just wasn't good in bed? I know those are stupid questions to play into, but i think i played into them was because I didn't want to face my sexuality and my parents are not liberal...my aunt is, but not my parents. So just take your time...really analyze your past. If you are in therapy, bring it up and talk through it. If you have a lgbt center near you they usually have free counselors, donations appreciated. ---------- Post added 25th Sep 2014 at 04:53 PM ---------- My advice is probably the same as everyone..just go with whoever you are attracted to and let time tell. I think analyzing your feelings and experiences will help, but the greatest help will just feeling your emotions...let your thoughts go where they go...and date whoever you are drawn to. I think many people need an emotional connection before sexual. I remember in one of my psych courses they showed studies of sexual interest and sexual pleasure. They found out that many women need an emotional connection for them to really enjoy sex. But, in my opinion, it is best to make an emotional and intellectual connection with someone before sex. So that you are comfortable and have a sense of knowing the person. To answer your question...I started to question my sexuality at age 12/13....and i had a strong feeling i was attracted to women. Then i would bury it again and say stuff like, "I won't know until i sleep with a man." And that would bury those thoughts for a while...but they would always come back up. So i was dealing with this for a while until i had a sexual experience with a man..and then other men. My thoughts were then,"maybe i just didn't find the right guy...i have to make it work." I personally never felt i didn't fit a label..i always felt i fit the lesbian label, but i didn't want to accept it for years. As time goes on and you start expressing your interest, analyzing your past emotions, just noticing your thoughts and emotions. It will get clearer and you then might go through an accepting self phase. I never really got into the stereotypes, because i live in a pretty big city..so i have seen lesbians that were not of stereotype. The only thing that cause a roadblock in finding myself is what they tell gays and lesbians.... How do you know until you try the opposite sex? Maybe you didn't find the right guy? Maybe he just wasn't good in bed? I know those are stupid questions to play into, but i think i played into them was because I didn't want to face my sexuality and my parents are not liberal...my aunt is, but not my parents. So just take your time...really analyze your past. If you are in therapy, bring it up and talk through it. If you have a lgbt center near you they usually have free counselors, donations appreciated. Just follow your heart and time will tell. Hope this was helpful a bit and have fun discovering self.
