Is my 12 yr old son gay?

I'm only a teenager, so my opinion may be overlooked, however I'm going to try and help you because only 5 years ago I was your son's age.

When I was his age, I too was exploring the internet, looking at pornographic images. And yes, I too was unaware of the possible dangers that lurked in the web. However, I must say that I do think it is unfair to restrict his usage of the internet the way that you are currently. To me, if he is looking at men performing sexual acts with other men, it is a sign that he is currently attracted to men. That does not exclude the possibility of bisexuality, but he could very likely be gay.

As a teenager, being gay can be extremely difficult. I've gone through a lot of emotional trauma due to the unaccepting nature I live in. It helped me tremendously to use the internet and find ways of accepting myself. I began to realize that being gay is normal and acceptable and that I can live happily. As a parent, your goal is likely to make sure your child lives safely, happily, and successful. Rather than restricting his internet usage (which could make him feel even more punished or unusual) I would sit down with him and discuss the risks of the internet (such as predators or underage pornography) and teach him how to avoid this. I think porn is appropriate for his age though. The human body should not be so taboo. He's going to masturbate either way, and some pornographic videos can be helpful in teaching protection (some, not so much).

I think you should give your son time to discover himself, and give slight hints that you are accepting parents and you are accepting of homosexuality. This could be tremendously helpful to his self esteem. I would not ask him if I were you, though. Just remind him how much you love him.

Also, I'm sorry you are taking things that people have been saying as offensive. A lot of the advice given here is actually helpful, this site helped me gain confidence and strength when I needed it so dearly and I'm sorry you see our information as misleading or overly opinionated.

Also if your son comes out to you, please don't question it. Just accept it and love him.

Good luck.

 

Jalsmom,

I am sorry that you took objection to what I posted, but I think it was measured critique. Any advice on this matter, or any matter, can and should include constructive criticism. I think it's important for anyone to be able to respond positively to that sort of criticism.

Just to clear up a misconception you have about what I said - that I advocate unrestricted access to the internet - in my first post I wrote

I.e. like BradTheCat has also said, it's fine to block porn access though filters, if you want, but for goodness sake allow the boy to access other sexual health resources, forums etc. without the embarrassing and stifling oversight of parents tracking his browser history. Even worse is to cut off his internet access completely, suggesting he's done something wrong when he really has not.

I would reiterate - it's just my opinion - what bornthiswaybbs said, that the number one thing you can do to help your child is to discreetly but pervasively show your support for gay rights, gay lives and so on, without making a big deal of it.

 

I agree with what BradtheCat mentioned. You're going to make it seem like whatever he's doing, such as discovering his sexuality, as a bad thing and that he'll hate himself and feel like being gay is a bad thing, even if you say that you and your husband support him 110%, no matter what he is. Remember, actions speak louder than words. I agree that there should be stuff like that blocked, no matter what the sexuality is. If he were looking at straight porn and the latter, you'd treat it the same way, right?

We're not saying that you're parent. Absolutely not. I'm glad to hear that you and your husband would fully support your son (my mom doesn't, unfortunately), so that makes me happy to hear in some regard. Have a talk with your son and try to show him that no matter what he is, he'll still be loved by both of you regardless (and that being interested in guys is not a bad thing at all). That's the most important thing and what everyone should take out of this.

 

I am a parent, and one who was very concerned with who my daughter might have been contacting on the internet when she was going through puberty and figuring out who she is. That was about ten years ago. She is straight as far as we know; we are in Florida, she is living in Manhattan and taking care of herself financially and has a boyfriend.

One thing I DO know from my own experience growing up in the homophobic southern world of the 1950s and 60s is that the inability to understand yourself when you are different from other kids and nobody will talk about it, and it can be seriously dangerous if you expose your differences, can have long term serious negative consequences. My parents never talked to me about sexuality; never ever. They took care of me, fed me, bought me what I needed, showed me in many ways that they loved me, but never mentioned sexuality in any way. I grew up thinking that everyone in the world was what we call "straight"; that I was supposed to like girls and want to date them; that there was something wrong with you if you didn't, and there was absolutely NOBODY around me I felt comfortable talking about my "different" self with, and no impersonal "internet" where I could find impartial information. I felt totally alone dealing with myself and my "differences" from other young men.

My response to this was simply to do nothing, to avoid any sexual interactions with males or females. I was in a state of suspended animation in this way until well into my '30s. I finally got married in my mid '40s; that was 26 years ago. I am still married and intend to remain so the rest of my life. I am also, to some extent, gay. I am sexually aroused by well-built good looking masculine men. I always was, I just did not understand what it meant, because my feelings did not jive with the world around me which I lived in. I was left to assume that everyone who felt like I did just had to suck it up, get married to a woman who was willing, and make kids to get a family so I would not die alone some day. That's what I did. Only in the last couple of years have I finally understood why I felt like I did and what it meant, largely with the help of THIS site and the experiences people here have shared with me.

IF you want to cut your son off from sites like this, that is your prerogative as his parents. He will find out what he wants to know, or do without the information at the critical time he needs it, and live with the consequences for the rest of his life. I know that much of the world is less severe on homosexuals than it was at the time of my own youth, that there are still predators out there using these modern tools to implement their own agendas, and misinformation and non-productive money-making porn sites also are available to confuse and misdirect your son's efforts to "figure himself out", but THIS site is not one of them, and most of the people here have useful personal experience information to share with both young people trying to understand their own emotions, AND their well-intended parents. Not all of it will be right on target; some of it should be politely ignored without scolding and discouraging the well intended youthful source. That's just the nature of asking for advice; you don't have to take all of it into your final conclusions.

One source you might want to check out in addition to others is an organization named PFLAG, which is intended to support the parents of LGBT children. IF it turns out that your son concludes that he is probably gay or bisexual, they have some good and time-proven advice for you about your role as LGBT parents. They aren't going to tell you you are wrong, or that you are right; they are just going to tell you what has been found to work best for parents of LGBT children. If your son eventually comes out as "straight", then no harm will have come from your having PFLAG information available "just in case".

MY only advice to you, worth at least what it costs you, is to look up the PFLAG sources, read and evaluate what they have to say, and use it to prepare yourself for that "just in case" possibility, which may never come. If you have some way to block for-profit porn and "hookup" sites selectively, then by all means do that, but don't block your son's access to useful and informative information and self-help sites like this one. You need to protect him from those who would do him harm, not keep him ignorant about what his natural curiosity about his sexuality is prompting him to learn, some of which he is otherwise going to learn from his peers, whether we parents like what they have to teach or not. That is all I am going to say, and I hope I have not said too much. Best wishes for you parents and your son, particularly if it turns out he discovers he is gay and needs that extra bit of love and understanding from his parents to help him deal with it and develop into a normal "gay" man.

 

Wow, I agree wholeheartedly with everything Yossarian says.

 

Very interesting thread and all but i get the distinct feeling that the "mom" (op), kind of "ran out the room" after being told.